Saturday, May 17, 2008

Frankfurt, Kentucky

Hillary is on TV speaking right now in Frankfurt, Kentucky, and I swear she's got that cracker accent down pat. There is a black man in the audience behind her and he's all alone and looking sad. Empty seats on either side of him. And the women on the seats next to those two empty seats keep stealing glances to make sure they're safe. He looks mighty lonely up there. I wonder how much the campaign had to pay him to sit there.

And while were on the subject of crackers and Frankfurt, I just got back from the grocery store and it's your fault, Scarlet Blue, that I spent $113.00 on crap like hot dogs and chili cheese dip. I bought Dr. Pepper, another quart of mayonnaise, buns for the dogs, of course, corn chips for the chili cheese dip, and yes, crackers. Don't ever let anybody tell you going to the grocery store is not a political experience.

When I drove into the parking lot, I noticed that everyone I saw, coming and going, was fat assed and talking on the phone. Now it's not enough to have a flip phone or an Iphone, now everybody's got a head set so they can talk every fucking second, hands free to multi-task. Three times I thought someone was talking to me, but no they were talking on their phones, but I felt like Travis Bickle, "Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me?" I wanted to shoot someone before I even got through the door. Fat asses everywhere, probably size 4, fat asses. And a sea of bleached blond cotton candy hair. If you ever fly into Salt Lake, one thing you will notice is the uniformity of the fat assed blonds with three blond kids. I think it must be a requirement for entry into the Celestial Kingdom, that every Mormon woman has at least three tow headed kids roughly ten months apart. This helps explain the fat asses, I guess.

I got my gigantic cart and headed for the pharmacy to see if my psychiatrist had called in the higher dose of my antidepressant yet. And yes, yes she had. Now instead of taking one 50 mg. and two 25 mg. capsules. I now only have to take one 100 mg. pill. And as a bonus, my valium script was filled, even though I hadn't asked for it--guess my shrink was feeling guilty.

After picking up my drugs, I headed for the dairy aisle, picking up yogurt, sour cream, eggs, then the boat load of organic milk I combine with my espresso in the mornings. Grabbed some more espresso, and on to the meat aisle. I know it's stupid to drink organic milk and then grab a ham steak, but what the fuck--I told you grocery shopping is a political experience--we confront our choices with nothing short of anguish, and at the very least ambivalence. So now I headed for the produce department. This one always causes me some anguish, since I want melons and it isn't melon season. I want tomatoes that taste like tomatoes, and it isn't tomato season, so I know these items have been shipped half way round the world to get to me. I'll be lucky if they taste like anything more than exhaust fumes. But the tomatoes are on sale and so is the cantaloupe. Yes, I am calling myself a sucker, and worse, but my mouth is watering at the prospect of cantaloupe and cornbread for breakfast. Strawberries too. Sucker. At least the strawberries are in season.

Now I drift towards the back of the produce department where they keep spraying all the vegetables with a mist of water so that all the priced-by-the-pound produce will be soaked and heavier. Bastards! And I notice that the only other person checking out the vegetables is a woman roughly my age with her portable oxygen tank and her plastic tubes delivering a steady dose of pure, fresh oxygen directly to her lungs, I think, that'll be me in not too long. We are both lean as old smokers often are. She is holding an artichoke in her palm and studying it. I say, "I used to ask for artichokes for Christmas when I was a kid." She says, "I used to grow them in my backyard." And a conversation ensues that gives us so much information in so few minutes that it sums up our lives, our political leanings, our hippie youths, our hope for that feeling of commitment and passion to return to young people again. I didn't say who I was hoping to vote for until she said, "I sure don't want it to be Hillary." And I said, "I certainly don't want Bill back in the White House bored and looking for something to do." We laughed, she said, "Doesn't Obama remind you of Kennedy?" "Yes."

I got my Frankfurters and buns and went whistling and happy to wait in line for a checker. I will not check myself out, ever. It just gives those rat bastard capitalists the excuse to fire another minimum wage employee.

