Monday, July 7, 2008

In Case You Doubted...

In case you doubted it, a daily serving or two of Jiffy Corn Bread for breakfast, and a nightly, bedtime treat of a chocolate ice-cream cone, can make you really fat, it's true. Fat. I look preggers to me. We're (my friends and I) are calling this baby Corn Pone. I even walk like I 'm preggers--waddle waddle, hefting my gut around. I think it's time to change my diet. Melea, my friend who is still in her twenties, but not by much, suggested that I start wearing Muumuus. Snotty little bitch. This new baby better be nicer than that.

Well I've baked brownies for a friend, (you know who you are) and now I have to go find some fat clothes at the second hand store. I have an appointment with my Shrink on Thursday. I want to look my best for her, since my fucking fate lies in her hands. I'm thinking it might be time to switch one of my mood stabilizing drugs. Because there's one thing I know; I want to stay out of the looney bin. Sorry folks if calling it that is offensive, but if you spent any time in one, you know what I mean. Let's not pussy foot around here. I'm fat and a little crazy.

29 comments:

DCup said...

It sneaks up on you. And dammit, it's harder to take it off than to put it on.

You are gorgeous. Fat is relative.

DivaJood said...

I prefer terms like Ruebenesque. If you look at any of the women Ruebens painted, they were all full, round, and glowing. Or Raphaelite - same thing - full, round, glowing. We have a perverse obsession with being too thin, and it is not very attractive. And you look like Audrey Hepburn.

That said, you can call it the Looney Bin.

Utah Savage said...

Thanks dCup, thanks Diva. Ruebenesque would be fine if I glowed anymore. I might glow a little more if you'd submit your stories, dears... I heard you yesterday, my sweet friend Dcup, talk about writing a little fiction. But you, Diva and stubbornly silent on the subject. What's up with that?

DivaJood said...

Well, I'm old and forgetful, and haven't finished a thing. But I think I will write about the chronically depressed child psychiatrist who treated his patients like shit.

Utah Savage said...

That sounds promising, Diva.

Beach Bum said...

I honestly don't know whether they sale this stuff out your way but here in the South a company called "Little Debby" sales snack cakes that to me are like crack. I got on one of my health kicks one year losing a good bit of weight but the fall of 2000 I took a programming class that had me running between home, work, and school not leaving much time for a decent meal. Little Debby jumped on my back like some damn monkey and at the end of the class I weighed close to 275 pounds. My height (6'-5") covered much of it up but I felt like crap.

Utah Savage said...

Little Debbie as crack, Southern crack at that. Love it Beach. I'm not alone with my pudgy preggers self. I bet most beer drinking guys of a certain age are silently suffering for their crack, as it were. Men approaching their fifties often buy themselves little fast red sports cars--we called this a mid-life crisis in the olden days. fast little car, balding, and preggers with a beer belly. Skinny little legs, too. Not talking about you Beach. You sound like quite a specimen of a man.

fairlane said...

I used to work in a "Loony Bin."

I'm still waiting for that $1,000,000,000,000 check one of the patients promised me.

I could really use that money.

BBC said...

Well, I eat anything I want to eat and I'm a slim and trim 165 pounds most of the time. But I got down to 140 pounds so I'm trying to gain a few pounds.

But I do eat to live, not live to eat, and I often only eat once a day. When younger I would eat a half gallon of ice cream at a setting, now it's a quart.

And I call it a meal and don't eat the so called main course. It's like I keep saying.

Life is uncertain, eat dessert first, or drink it. But it pisses me off that in this state they charge a sales tax on beer.

It's a fucking food item when I'm pouring it on my Cheerios, hello!!

I love that Little Debbie shit, hand it all over and no one gets hurt. Well, maybe it's my tape worm that loves it?

Mariamariacuchita said...

Hi, I wandered over form Stella's. Here's to fat and a little crazy.

Blueberry said...

I lost some weight 6 years ago, but it recently found me again. MrB has gained weight too, so it must be my cooking.

Randal Graves said...

If people in the looney bin are looney, why can't we call it the looney bin? That's looney.

Too thin is grotesque, and not in a cool, gargoyle on Notre-Dame kind of way. Not sure about the Little Debbie crap, but corn bread type stuff is fucking delicious. Not sure what that has to do with gargoyles.

We've gone from Marilyn Monroe - who'd be considered fat these days - to beanpoles. Yikes.

Man, I want some corn bread.

DivaJood said...

Aren't Little Debbie cakes similar to Ho-Hos? However, I prefer a good moon pie, or Red Velvet Cake. Now that's amazing.

Utah Savage said...

You guys are wonderful. I found a few articles of clothing I can were without embarrassment, and bought tons of cleaning products. No Ho Ho's, no little Debbie, burt dried fruit in several varieties. I'm working up a hunger for a really good colon cleans. If I could find some red velvet cake I be all over it. Eating red velvet cake for breakfast lunch and dinner, in bed.

