Friday, July 11, 2008

For Stella, and K, And Mary Ellen

Stella at Swiftspeech
K at the iKoniclast
Mary Ellen at the Divine Democrat

I apologize to you all for not really listening, for insulting you and for being a really bad hostess. I can only claim craziness. I have talked about this before, but I am bipolar. Yesterday I had my regularly scheduled visit with my Psychiatrist. I'm now on a new antidepressant. Maybe I'll get nicer, more patient, and better at listening. I hope you will not hold a grudge. I didn't mean to be rude, but I was rude. I didn't mean to be insulting, but I was insulting. I didn't mean to not hear you, but I didn't hear you. And as an old crazy, woman who has locked herself up with a new computer and few visitors, I didn't mean to be a bad hostess, but I was--I never have much opportunity to be a hostess in the real world, and so my hostess chops are rusty and need to be upgraded. I'll work on that.

To k, I wish to apologize for not recognizing the courage of your honesty about your own very personal comment, and why you are justifiably angry with me, and with Senator Obama's position on late-term abortions. Your honesty was breathtaking. It takes real courage to talk about the personal in a public forum. I salute you, especially you. And I am sorry for not recognizing what was happening in my own comments thread.

But mostly I want to say, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

19 comments:

Stella said...

Utah, I adore you and understand better than you might think. I'm too old and tired to hold grudges, especially to one who has provided me so much inspiration.

Truly, I understand. I'll try and email you as soon as I can. BP is not an easy gift to explain to people. I will tell you this: I firmly believe BP is a gift of the brilliant. It's also a pain.

You are a jewel, Utah. I use this quote often to apply to my own quirks: "A [wo]man should never be ashamed to own that [s]he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that [s]he is wiser today than yesterday." Jonathan Swift

The ability to apologize is a rare gift. Apparently, you've been blessed. Be well and at peace.

fairlane said...

You better not get "nicer," what's with all this "Nice" crap?

Bah!

Nice won't even get you a stick of gum these days.

I say, Fuck'em all, and let Gandhi sort'em out.

Stella said...

Yeah, fairlane, fuck 'em all!

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Stella. I knew you would be understanding. I'm afraid I'll never see Mary Ellen again. I only hope K drops by and sees her name. She might stop and read, but I'm afraid I really stepped in it this time.

As for you, fairlane, thanks for the heartfelt words of encouragement. "Fuck em all" is usually my motto. In this case, these are women who deserve better than they got. Isn't that always the case with women.

Stella said...

You've done all you can Utah. If they come back, great, if they don't, they don't. After all, you have no lack of fans.

:L)

enigma4ever said...

Utah::
you wonderful lady- don't let certain people get to you- you have been more than hospitalable to all of us that stop by- you are real, honest- and authentic and open to all- you have been wonderful......

( I saw Stella said BP is a gift- I am not sure what BP is...BUT I do agree with her that you are very much full of gifts...and wisdom....)

This is YOUR domain, your nest, your Home, don't ever be shy claiming that, you have created a Forum- be proud of that.....may we all be kind and gracious to you our hostess....If people come here and disrespect you or judge you or your manners - well-shame on them.....this is YOUR blog- your writing haven....we love how you write and express your thoughts and reveal pieces of yourself....

namaste good woman.....many hugs....

K McKiernan said...

Never was mad... a little shocked, but its totally ok. My mom is bi-polar... I comprehend the swings and I comprehend the righteous anger.

Thank you for saying all this. I think you are a wonderful person and I am very glad we are friends.

K

Utah Savage said...

Thanks K

BBC said...

Be what you are I guess.

Utah Savage said...

You mean a bitch, Bill?

Je ne regrette rien said...

never apologize and never let them see you cry.

Naj said...

I am going to go off topic, so warning ahead that please don't get mad at me :)

But I have an issue with the way the so-called "science" of psychiatry has branded personality a clinical name that goes with a pharmaceutical product. I am aware of the exhilaration of a manic episode or the pain of a depressive period; but I see that as a personality type, which leads to creativity. I hate artists, writers, philosophers medicated BECAUSE they stray from the normal curve. If I were your doctor, I would never call you a bi-polar, I would tell you: Utah, you appear to experience the world in an intense way, with an intensity that perhaps mismatches the patterns of your surroundings. The therapy course is to keep the intensity and to express the intensity, but to express it as if you are alone, as if you are in no dialog with anyone but yourself; because that's what those intense emotions make you: an outlier from the normal curve.

fairlane said...

U- I'm not talking about these "women," I'm talking about this notion that you're going to be "nicer," in a generalized sense.

Part of your charm is your cantankerousness, and I'd hate to see you domesticate yourself.

Surely, by now, you realize, again, not speaking about this particular situation, but blogging, as a whole, that teh Innertubes is filled with people looking for a reason to get pissed off.

I say, Give the People What They Want.

When I read that you're going to be "nicer," I thought, "Great, yet another "Liberal" blog where everyone talks about Care Bears, and Skipping down the street, hand in hand."

That's just not you, and that's a good thing. The majority of those Care Bear people are bloody hypocrites who'd turn on you in a second if you dared to stray from the Orthodoxy.

Randal Graves said...

You got a problem with Care Bears motherfucker?

I'd pay off Obama's eventual debt to hear him say that on live teevee. After I get incorporated. As a bank. And bailed out.

Pagan Sphinx said...

Dear Ms. Utah,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know you or your blog well, so all I can say is that we all have our turns at being cranky - and politics does that to people anyway.

As for bipolar. My daughter was diagnosed at age 16, five years ago. She was a difficult case, having gone through countless meds and their awful side-effects and many hospitalizations. She's on Lamictal now for two years and it's working great for her. I'm sure you've been through a lot with this and know the illness inside out but I thought I'd mention the Lamictal, as it's literally saved SG1's life.

The best of the best to you.

Peace,
Pagan

Utah Savage said...

God, I love you guys. You are making me cry all over my keyboard.

Naj, thanks for the encouragement to be myself, sadly that could get me locked up again. I do not want that to happen. That is a place I never want to go again. And coming out of it left me unable to write for a couple of years.

fairlane, I'm stunned by your encouragement. I actually thought you just flew past now and again and left a non sequitur on your way by to fuck with my head, in a charming way. Sartre? Yes? Camus? More? Fuck no.

Randal, that's a great idea, lets all incorporate together and be a bank, then we'll all get bailed out together.

Pagan. I always love to see you in my comments. I'd still be nagging you to write a short story, but once I get a firm no, I usually back off. Unlike some men I've known.

enigma4ever said...

I agree with Randall- what the hell is wrong with Carebears-??
My Carebears Kick some ass...and nobody calls them Whiners ....

and skipping? we can't skip anymore Fairlane?

geesus tapdancing in a thong....I have already lost my Marbles and now people are dissing my Carebears....Fairlane- I would give ya a stick of gum anyday.....

that's it....I am hiding my Hula Hoop and my pogo stick and my Lucky Charms....

Hang in there Madama Savage....we love ya'....

Utah Savage said...

Fairlane, my only orthodoxy is of the voting kind. I vote. I hope we pull our collective brains out of our collective asses before it's no longer worth living here. I may be just wishful thinking at this point. So in that effort to restore the few rights we still had when BushCo came swaggering into town, I bitch and moan to the powers that be. I write those letters and sign those petitions, letting those who govern me know what I care about. I want my civil rights back. And so, I know that those of us who still believe our votes count, no cheap easy joke intended, will continue to vote.

Je ne regrette rien said...

what am I ? chopped liver? or would that be foie gras, now that I am in France?