As I was unloading my gigantic cart of overprice crap into my trunk, still happy, and I nearly got run over by a redneck in a green pick-up truck with his windows rolled down and some hillbilly singer shouting a song about his mean, dark, killin' kind a love for his woman.

Hows that for insulting hillbillies, rednecks, crackers, and Mormon women, all in one post. Who have I not pissed off yet?

50 comments:

the WIZARD, fkap said...

Utah, You are one fantastically GREAT writer.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

This is excellent.

I don't like hot dogs.

You should ask for Xanax instead of valium, I think.

I think we must shop at the same store! I've seen those same people! Talking on the same phones!

Ha.

Ghost Dansing said...

wiener mobile

Utah Savage said...

Scarlet, Xanax makes me pissed off--it definitely does not relax me. same with Prozac. Not all drugs act the same on everybody. That's why so many people won't stay on their bipolar drugs--wrong drug, and with so many to try, there is bound to be the right drug for everybody. The other reason women won't take their antidepressant is the drug weight. I put on twenty to thirty pounds every time I have to switch drugs.

speaking of pissed off, miss size 4. Actually I rarely eat hot dogs, but they were grilling them outside the store. Isn't that called subliminal advertising? That should be against the law. And like I said, what gives with my passion for organic milk and ham steak?

Wizard, thanks man. I thought you'd hate it. maybe that's madmike who's going to hate it. Somebody's going to call me on my heinous stereotyping.

D.K. Raed said...

You left out polygs! Aren't they worth a good insult? Don't you get them up there? Our grocery stores are full of them down here. Or at least they used to be until the TX raid. Now they are hiding, only a few braver ones are visible. Not too many of them are blond, though, mostly mousy brown w/many mousy brown lethargic kids. And constantly on their cell phones, only for them it is constant contact with their "minders". I am now reminded of Catch-22 (Milo Minderbender).

Nice that you had a good talk w/the artichoke woman! I don't talk politics w/my neighbors. I already know what they think when I see them all heading out to the power plant (momochurch) each sunday.

You have a new avatar! Lovely dark curly hair!

Utah Savage said...

d.k. darling, we call them pligs up here, and yes, we do have them in the neighborhood. They used to have their own grocery store when you couldn't by anything smaller than 20lbs. of flour at a time and the mayonnaise came in gallons instead of quarts. Mostly stuff close to it's expiration date, but cheap. And no membership required. But a tony green grocer moved in next door and the plig store went under. I've written a couple of pieces on the pligs. Our friends in other parts of the country don't quite get it, the whole plig thing. I was jubilant that they FINALLY raided that compound in Texas. Took them long enough. So glad to know that the authorities are doing a little DNA detective work trying to figure out whose baby's whose and which daddy sired sixty kids by HOW MANY? teenaged brides?

MadMike said...
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MadMike said...

Here is what comes to mind as I read this post:

A cruel and bitter cynic lives behind these words. A cruel and bitter cynic who is filled with anger, sadness and frustration at finding herself alone and hopeless in the world. A cruel and bitter cynic for whom self-actualization is neither a reality or a possibility. How sad that is.

Sighhhh.....

Femail doc said...

I've been to SLC before, and you do NOT fit the demographic. I guess I'll have to read backwards to find out why on earth you're there. I'm intrigued.

Utah Savage said...

Dear femail doc, do you mean the pathetic, bitter, hopelessly alone and unselfactualized kind of demographic? The cruel and bitter demographic? We are everywhere. Muahahaha!

DivaJood said...

Oooh, chili cheese dip. Yummy.

But I absolutely don't understand Dr. Pepper. Yuck, yuck and double yuck.

I do like Red Velvet Cake, though.

enigma4ever said...

omg...that was great....so wonderful....a fatassed post and politcal..( your Obama watch to the grocery store...)....gee after reading this I could not go to the store there in search of tow headed children...lordy....

So here I sit a Harworking fatass woman and I am not offended....( okay I am not that fatassed....yet)

you really are a great writer...you made me laugh...but now I have a craving for Chili cheese dip ....hmm, oh well, back to the Wavy Gravy......

