Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm Sorry

I'm not sleeping well and woke up inexplicably at 3 AM and decided to read a blog or two looking for inspiration. I read Liberality's post from yesterday and was amazed and delighted. I started scrolling backwards reading what she's been up to and was further amazed. Other people have real lives. Fancy that. I know Dcup has a huge real life and I've never been able to figure out how she does it. Not only do you guys have spouses, and kids, and jobs (and in Libs case, school) and write, you actually vacuum. Then you go visiting and say funny, smart things, like the perfect party guest. I've almost always been the wallflower at the party. So I'm in awe. The only party I've been throwing lately has been the most disgusting of all parties--the pity party. Well, I'm finally disgusted enough with myself to give it up. I'm calling my shrink today and telling her this latest drug change isn't working. I'd rather be fat than dull. Hell, I rather be dead than dull.

I owe my administrator a huge apology. No one has done more to help me master a few of the fundamentals of computing. His patience is astounding. He has been generous and for the most part very kind. Besides all of that I really like him. He's given me the world, and I've acted like a petulant child at a tiny bit of criticism. Yes, I am ashamed of myself. He has asked me to leave him out of my card game. And I will, once I state publicly what an ass I've been. I'm thin skinned beyond belief. I hate whiners and I'm a huge whiner. This leads to self-loathing. Duh. Circular and stupid. I'm climbing out of the hamster wheel and will attempt to peer out the window now and then.

Yesterday I got a lot of very good advise from the women who know when someone needs an intervention.

9 comments:

enigma4ever said...

We are still here...and we still love ya'....we all know what Bad Times feel like and what Hitting the Low feels like....maybe not exactly....but enough to know that it is not something anyone should go through alone...

You are an amazing writer...not because you have a wonderful life,or are exciting..but because you tell the truth...and you tell It Well...you tell it with Color and Insight...that is a gift...

jus' sayin'......

So the peach cobbler may be gone, and you can even burn the cornbread....but we are still here...so do what you need to do....take care of you...but you got friends good woman...

many Hugs...

DCup said...

It takes grace and style to do what you just did. This is me giving you that terrorist fist jab and a big hug.

Ingrid said...

I second E..you are a great writer. As I was reading this post, I could not help but feel the ease and flow of your style..I think highly of it. I know nothing of your Administrator and your history so I'll refrain from any commentary. You do what you need to do and kudos for changing the meds..it's hassle and a bit but like you said, better 'whatever' than dull dull dull..

hugs

Ingrid

DivaJood said...

What Dcup said. Fist bumps all around.

Liberality said...

Don't sweat it. Everyone makes mistakes--it's called being human and there's no shame in that. Just take care of yourself and keep on writing.
Big hug!

Linda Sama said...

hey, sis, I'm thinking about you....I haven't blogged much lately, but WTF.

breathe peace-be peace, sis.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Excuse me, but why for one fucking instant should you apologize about anything?

Listen to me, Phillip can have an opinion, and to paraphrase the old saying, he's entitled to it, just like his asshole. Let him write in a public forum and let him suffer the slings and arrows.

A different tune would instantly be heard, particularly by someone named "ADMINISTRATOR."

Dude, LEARN UP. It's entirely possible for you to emancipate yourself and dump this crap of some one, and ONLY ONE PERSON having to help you.

I'd tell that muther "eat my shorts" so fast it'd make his head spin.

It's nice for you to be gracious, but it's better for you to be learned. You dont need some ass telling you what you can and cannot do, and what you can and cannot write.

Fuck that.

Utah, there's way much more help available to you as demonstrated already by your friends in blog world here. How you wish to trust and use them for the help they wish to offer is one thing, and the crap you're willing to put up with from your "Administrator" is another.

I am confident you can be your own Admin.

/end rant.

D.K. Raed said...

"climbing out of the hamster wheel" ... and you question your writing abilities? Just that one little phrase alone speaks volumes. We all recognize it & know how it feels to be on the hamster wheel, and what a sigh of relief comes when you can finally step off of it. UT, you are fine, right as rain, the world awaits you.

Utah Savage said...

UC, my sweet and sour friend. I need him and I like him. But he can be a cruel bastard now and then. And I can be a slow and stupid student. Stubborn and rebellious. He's incredibly skilled and it is his profession. I also admire his writing, most of the time. He can cut to the heart of it, and never bullshits you when he hates something. I value honesty. You can't trust someone who won't be honest with you. I pissed him off. He hurt my feelings. I sulked and acted like a baby having a tantrum, just making him angry. I don't have all that many friends who are able and willing to put up with my inability to grasp the world wide web and the intertubes. He has offered me access to the world. He used to think I was a great writer. Then I got sloppy, going through a bad patch and he told me to knock it off, in his very direct way. It was the kind of thing I needed to hear, but the timing sucked. I don't want to lose him as a friend and mentor. He can come on my side of the screen and fix things. We can talk voice to voice. I miss him, but other than this, I don't know what to say to him. And I'm too unsure of my ability to tell him how sorry I am, and how wounded I feel. Not his wounding of me, but my old, not quite healed wounds.

I'm touched by your fierce defense of me and my daily rant or whine. I love it when you sing to me. "We are little lost lambs who has lost our way...baa baa baa"