Friday, August 22, 2008

She's Going Down For Awhile

It doesn't take much to knock you off that narrow fence you try to traverse in your journey through life with bipolar disorder. It's a high wire act to hold so still, while moving forward. Any other illness or new medical condition can trip your wire. The introduction of medications that might or might not interfere with your bipolar drugs can do it. And then no matter how careful you are, how little you do to stimulate or muffle your senses, it can just happen for no good or bad reason. And if you always were crazy for other good and valid reasons, whose to say whether or not it's bipolar disorder or general craziness that's sending you over the edge? But over the edge, and it might take weeks or years for you to regain that tenuous balance again. Or never. Lose your mojo and you just might never get it back. It might be just like love. Risky business.

There are so many prohibitions and restrictions. At some point you might feel straight-jacketed while out and about. It's embarrassing to be seen so addled, so trussed up, but opened like the acid moment when you understand that you can see under the skin, into the cell.

The one thing that scares me most is losing the spark that feels creative in me. This is probably all an illusion, but it's my illusion, and thus, my reality. And once lost, how will I ever know if I have it back, and if it's back will it feel the same, be as good, work as well? I am told often to take it one day at a time. So I get through one day, and then another, but day after day, I find myself missing. The thing that makes me the person I enjoy being is gone, and I might never get it back. And then the question becomes, how long can I live without the spark that makes me who I am? So finally, if I can no longer be the person I really am--the person I get a kick out of, the person who delights and entertains me with her dark wit and hard won wisdom--then what the fuck's the point? When it finally becomes pointless, it's essentially hopeless. And when it's hopeless, well, you might as well be dead, since you're just taking up space. And then I start counting the ways I could make it happen. My final creative act. This is something I've been contemplating since my late teens. So don't hold your breath.

I had a reason to keep writing this thing. I thought I had something to say. Now I don't. Sometimes I write such shit it embarrasses even me. And I'm not all that easily embarrassed.

Phillip, how about you take over for awhile? Or we'll just go silent while I finish editing "Maggy." I have stories still to write, but they are fiction and will be worked on in their own space. And since you are Sitenoise, what the hell do you need with the trouble that is Utah Savage?

I've probably said this before, but it's been fun while it lasted. Sorry if I offended you, or hurt your feelings, or embarrassed you, too.


Freida Bee said...

U. Savage- I replied over at your other post and wished you no harm in clarifying your intentions re: that post. Even if they were malicious in my view, they are your right, lady. Perhaps this diaretic blog process helps our sanity. I want to be no part of your ceasing it. I enjoy your writing and take it as a compliment to have been the target of your creative focus. Perhaps, I was slow-witted or overly sensitive, or more unlikely, more prudent than you, but regardless of whichever it is, I am willing to take my chances in being your blogfriend.

Don't make me post a cheesy 70's make-up sex song post, because if you know me at all by now, Utah,you know I will do it. You've been warned and I probably won't even wait for you to have a chance to heed the warning.

Stella said...

Utah, being bipolar is the burden of brilliance. I know right now that makes no difference to you. Nor will it help me to remind you that the glowing spark will return.

It is often a tightrope. If you fall, remember there is a ladder back up. There are lists and lists and even chatroms.

I know there's nothing I can write at this point in time. Here's all I got. Try to enjoy that lovely yard of yours and know you are far from alone.

The spark will fiercely burn again: would that I could find a way to make you know that.


D.K. Raed said...

now just a cotton-pickin minute, UT. You are not boring or offensive and you seem to find plenty to say in a unique way that causes people to think. Thinking is good.

It's your blog ... if you want to take time off, do it, and come back when/if you feel like it. That IS the point of having a blog, isn't it? You are NOT just taking up space here. It is a space that you can fill whenever you feel like it, in between editing Maggy & working on other "fiction" that utilizes your writing mojo.

So without putting any pressure on you whatsoever, just know that we are here whenever you feel like saying something.

Naj said...

Whatever you do, don't delete your blog please. Thank you and take care.

Nothing helps bipolars more than flattery given at the 'right' time :)

I will wait until then!

Stella said...

You know what? I agree with d.k.: that's an excellent sentiment. Just checking in. No pressure: I'll be here, too.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

Utah-I need you to stay. I've got a thin filament I'm gripping while I'm out here on this tightrope ... and you dear are one of the silvery strong threads that makes it possible for me to hold on.

Randal Graves said...

I can only speak to the creative part that waxes and wanes, but we're not going anywhere, so when you feel the need to say something, we'll be here to listen.

Beach Bum said...

The one thing that scares me most is losing the spark that feels creative in me. This is probably all an illusion, but it's my illusion, and thus, my reality.

That spark of yours is no illusion. Like Randal said it waxes and wanes but I've read more of Maggy than you might believe and that spark is real. I'm here to listen and you can always drop by my place and say whatever you want.