( oh here my organic Milk is the same price as gas...I can't figure out what that means- but the price has been rising at the same rate...does that mean I should put milk in my car??? I walk to the store to save money so I can buy organic milk for the 6-6 teenage son...)

thanks for the laugh and the trip to the market..

Utah Savage said...

Diva, what can I say about the Dr. Pepper except that I had a coupon that nearly made it free and a young friend that will drink any old carbonated sugary crap. What can I say, I'm a great hostess.

Utah Savage said...

Ghost, you send the best music clips. And yes, I think they are Oscar Meyer Wieners.

Utah Savage said...

And Diva, who doesn't like red velvet cake. If I allowed myself to buy red velvet cake to go with my weekly quart of chocolate ice cream, I too would be a fat ass for real. Now I'm just kind of a fat ass.

D.K. Raed said...

UT S, I was SURE you must have polygs up there. We don't call them pligs because you know we are all so slow down here in Dixie, we just have to drawl out that "o". Actually, we've heard they consider plig to be an insult, but polyg is OK because it's just an abbreviation. But however you say it, it means illegal.

Enigma, we are fatworking hardass women!!!

the WIZARD, fkap said...

madmike, I thought the essay was funny and neither too harsh, nor too bitter.

But, Utah, the trouble with stereotypes is that we are all just people. All of us.

And Utah, while you're jubilant at the situation in Texas, it's actually one of the most horrific abuses of basic civil rights in modern times. And it's getting worse. I will be writing more on this later.

Moreover, the Wizard confidently predicts that polygamy will be legal in the United States in our lifetime (and, yes, we're both getting on in years ;)

And, yes, the Wizard is thrilled at the recent events in California. The effort by conservatives to ban Gay Marriage by constitutional amendment will fail. Gay marriage is here to stay.

My god, I'm rambling again...... Stick a fork in me.... I'm done.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Oh No. I feel the need to one-up you about the grocery carts and the entire shopping experience of the Wal-Mart in Ava, Missouri.

God help me.

Freida Bee said...

I love the conversation in the produce area. It's understated, but reassuring and isolation-busting, indeed.

Petrosexual said...

Since you asked, Salvage, I'll answer. You have not pissed me off. I just see you as someone who types faster than she thinks.

Randal Graves said...

Man, I love rambling, yet coherent rants like this.

Fucking tomatoes. Go to an actual farm type place and you see that REAL tomatoes look like alien hand grenades, not carefully sculpted spheres.

Eighteen year olds, twenty-eight, forty-eight, eighty-eight, everyone has those fucking Borg earpieces. Disconnect, people! Please, no blindingly obvious comments about those words being typed online.

But you guys actually talk to people in the grocery store? Are you insane?

Utah Savage said...

Randal, Am I insane? Ask madmike. Well, actually you don't have to ask madmike, he lays it out pretty carefully.

DivaJood said...

I must agree completely with Randall Graves. Anyone who has an earpiece growing out of their head is really asking for trouble with me. I mean really. It's just such a ridiculous look.

MadMike said...

Utah you are a good sport, at least some of the time:-)

Wizard you made my point except to the bitterness end of the discussion. I live in the Deep South and while I have only been here a short while I find a lot of great and wonderful people everywhere I go.

Anita said...

that was sooo funny. i can't stand going to the grocery store, and now i understand why. i, like you, get disgusted at everything (well almost everything) that i encounter there. from the fat asses (and in my grocery store it's not just fat "asses" it's lots of really obese people with really obese kids. i bet their dogs and cats are obese too.

regarding anxiety, despite my blog-name, i have been on klonopin (aka clonazapam) for years now and it really is, at least in my case, a bit of a miracle drug. the only thing i'd say is never, NEVER drink heavily while you're taking klonopin (or probably any benzodiazpine). you will have major, major blackouts. and yes i know this from experience.

SaoirseDaily2 said...

