Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tell No One, Ask No Questions

I went to a complicated French thriller this afternoon with Nick. A film made of a novel by an American mystery/thriller writer whose name I can't remember. The movie's called "Tell No One." I went partly because I always enjoy my time with Nick and partly because UC kicked my ass about going out and having some fun. I'll leave the movie reviewing to K and J. Nick brought home-made fresh peach and blueberry torte for me. What a guy. My admiration grows.

I set my alarm yesterday so I could wake up around eight and call the cardiologist's office to make sure my appointment was at 1:00 with (new to me) Dr. Whatsisname at the usual place. They put me on hold for forty-five minutes. Then came back and told me Dr. Whatisisname was always in Green River on Mondays. There was no record of my appointment. It will take two and a half weeks to get in to see him. He's the hole in the heart specialist--Mr. Fix it. This means moving my followup with Dr Weiss, the Heart Rhythm Specialist. I am going to need an ablation. But the hole in my heart complicates the ablation some.

My Nurse Practitioner, who is the real center of the swirl of specialists, the one monitoring all my meds, and getting all the records together in one place where she can both oversee and explain the problems to me, was the last medical person I talked to before I crashed. I was in getting my clotting factor checked. I asked her what else the stress test and echocardiogram, and the test for the hole in the heart revealed about the rest of my heart. She told me that my valves don't close. My heart walls have "thickened" due to a life-time of high blood pressure medications. The valves are loose and flabby--thickened. I didn't ask, "Is this a problem? " I know it can't be good. I didn't ask, "Can this be fixed?" I don't want to hear the answer to that. I think my heart's broken. It doesn't help with the depression. But everybody's got problems and most don't whine about it all the damn time. This is something I'm going to have to work on.

While I was with Nick today I felt a bit as if we were minor, but interesting, characters in a complicated French thriller penned by an American mystery writer. It was a very neo-post- rationalist noire, glaring sun in an urban landscape, moment. I was smoking.

Now I listen to the talking heads tell us what we think and what we feel according to the polls. If they're right, we're fucked.

16 comments:

Beach Bum said...

But everybody's got problems and most don't whine about it all the damn time.

Don't worry about it, if we felt you were whining we would say. What the hell do you think blogging was invent for anyway?

Now I listen to the talking heads tell us what we think and what we feel according to the polls. If they're right, we're fucked.

Yeah, the light at the tunnel might be of an oncoming train. But right now its the only light we have.

Ingrid said...

I can understand your fatigue with it all. Hang in there one day at a time.. it's what I do myself. I go up and down in terms of anxiety and since the kids started school, I have a hard time falling asleep and wake up and feel as if I'm going to be 'scared' again. Part of me says dammit, not taking meds for this forget it. Part of me says..where's that stuff that makes me sleep at night? If I do that for a few days, it goes away. and yes, I do see someone to talk to. Anyhow..we all do have something, but not all of us have a hole in our heart..good for you to have gone out but don't let yourself get pushed if you really don't feel like it..
you're allowed!

hugs

Ingrid

Randal Graves said...

What BB said. Everyone is allowed to bitch and complain. At least until we're all rounded up. Or blown up. But just think how swanky we'll all be with that healthy radioactive glow.

Ghost Dansing said...

i like Tammy Wynette

Stella said...

Yes, what BB said. Besides, we're still here, aren't we? Feel what you need to feel, Utah: blog, what you need to blog.

If you always be you, you'll always be wonderful.

:L)

thepoetryman said...

AS for the polls...They're wrong. Meant as a way to sell more pharmaceuticals. More Coffee and cigarettes and candy and toys and useless shit so the need becomes even greater and the depression expands and our heads are showered with paying bills and mounting medical costs and gas prices and strife so we do not see what they are doing behind the shower curtain.

AS for you "whining"...No. It is not you...it is your heart.

Utah Savage said...

Ghost you bastard, you slipped in the one song that actually makes me spit-up a little in my mouth.

Thanks poetryman, I love permission to whine. And permission to blame it on something. Nothing quite so satisfying as having a good justification for all manner of personal bad behavior. I'm using my broken heart as a justification for not cleaning my house. I'm also claiming to be doing a science project on the growth of light brown fur on hard surfaces. How long can it get?

D.K. Raed said...

Re: Floppy valves .... make sure the docs give you the antibiotic speech .... you'll need them before any dental work.

The french movie date sounds fun! Don't listen to the polls. They are wrong & a self-fulfilling evil maneuver to manipulate the voters. If it works, shame on us! Watch CSpan coverage of DNC Thurs. Forget the newshead opinions.

Ghost Dansing said...

face it. compared to Tammy, we're all merely amateur whiners..... we can only observe in awe of the master.....

Soros' Proxy said...

Yes, Utah! The talking heads on teevee expect all of us to believe that whatever they can't show isn't real. They stand on what they presume to think is their corner on reality. They need to be bumped off the curb into the traffic in the streets where the rubber hits the road. The MSM doesn't like Obama because his words and voice reaches over them and around them, to the rest of us.

DCup said...

I'm so glad you got out. Thanks for the email update. I wasn't sure where to set my worry meter, but I'm dialing back based on this post!

Utah Savage said...

d.k. I'm taking your advise. The teeth are acting up again--always just before a weekend. Clotting factor is on the agenda for tomorrow.

Not to say there aren't some very nurturing going one here from the men in the group, but the women are the surrogate good mothers. Chicken soup and take it easy.

Soros, I always feel so honored when you deem to grace my site with your presence. I'm also in complete agreement.

Stella, Dcup, thanks for checking up on me. I do now see that I am mortal and perhaps not by my own hand. I plan to get my house in order. I have everything taken care of vis a vis what to do with the body--it goes to the university morgue to be used for whatever needs be. The house is in thrust to my closest friend and she is my executor. But I want Melea to get most of the property and house somehow. So legal work begins as soon as possible. Are there any books you'd like?

Dusty said...

You are not whining Utah.

Thank you sweet woman for giving us a heads up on how your doing and whats going on.

I think you have a lot of folks thinking about you, so we all appreciate the updates..hang in their sista..ok? ;)

Life ain't easy, but then...no one ever told me it would be. It's just fucking hard to keep dealing with the horseshit daily...I know this personally from the two plus years of fucking dancing around with the idiots at Workers Compensation.

linda said...

we are two of a kind (of sorts)... I hear every word and every breath between each syllable. I am not going to say much about hanging in with this crap, I've heard it and know how empty sounds...not much sounds clear if your brain goes underwater and down 123 feet into that cave with no end...kind of floats in and stays where the last viagra commercial got stashed.

I am glad I ran into you....I like savages and even better, I am one too.

xoxo

Rev. Willis said...

So where's the movie review? Hell, we are all depressed, it's why we drink when our health tells us we shouldn't... Why we go to movies, keep us away from ourselves for a couple hours...
Lacey and I saw Tell No One down in Irvine. Great movie! Had to pay attention closely, tho, to get all the clues. I couldn't figure out the U2/1998 password until checking on the web... Yes, the music was the clue, but not the full deal.
From Lacey: vastly entertaining, mind candy for those who tire of the usual insipid movie fare...

Utah Savage said...

Rev, give my best to Lacy. Glad you guys enjoyed it. I'm putting the book on my reading list. I was sure I was missing a lot of subtlety because I couldn't follow background conversations. Which added another layer of mysteriousness to the film. Remember what it was like coming out of a Bergman or Fellini film at the tower into a warm summer night? A bit surreal. Nick is such a great movie companion. God am I lucky. One really smart ultra literate man who can stand me. Who could ask for anything more?