Monday, July 28, 2008

Churlish in the Dog Days

I'm tired and pissed off and sad. And My Administrator is fed up with me. I have been experiencing these cardiac events, as my E Cardio heart monitor techs call them when I have to unload the days happenings into the phone. I don't notice the events, I just feel churlish, tired, and incapable of doing the simplest things--as if I left the house that is my brain, and some moron has inhabited it in my absence. And the weather isn't helping.

Over the past few days it's been 105 in the shade of the gazebo. And then out of nowhere a single cloud forms and then one crack of lightening and my house gets a surge that knocks out everything. Yes my friends, I did not own a surge protector. No, I just "forgot" to put it on my shopping list. No I'm not a complete moron, just a moron in some areas. Those parts of my brain not engaged in foraging for food and the fistfull of pills I take each day and finding a place that isn't out of my smokes, is about the limit of what I feel I can do at this particular point in my rush toward the grim reaper. I'm wired up like frankenstein, with a monitor hanging from my neck that's like wearing an especially ugly neckless that weighs too much--the wires dangle, and it's too hot to wear anything that would make this unsightly mess less visible, so I go around with wires hanging, and my monitor swinging jauntily from my tired neck. I'm fed up and very tired and really cranky.

After the second or third surge, my Administrator told me to "GET A GOOD SURGE PROTECTOR OR YOU WILL KILL YOUR COMPUTER, and in his tone was the last bit, but not exactly said, YOU MORON. I am grateful to my Administrator, and I'm obedient like a five year old to his shouted orders. So I got the most expensive surge protector I could find. I unplugged the tangle of cords, and reinstalled the important ones, and then BAM, another surge. Well, thank god, I was "protected." None of this makes me less cranky or surly or irritable. Part of this irritably is the result of the antidepressant change, and the heat isn't helping, and the heart going haywire several times a day for no fucking reason, and the extreme fatigue of it all. Could this be the big ennui that is old age and the approach of the sweetly smiling grim reaper creeping up on me? It's probably all of the above. But then, in response to a too desperate email and a couple of whiny emails I sent my Administrator followed by a day of silence from him, I got a very pissed off email back. I don't doubt that I deserved his scorn and impatience, but it hurt my feelings. And since I feel like one ragged exposed and overused nerve, I shut down my computer and took to bed.

And a damn good thing it was. A storm blew in and knocked the power out in the whole neighborhood. So, no fan, no swamp cooler, no TV, no lights, one candle, and fortunately one flashlight that worked. So after a night of too much time to think, and a restless sweaty sleep-- I'm in no better mood, but I will not yet give up the blogging, and I will continue to swear like a drunken sailor, and I will, eventually, slowly edit my fiction again.

PS . So to console myself, I made a luscious fresh peach cobbler because it's peach season, and I'm finally tired of cornbread.

Oh, and I almost forgot--the three molars on the lower right side of my jaw have become abscessed, and need to be pulled, cut out, whatever. But because of the heart thing and the big dose of blood thinners, I can't have this little painful problem dealt with. I can't afford it anyway. So I stay on antibiotics to keep the pain to a low simmer. Did I say I can't afford it? Medicare does not cover dental emergencies. But even if they did, I still couldn't get this last indignity taken care of.

17 comments:

Anita said...

i'm sorry you're feeling so badly today, utah. i understand the irritation and the frustration and anger when nothing goes right and everything goes wrong and nobody really gives a shit anyway.

although, i'm glad to hear you say you're not giving up blogging, and, most importantly, that you're not giving up writing in general. your fiction needs to be put on paper since, as you've noted, you're not done quite yet.

hang in there utah. you're NOT crazy. you are actually more sane and more sensitive than the average person and that just makes you feel more alone in the world.

enigma4ever said...

I am so sorry friend....hang in there...I too know all about surge protectors- the HARD way...you are indeed not a moron....

about the heat...if I had O2 and it was that hot...I would take a few extra puffs....might help..and definently sleep with it...

but finally good woman know this - you have a hurt heart that needs tending - that's okay- because we know that you write with it...so take care of you...
we love you- cussing swearing and telling it like it is....