I agree, you are a great writer. I used to live in Woods Cross. Some day I will bog about the experience. We still chickle from the question, you want fry sauce with that! Have a great sunday. I am beading necklaces left and right.

Naj said...

What's a chili cheese dip?!!

i know dr pepper from forest gump :)

And I wish I could go to a fatass grocery, so I'd fit in :)

The politics of food, however, is really interesting, isn't it? I am not much into organic shopping and free-trade stuff; but I do not purchase anything without reading the labels. Nutrients do not need to be organic. I accept genetically engineered food just as I accept the electromagnetic power deposition of the flippant cell phones in my skin, and as I accept inhaling Co2 or intaking Wolf Blister. But I refuse to buy anything that has artificial color or flavor.

I also refuse buying expensive food as I think succumbing to hight food prices will inevitably hurt those who cannot afford it, and if not so, it will create food-chain classes.

I also refuse buying very cheap food from big companies that aim at nothing but promoting their labels; and in so doing drive the smaller producers out of business ...

I love grocery shopping because it forces me to exercise my limits of convictions ... it "is" a political act!

enigma4ever said...

NAj:
you don't know what Chilicheese dip is???oh dear we need take you shoppin'....go to the crap food aisle....and take a deep breath...once you are near the Doritos- the Chilicheese dip is within arms reach- promise you....

I liked what DK said we are fatworking hardassed...It would make a great bumpersticker...

DivaJood said...

Naj, before you start with chili cheese dip, you should start with a can of cheese whiz. Really, crap food does have an order of ascendence.

an average patriot said...

Utah you're a riot!
It drives me crazy that people do not like themselves enough to endure themselves even for a moment it seems. I am happy with my company and will never have a cell phone.
It has also driven me crazy that people do not respect themselves enough to take care of themselves. Enjoy it while they can I guess. Pretty soon most will not be able to afford to be obese that is why McCain said he will end childhood obesity.
I enjoy my coffee but can do without anything and everything including my whiskey if I have to. Oh no! Anyway I eat out of necessity and a lot of people are going to have to get use to that. Yesterday my better half bought a tomato and it cost $2.50 Good thing I don't eat watermelon I might have to take out a loan!

Utah Savage said...

OK. Crap food lovers everywhere, get ready to be insulted. Divajood is about to out your crap food loves. And in the correct order. Reminds me of when I was a kid and had to learn the order of the forks, spoons, knives, plates within plates, more than one glass. I was still trying to figure out who ran away with the spoon and the little dog laughed to see such sport and the FORK, it was the fork that and away with the spoon! I got it now.

Utah Savage said...

Wizard, whose basic civil rights are being violated with such reckless abandon? The "husbands", the "wives but way underaged and scared by the brainwashing they have received at the knees of their brainwashed and ignorant mothers? The poor weeping mother's who allow their own very young under aged daughters to be "given" in "holy matrimony" to some fifty year old.... You can see where this is going can't you? Open marriages for grown up? I'm fine with those kind of choices for grown ups. But fourteen year old girls are not grown up and these "marriages" are illegal, and what has happened to these girls is rape. Church sanctioned rapes. Shall we carry on with this discussion? Are you ready to write up a storm for the legalization of this awful practice? Let's keep the focus on the civil rights aspect of it all, shall we?

enigma4ever said...

Back to Being Out Crapped by Crappy Food...Naj dear, Diva is right that CheezWihiz Sucked from the Can is a true hillbilly culinary delite....BUT the Best is Velvetta....ahhh the disgusting things one can do with Velvetta...It can be put on everything- even Twinkies...

( which btw Utah I went to the store today and thought of you our Grocery Goddess...and they were out of Mac& Cheez and Twinkies....and yes, I am a terrible mother that I was seeking these items...)

What a great post and good company...between this post and Divajood and Daisietta Lake Tours I was laughing all weekend...thank you...

Suzi Riot said...

Holy fuck, woman! Reading this made me exhausted! ;)

D.K. Raed said...

What, no Ho-Ho's with some Cool Whip sprayed on top? To be eaten with a SPORK (cuz the dish ran away with the spoon, UT).

