Thursday, August 21, 2008

Freida Bee, Go To Your Room!

I read you. I know what's going on. And what the hell are you wasting money on douche for when you can make it for damn near nothing, and not contaminate the landfill for the next 2000 years with cheap plastic bottles? It's a little vinegar and a lot of water. Use a funnel, if you don't have a douche bag. Sorry boys, this is probably taking all the mystery out of the faintly vinaigrette scent of so many cunts you've visited in your travels. And just so you know, if a woman never has sex with a man, she will always smell fresh as a daisy. It's the cum you deposit that gives the pussy that fishy smell you're all so fond of telling jokes about.

Yes, Freida, you do sound manic. But not in a bad way. It's okay to tie the children up as long as your leave a cell phone. Yes, leave the fecking cell phone whenever possible. You are then free to ignore any calls in coming. Let the children take the calls. Use a phone booth to call you know who. That way the cops can't trace the call on your cell phone. Get my drift?

Laundry should be left till the last second. It should have that lived in smell. Otherwise why wash it?

And I always thought taking the garbage in and out was traditionally a manly job. Not the thing for you to be wasting time with. You have many more important things to do. Blogging is best done early. Unless, like me, it takes six hours for the brain to actually kick into gear and you don't get up till noon. But you sound manic enough to blog in your sleep, so no problem there. So, how's the Zoloft treating you?


Beach Bum said...

And I always thought taking the garbage in and out was traditionally a manly job.

Yeah, I have my son in training doing it and suprisingly it appears to be a very hard job. I come home and the garbage is overflowing and he is upstairs listening to music and IMing his friends.

Anonymous said...

Heh. A douche explanation of supper! Cause I'm eating at my desk, of course.

Now I'm totally with you on the laundry thing. Let it marinate.

Ghost Dansing said...

i wanted to post something clever on Freida Bee's Blog but i didn't understand it and i really didn't understand the picture you know the one with the two guys on either side of the guy who is upside down with the rainbow coming out of his neck i'm sure there is more nuance and stuff but the piece was on aggregate an enigma to me and totally impenetrable with respect to its basic andor profound existential meaning of all the confusion

Distributorcap said...

is this a massengill commercial

Utah Savage said...

What the fuck is going on today? I haven't been able to read any blogs once I got to Freida's so if your name comes after F, I couldn't get to you. I also couldn't post a comment even at Freida's so I had to respond to her here. Is anybody else having problems posting or visiting?

I've had to access my own damn blog through foxfire and Google myself, just to comment on my own blog. And my own blog did not recognize me and forced me to open a google account to post a comment. This sucks.

Beach, keep working on teaching your son the manly art of garbage removal. It will make him sexier with whomever he wishes to be seen as sexy by.

A vinaigrette is a handy thing to know how to make and who doesn't love it? I'm hoping to make vinaigrette as sexy as Viagra. If a nice vinaigrette gives everyman who gets a whiff a hard-on, I might end up as rich as Paul Newman. Savage's Own Secret Sauce.

No Dcap, this is the anti-Massengill ad.

Ghost, I know just what you mean. That should scare you a little. Which must make us both in confusion.

Utah Savage said...

Ghost, I mean that should leave us both in bed with chimps, but oh so talented chimps.

D.K. Raed said...

Feminine Hygiene is so complicated. A "funnel"? Hmmmm ... doesn't that mean you'd have to be lying on your back missionary style?

DivaJood said...

So, home made is better than store bought? Damn, I should have known better.

Side note: use plain vinegar, NOT basalmic.

Randal Graves said...

@dcap, HA!

I don't think my wife makes her own douche, but I'm sure she wishes she could make her own husband.

I'm always doing laundry. I hate when that shit piles up.

sitenoise said...

Sweetheart, I agree with you that men men men are the source of many a life problem, but where do you cum up with horseshit like this:

"And just so you know, if a woman never has sex with a man, she will always smell fresh as a daisy. It's the cum you deposit that gives the pussy that fishy smell you're all so fond of telling jokes about."

