Tuesday, June 17, 2008

My Love Tells Me

My love tells me I snore
Make sounds like a Tuva singer and the sonar sound of mating dolphin
At odd intervals of no breathing, counted fourteen seconds
Total silence, no intake or exhalation of air, no breathing then
A lung shattering, vibrating, long, tuval gasp
Then the otherworldly dolphin squeal
This seems to emanate from the back of my nose so
It would be called nasal
He has tape recorded this sound
He isn’t exaggerating
My love tells me
It’s a deal killer.

19 comments:

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Cool.

Utah Savage said...

Scarlet, you are one very strange woman. I guess it could be called cool that I will spend the rest of my life sleeping alone. Lucky me. Mostly I like sleeping alone. But it did hurt my feelings to know that my snoring is so terribly STRANGE. Sometimes when I wake up, my huge dog is sitting on the floor on my side of the bed staring at me. Is it the toval part or the dolphin squeal that interests him so?

Ghost Dansing said...

imagine being among a pod of dolphins.......

Utah Savage said...

Now that was soothing, ghost. But combine it with the Tuva singer and the silence and then the gasp of air and let's start a band.

Utah Savage said...

Actually we took the recording to my internist who said I had sleep apnea, and recommended a sleep clinic where they would fit me with my own special Martian mask.

Ghost Dansing said...

hehehe

DCup said...

That's exactly what I was thinking: sleep apnea. My father has it. I think MathMan has it a bit, if that's possible. It might be a little like being a little pregnant.

Hope you can get it addresses so you can have company as you sleep.

Utah Savage said...

Dcup, I can see it now,snuggled up and me breathing into the Martian mask. Will I miss the little death that must happen in those long bits of non breathing? will the dolphins still sing to me? And will I dream of Tuva singers?

Anita said...

I saw a commercial on TV once for this product which is taped to your nose and it opens up the nostrils or something. I wish I could remember the name of it. It's goofy looking to be sure, but hey, as John Lennon said, "whatever gets you through the night" ...

My brain is on notice to try to remember what this thing was. I'll get back to you as soon as my brain gets back to me.

Utah Savage said...

Breathe Right, Anita. I've been using them since they came on the market. They might help with the diviated septum thingy, but not so much for the apnea, and My Love Told Me, "They don't help and they make you look like a tight end."

Liquid said...

You encourage the FUCK outta' me!

Liquid said...

......in the most positive way!

Je ne regrette rien said...

at least you have a love. so there. and have you taped him? I mean your snoring may drown out his equally offending emittances. never know.

D.K. Raed said...

Lovely poem, UT S, you have captured the sound perfectly!

I've been threatening to record the hub's nightime vocalizations for decades, but it's far more entertaining when I do an imitation of them. I swear, I almost give myself asthma trying to reproduce that death gasp sound.

I know the EXACT dolphin squeal you have enshrined in your poem. However I take some comfort when I hear it, startling as it is, because that means the preceeding silence was not the final silence of the grave.

I know sleep apnea is no joke. Has no doctor ever recommended lasering off your uvula? One doctor told the hub his problem was his neck was too fat! Ever try to lose neck fat? (not that YOU have any, but seriously, that is not an easy place to exercise). The uvula-ectomy has a VERY painful 2-week recovery period. You would be miserable & would NOT be able to smoke during that time -- gaaaah! But the end result is a softer snore, more like a soft buzz, and fewer apnea incidents.

Look for BREATHE RIGHT THROAT RELIEF SPRAY. Keep it by your bed & use it during the night. There are some other mfrs of similar sprays ... all have the same goal, to lubricate your throat & calm the wildly vibrating uvula for little while. And NEVER sleep on your back, EVER!

Femail doc said...

Sleep apnea is a person killer, a brain cell killer, as well as a deal killer.

DivaJood said...

Any love who makes snoring a deal killer is not worth the bread and butter.

Stella said...

Any love who makes snoring a deal killer is not worth the bread and butter.

I'm with divajood 100%. How many words in the thesaurus can you find for the word jerk.

DK and femail doc are absolutely right. If this guy can't stay around to support you, kick him down the stairs.

Utah Savage said...

The man in question is Charlie in the book "Maggy" and in the blog I refer to him as "first love, last love" He has moved on, but just before my birthday I got "my" perfume, hard to find and expensive--two bottles. Then on my birday a call from Costa Rica. Gone from my bed, but will never be forgotten.

I like my life alone. It was one of my life's ambitions to live alone. It is on my terms. The choices are mine alone, the schedule too. It's a selfish way to live, but manless in my bed is fine with me.

Dusty said...

Its a deal breaker? Ah fack him..what does he know?

I know very few folks that don't snore.

I love the way you describe the sounds. I actually love dolphin noises. seriously.