OMG, Saoirse, you will have to explain FRY SAUCE to the rest of the world! I've never seen it outside of UT. It may be the single biggest cause of obesity here.

Enigma, you remind me of the one rule I had to lay down when I first got married ... Velveeta shall never our lives, not ever.

And somewhere back there, Diva mentioned Red Velvet Cake. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds like something I should investigate.

Avg Pat, maybe McCame should run on the weight-watchers platform?

D.K. Raed said...

oops, Velveeta shall never ENTER our lives! BTW, wasn't that the name of some ancient porn queen?

Naj said...
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Naj said...

Cheese Wizz ... they served it in a North American conference once, I disliked it!

The European attendees were wondering what magic crap it was; and when told, well ... there was a lot of leftover hotdogs and cheezewheez at the end.

Jim, I think if we cannot afford to buy, then we will start growing.

I have grown up through American-imposed war, and American-imposed sanctions. For years we didn't have as much butter, sugar, detergent, rice, eggs as we wanted; so we became creative. During the war, the front yard of our marble facaded house was turned into a farm, we raised chickens and gave the eggs to neighbors, we grew herbs next to roses, we used beans and vegetables more than meat ... war taught us not to waste ... and so did drought

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

Where's K? Certainly her head is exploding somewhere.

fairlane said...

I don't worry so much about them grilling hot dogs outside the grocery store, it's the "Gay Recruiters," and the penis shaped cookies.

Fuck Xanax, and Valium, nothing beats Vicodin, and Wild Turkey.

Big Yellow Forehead said...

Haven't pissed me off yet!

DivaJood said...

Naj doesn't like CheeseWhiz? What's the world coming to? Ah, yes, Velveeta - I can feel my arteries harden just typing the words.

But the LIST:
Cheese Whiz and Velveeta
Chili Cheese Dip
Twinkies, which have a shelf life of 100 years

But the best, the ultimate, are In and Out Burgers, served "Animal Style."

Utah Savage said...

Diva gets the best line of the night.

enigma4ever said...

okay...I am now dying of curiousity...I have never had an" In and Out "burger.. and you got me "Animal Style"????

susan said...

That was a great post and turned into a whopping hilarious thread. I really hope you're having as much fun as you bring to the party.

A memorable moment at the grocery store was overhearing a guy on his cell yelling, 'Look, Bitch, I'm in fronna the deli now so ya want American or that weird Swiss shit with da holes?'

Then there was the woman on the bus who pulled her phone from her purse and said, 'Didn't I tell you never to call me here?'

Hell? Handbasket? We've already gone.

enigma4ever said...

Okay...I just read about the In N"Out Burgers...and THE ANIMAL style...omg....I have to move out west again...I had NO idea....there is now officially drool on the keyboard...

( and here I thought that White Castle was so heavenly....HA!!!)

( so thank you Diva and Utah- thanks to you I actually looked up fast food on Wikipedia...Another First....)

okay...back to twinkies and the Batchelorette....this still wins post and thread of the week...

an average patriot said...

Okay I'll bite!
What the hell is an in and out burger? Or...

DivaJood said...

In and Out Burgers is a family-owned, non-franchise, greasy burger chain around Southern California. Animal Style has, in addition to the special sauce, grilled onions. You must eat these with a bib, as they are juicy and filled with grease.

White Castle Burgers are essential eating when stoned. I no longer eat them, as I no longer get high. I don't think a slider could get past my lips sober.

an average patriot said...

Diva
Sounds good, You're a damn riot!

D.K. Raed said...

diva, we just got an in-n-out here in SW Utah! opened up a few weeks ago & so far there is no time their parking lot isn't filled with people waiting (and waiting). I remember them fondly from so-cal & was so looking fwd to one here. guess I'll have to wait my turn, behind 50 cars of screaming kids.

and here's a coincidence, I had never heard of "animal style" until last month when I mentioned about this new In-N-Out opening here, and my sister clued me in. Now I REALLY can't wait!