Freida Bee said...

Utah- You kinda hurt my feelings here. For one thing, I don't douche. Period. Not that I wouldn't if it were necessary or any woman shouldn't do what is needed for her own body. I was mocking douching and the idea of a sterile cunt and the whole 50's housewife, lay back and take it pseudo-mystique.

I do not recall making jokes about the smell of women's vaginas in the past either. I happen to think them miraculous, pleasurable places and feel no need to think it disgusting when my vasectomied husband of ten years and father of my children cums inside me. After years of childbearing, condoms, pills and IUDs I rather think it luxurious.

I hope you were not offended re: the manic statement. I was referring to a comment you made to one of my posts in which you were implying my being as such, not that I'm denying it or it doesn't occur or there's anything wrong with it. I was trying to write something quickly and manic was my voice (and, yes, a little of my mood). I apologize if it was disrespectful to you.

Incidentally, Zoloft™ has helped me a great deal. I am not having the debilitating panic attacks I was having and I have been an emotional hair trigger far less of the time, being a lifelong sufferer of PTSD following violence in my childhood.

When I referred to leaving my children home for short periods, I also mentioned having my daughter's cell phone with me so I can be reached. I would hope the other was understood to be the joke that it was. Of course, I wouldn't tie my kids up.

I'm not sure why you could not comment, but I am sorry the timing worked out as such, because you are always welcome to comment my posts.

Maybe, your sense of humor is dryer than mine even and I could not tell you were joking here and took this post too seriously.

Utah Savage said...

I have gone, once again, insane. I should not be writing at all. I should clean my house and shut up. I was having a problem commenting due to unknown technical difficulties on your comments thread about the manic pace of that post of yours. And wrote a manic and tasteless post of my own. It is so embarrassing to go crazy in public. Especially if you hurt someone else's feelings. I was trying to be funny. This is obviously not my metier. Sorry especially to you Freida. But also sorry to anyone who read this. If I'm going to write, I should come with a warning. What you read here may offend every one of you senses and assault your brain maybe doing permanent damage--certainly to your previous perception of me.

Reason enough for me to stop blogging about the blogging world and retreat into the world of fiction for awhile.

Freida Bee said...

Dear, It's okay. As long as I can say my piece, you are, of course, free to write what you choose. Lord Gawd knows I use my blog to post what is better dumped in the blogomosphere rather than on a person's real ears. Ask Randal if he felt my tastelessness in his Lazy Blogger award or DCup the likely uncouthness of awarding her a Kickin' Tits Award, only to later realize the inadvertent and abhorrent reference to someone actually kicking someone's breasts.

Perhaps, those of us who dance on the fine line between humor and reality, realize more than anyone else how easy it is to be tasteless in the outskirts.

I also have no business drinking coffee myself. Sobriety is a relative term. I am all too keenly aware of the need to watch myself, starting an anti-depressant recently for the first time, for signs of mania, particularly because my daughter's overdue bipolar diagnosis could have ended in her suicide were she successful. I also know self-diagnosis is near impossible when in the thick of things.

Mental health issues are really no humorous matter, but that will likely not stop me from offensively attempting such feats and likely offending others in the process.

I have been saddened to lose a few valued readers in the past year likely due to my explicitness. It is the cost we pay when we choose to say what's on our crazy minds. I like to think of it as the artistic reflection of society's insanity. It helps stave off the insomnia you accurately predicted from time to time.

I commend you for your humor's bold dryness. You may need it when I can get my scattered mind focused on the murderous tale that is brewing there. What does one do when one finds she needs pseudonyms for her pseudonyms? I cannot tell you that yet, but rest assured I shall leave out no details in the eventual recap.

Stella said...

Laundry should be left till the last second. It should have that lived in smell. Otherwise why wash it? Yes and homemade douche is ecologically correct.

Divajood, that's a GREAT tip. LOL!!!

Oh I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner. Whadda post!