( and you come hang at watergate summer if you get too hot ;-)

Utah Savage said...

Yes to all of the above, Anita. Only my old HP printer is on the fritz, and the years of editing on paper didn't make me a better editor. I don't work well from page to computer, and I can move things around on the computer in a way I can't on paper. Yes, it is the esthetic of words on paper that is my hope for all of this, but in the meantime--why can't I write a good sentence? I feel my creativity receding as my irritability increases, and fatigue claims me.

Border Explorer said...

Utah, I just wanted to say that I really care that you're feeling so bad. I'm sorry your administrator hurt your feelings with his curt responses. I know what it feels like to be hot and without electricity. It stinks. I don't know how it feels to be you, because you're really suffering from many fronts simultaneously. You brighten many days for me, so I wish I could do something to brighten yours. Thanks for continuing to write through it all.
P.S. Also, thanks for the recent burst of great music!

enigma4ever said...

come back to Watergate summer...I dedicated a song to you .....it will help fight the godamned heat...

DCup said...

Anita is definitely on to something. You are more alive and more aware and that can be more painful.

I hate it that you're without comforts and didn't have a good night's sleep. That's awful and it helps nothing.

As for the peach cobbler - I just hope we have some left when I get home!

Tired of cornbread? Are you turning a corner?

Utah Savage said...

Thank god for women friends. Dcup your serving will be waiting for you.

Freida Bee said...

I am new to the anti-depressant tract, U. Savage, but noticed a decreased interest in writing when I started on it, and each of the two times I've had the dose increased. Id it because I write to relieve the discomfort of compulsivity? But, I have found that each time the urge comes back.

Stella said...

Oh, Utah, :(

So sorry. Am I going to have to come up there and nurse you back to health?

Liberality said...

Well hopefully your drugs will kick ass and you can get some nicer weather and the power surges will stop and your computer guy will learn to be nicer to you.

I'm sorry to read about your heart and teeth. Hope you feel better soon.

Utah Savage said...

It really is true, when you need help who are your friends--women. You guys are great. Thanks for the sympathy. All the kick-ass is gone. Any murderous urges are gone--now all I want is a good nap everyday.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Did you call those people I mailed to you?

Utah Savage said...

It scares me, UC. But whether or not I call them in the end, I am on coumadin. We're on a quest to keep the stroke factor down. But I still have the info--thanks UC.

D.K. Raed said...

If I was up there I'd give you a cool back massage, work out your leg cramp kinks, put cucumbers on your eyes, crank that swamp cooler up. I'd take your dogs for a long walk & just yak away. The talking is the important part. Talking & writing helps to organize your brain (but you already know that).

I hate that you are feeling so lousy. All this heat & thunder storms we've been sending up your way really takes its toll, doesn't it. (computer hint: whenever I start seeing lightning or hearing thunder, I turn off the computer until it passes; it's not worth the worry even WITH a surge protector)

Now about those absessed molars ... you will need to get them taken care of soon, they can cause further heart prob's. Maybe after you are done with the heart monitor. But soon, OK? I've had 2 friends who died way too young from endocarditis. OK, enough lecturing ... just a big virtual hug for you & some tasty biscuits for your doggies!

ps, I love the music you've been putting up!

Randal Graves said...

enigma, what are you talking about? It's going back into the 90s here this week!

At least we all have universal health care. Wait.

It sucks that your rants are borne from, well, the place that rants often come from, 'cause they're so good.

Utah Savage said...

DK, I'd so love to take you up on that offer. Your sound like the loving sister I never had who,d probably try to boss me around a little. I am quite horrendously stubborn, but I know your advise is good and on August 6th, I go back to the cardiologist.

D.K. Raed said...

Yup, "Bossy", that's me! I'm sure my sisters would agree. We are all stubborn, but somehow manage.

BTW, you can do your own leg cramp massages. Working in circles & then straight lines, all in one direction ... then reverse all in the other direction. Unhinge your mouth so you don't bite down on those aching molars. Even better, when you close your eyes...