Wednesday, April 2, 2008

A Man We'll Call Ted

I know a man. Let’s say his name is Ted. And he works for a big multi-national conglomerate like Microsoft, or IBM. Let’s say his salary is a nice simple number like $300,000.00 , plus bonuses, stock options, commissions, and a great retirement and benefits package. He owns his own home, and it was paid for twenty years ago. He drives a nice conservative, understated little silver sports car. According to Ted, he’s played the Market since he was in his teens, at an average annual rate of overall return on investment at 22%. But he hates to spend money that won’t have a tangible, predictable, advantageous (preferably monetary) rate of exchange. He is both so cheap and fussy, he takes his laundry to a Laundromat and irons his own shirts, which despite the fact that they are clean and well pressed are hopelessly outdated.

He wants what he fantasizes the love of a good, pretty woman with long hair, of child bearing age, will bring to his cold, emotionally impoverished and affection starved life. He’ll never get what he craves, because he places no value on those very things that will transform his life--the labor and love of a good, pretty woman with long hair, of child bearing age. And Ted, while we’re talking here, take a look in the mirror. You may be a nanosecond under fifty, but you’re bald and gray and wrinkled, honey. If I were you, I’d be using a good (and therefore expensive) exfollient daily and consulting with a good plastic surgeon for those dark bags under your eyes, and that incipient double chin. And as long as you’ve undergone the risk of general anesthesia, why not get the small pot-belly and that spare tire you call “love handles” liposuctioned. He needs an image consultant, and if I were Ted, I’d pay a top notch interior decorator to make the college-guy-apartment-style house of his into something inviting.

So Ted, please, pull your bloated wallet from your sagging back pocket and stop asking your good, pretty, women-friends with short-hair, who are over child-bearing age, and have too much to do already, to re-decorate your fucking house for free. Grow up fellows. Get a clue. If you aren’t as pretty as the women you want to date, offer something else of equal value. This is capitalism! This is America! Why the hell shouldn’t she prosper? Buy her a car! Set her up in an condo! Buy her big-carat diamonds set in platinum. This isn’t Rumania, and it isn’t 1950 for Christ sake.

11 comments:

MadMike said...

So if one is not in a position to offer jewelry, cars, and etc. will love, affection, compassion and kindness do? I know many people who want for material wealth but possess no end of treasure in their hearts and souls. I hope they too can find the mate of their dreams.

Utah Savage said...

Mmadmike, I sent you a love note last nigt and then got shy and girlish and deleted it. I'm mad about you, it's a good thing you live in Florida or I'd be stalking you.

This Ted, here, wanted everything a woman has to give, but she had to be young, very pretty, have long hair, and a good career.He asked me to go to dinner with him one evening so he could point out the type of woman he wanted. He pointed out a couple of very attractive women, dressed expensively, well coiffed and made-up. One women was waiting for her date/husband (whatever his was to her) when the man got there he was every bit as wonderful as the woman--handsome, well dressed--they were a well matched pair. I looked a Ted and said, "If you aren't willing to spend a very great deal to fix yourself up, stop looking at the merchandise in the designer showroom. First find a woman who you like, like to talk to, like to spend time with, etc, then proceed to the courting phase, etc. But Ted wanted the high priced, knock-out designer babe--in a capitalist market, if it's Kristen, with an education and good job, you best have something of equal value to bring to the table.

Utah Savage said...

I forgot to say, if love, affection and kindness are brought to the table you should also be willing to take your turn scrubbing the toilet. N'est pas?

K McKiernan said...

Ooooooo, I wanna read the note, I wanna read the note. You two are toooo cute. And, Utah, you flirt better than anyone I know. IIII want to kiss you :)

When ARE we all going to hang out sans the virtual?

You are so spot on. I mean, don't hate me, but part of me hates to advocate for men the very vices I hate that women succumb to, but then again (read the article "Turning Boys Into Girls") I also appreciate your candor and righteousness. How dare he (self entitled yet again) have everything in the world, expect everything from a woman, and give nothing back.

I hear Madmike... I know for me, a man who understands me, respects me, adores me... its all I want in the world, but if that is not what your friend, Ted, can bring to the table emotionally, he better be prepared to bring something she can use... something she "values."

Why DO men get everything for free?

Utah, you are most on your writing game when you do topics such as this. Razor sharp. Cuts to the (truth) bone.

Bravo.

J McKiernan said...

Ditto what K said about being "most on your writing game." You are never more spot-on than when discussing gender. It's actually kind of fascinating, given that almost everything I saw when I first discovered this blog was all about the presidential race. But now that I've been here for a little while, and have read many varied samples, I see that--like my beloved K--gender is your thang.

MadMike, you are a nice guy...maybe too nice. I am right with you...love, affection, compassion, and kindness should do. But here's the thing: for many women, love, affection, compassion, and kindness DO do. For many men like Ted--even those who save their money like good boys, and wear geeky clothes since they don't buy themselves anything new--those qualities are WAY low on the list. And therein lies the point of another incendiary piece by Utah Savage...

...there is no true equality. If there were, Ted would be a "designer man," from his perfectly coifed hair to his shaved chest to his shorn scrotum to his surgically enhanced penis.

Another great one, Utah. In fact, it reminds me of a genius parallel K always brings up...but I will save that for her, hoping it will prompt her to bring it up here...

MadMike said...

I have scrubbed many a toilet:-) Then again I have also bought a few cars, given a few diamonds and once a world cruise.

Utah, as you know I got your wonderful note and it made my day. I really enjoy your blog. You have courage and heart, not to mention you are a skilled writer who introduces thought provoking subjects and not the same old Bush Bashing. I am a veteran basher but I even get tired of my own stuff:-)

K I am going to have to give some serious thought to "why DO men get everything for free?" comment:-)

J I have been accused of being a hopeful (not hopeless) romantic, but all things are not always as they seem. Although I am difficult to provoke, once provoked I can be a force to reckon with, at least before my teeth wore out:-)

In conclusion I do love this site and have now added it to my links.

TomCat said...

Utah, in a way I kind of feel sorry for poor Ted. The poor fool has bought into the paradigm that a person's net worth is measured in what they possess instead of who they are, and with it, the notion that women are chattel. The idiot was drooling over fools' gold without realizing that the true treasure was right under his nose.

Utah Savage said...

Tomcat, you are a most perceptive and astute reader. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Madmike, Well..after last night, I am tongue-tied. Feel like a silly girl. What the fucks up with that!

MadMike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MadMike said...

LOL! Utah you make me happy...happy...happy. So what's up with that??

Whaddya think "K"?? :-)

I love blogging!

K McKiernan said...

What do I think, Mike? I think you are nuts if you do not hop in a car this very second and drive however many (even if its 1,000s) miles it takes to get to Utah Savage.

I am sure it would be more than worth the drive. She can probably deliver better than any woman but one...

Grin... You know I am kidding Utah... I think you are to dieeee for.