Randal, just when I needed to hear something kind and comforting from a man, along you come and drop Marilyn Monroe, Now that was a real beautiful woman, crazy too. I feel a lot better about myself now.

Randal Graves said...

Pas de problème. Just save me some of that corn bread.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I'm a little fat and a little crazy too. Now if would just PAY well...

Liberality said...

Well I am 5'6" and I weigh 120lbs. Yeah, hate me. But I do eat ice cream and at least once a month go on a chocolate binge as well. Sugar is my monkey as there is diabetes in the family.

Utah Savage said...

Lib, you gorgeous young thing. I too was genetically slim all my life until.... Age does strange things to one's metabolism. I also ate ice-cream and chocolate cake whenever I liked, and some of my model friends hated me for that. But life has a way of making us all invisible as we get old--unless we're crazy enough to stand on the corner and talk loudly to ourselves... Just saying.

Liberality said...

I'm almost half way through my forties and everyone raves about how much younger I look still. I got carded the other day trying to buy wine and I was like "oh come on!" I don't know how many times I heard that I should have been a model. I was too fucked up to do anything like that. I had a bunch of mental health issues to deal with and besides I really am the shy type, not flaunting at all. I have the unfortunate tendency to blush when someone compliments me to this day which drives me nuts.

But I have no illusions of how as I age I will become invisible. I hear it from my older women friends and from my mom and mil as well. As a woman, if you aren't sexy then you are not to be is the dictate I hear.

Utah Savage said...

Lib, my younger sister, you just nailed it.

Je ne regrette rien said...

oh blah. firstly I imagine you are comparing yourself to how you looked in your 20s and 30s. Which was probably skinny. I equate fat with morbidly obese and I doubt that is what you are. secondly diets are a sham. most thin people eat what they want. in smaller quantities. or only when hungry. and they probably exercise a bit more than most of us.

ps-a person can be sexy at any age or size. oh and bully for you liberality. we all feel better now. ha.

K McKiernan said...

Utah,

You had me laughing my ass off here. So fucking funny.

Its ironic... last March you were saying you could eat all the peanut butter cookies you wanted, remember? AHAHAHAH. I don't mean to laugh, but since I am looking like I could be pregnant most of the time (no way I am) well, I think I am "in" enough to joke, right?

The thing that really sucks is that I have been running 3 miles each morning even in that stupid hideous Ohio humidity for about 3 months now. Scratch that... over 3 months now... and I weight the EXACT same as I did when I started.

Can you believe that? Well, my doctor can. I went to him and just threw myself at his mercy. I said, are you shocked. And he looked at me dead serious and said, "yeah, you are a woman." He went on to say that for some women later on (not that later on--late 30's here) its nearly impossible to lose weight, especially around the middle.

Sigh. Meanwhile, J eats at all hours, everything he wants, gorges on too much food, begs for 3am taco bell runs, and then wakes up later than me, runs less than me, on fewer days, and guess what? In one month he lost 5 pounds. I could kill him.

You know... at least you spent more than 5 decades looking like a lovely, lithe sunbeam. I had only a few years.

K

Utah Savage said...

I never imagined anyone would be cruel enough to remind me of Last Year. Last Year is so long ago. I was a very different woman, Last Year. I was thirty pounds slimmer Last Year. I'm going to write a story about the woman I once was Last Year. I'm going to call it Last Year.

K McKiernan said...

Oh, are you serious? I was not at alllll trying to be hurtful, and I am talking about March... not last year!

Its hard to read people in the blogging world... were you just being rhetorical, or did I hurt your feelings really? I soooo did not want to do that.

I figured if someone fatter joked, it was allowed..hahahahahaha.

Besides, you are a remarkably beautiful woman and you KNOW it.

K McKiernan said...

Oh, and after a stressful divorce and getting on the pill and not eating as well as before, I gained 40 in 2 1/2 years...

Its disheartening!

Utah Savage said...

K dear, I'm so glad you're back. I was trying to be funny in my snidely sarcastic way. I was trying to be droll. I guess I missed the mark.

K McKiernan said...

I think you wrote just fine... I think it was our past friction made me super sensitive to stepping on any toes.

How is the doggie now that all the fireworks (should be)done?

K McKiernan said...

I keep re-reading this post and just laugh. You are so funny... really love when you say "snotty bitch" and go on to say your "baby" better be sweeter. HA!

Is there anyway that any of the drugs you are on has made you gain? Sure, food can be a culprit, but you used to say you could eat ANYTHING and not gain... why did it change?

K

Utah Savage said...

Could be drug weight, could be old age and not doing anything but sitting on my ass all day. Take you're pick. Probably a bit of all three.