Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Another Gem From My New York Friend

Hilarious account of your shopping exploits. I had to go to the local Fairway (aka embarrassment of riches emporium) a week ago today and aside from being joyfully teary all day my favorite anecdote is as follows:

I am doing the thorazine shuffle through the aisles with my fellow shoppers when I hear a boy ask his mother, "Why do we come all the way here to shop?", "Because," she says, "it's the only store that doesn't make me twitch." I crack up and she catches my eye, "See, she knows just what I mean." she tells her son. Oy.

Anyway - I see that you posted the Obama headline link. Oh how I love that. Makes me tear up still! But here is my current favorite.

Had to share it too.



Anonymous said...

I so get this. Resident Evil asked me to stop at Target to buy something for her on my way home from work. I tried to say no, but I've put it off too long and the purchase must be made. I hate shopping these days!

I don't exactly twitch, but I hold my breath, dive and then escape as quickly as possible.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

UTAH: I'm also neurotic and your having said you never agree with me has put me in a funk.

I'm almost determined now to ask you for your phone number and call to sweettalk and seduce just to prove I'm not all bad! LMJAO

Stella said...

I've only seen the small version: this one is awesome!


Utah Savage said...

Kelso's nuts, I've never seen you here before. I admire your comments on other's sites, and it's a bald faced lie to say I never agree with you. I almost always agree with at least one of the thirty or so points you make so eloquently in your long winded responses. I'm your female older you. Maybe not as hip or witty, but then at my age, who is? But long winded and opinionated? Hell yes!

And no one can deny your charm. I want to know a great deal more about you. So I will now try to track you down. Bye the way, what does LMJAO mean? Should I be insulted. Should I be laughing so hard I have a coughing fit and die at my computer, slumped over the keyboard. Kelso come back. Won't you entertain me? Have to admit, I have a weakness for the smart, snarky men. Especially if they're... Well here's how my taste runs in blog men. I first fell in love with Unconventional Convetionist, then Randal Graves, then it was the thrill of a visit from Fairlane whome I still love. While stalking Fairlane, I started an infatuation with Tengrain that turned to true love. Now that he's locked lips with Dcup, I don't imagine he'd even give me a second look. Though he is such a thoughtful and kind man, I'm sure he won't drop me from his blog roll.

Stella said...

Utah, are we commenting in synchonicity? Both our comments showed up at once...

LMJAO. Laughing my Jewish ass off?

Utah Savage said...

I just may choke and die laughing. Yes, we are doing the Ichat bloggly with Kelso and his nuts in the middle. Like that sandwich action Kelso?

Utah Savage said...

Oh I forgot my undying admiration for Ghost and Vigilante, and.... God, I'm kind of a slut.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Would love it! I'm an all-rounder. And Panama offers a panoply of additional players in the game.

I'm 47, but blessed with good genes. Look about 37. And I don't have to eat vegan or be a gym rate to maintain a normal physique. Just lucky. My family is extremely good-looking.

I write a lot because as a mover-of-money, I'm the black sheep. Father, mother and sister are all writers and editors. But they taught me how to write in English and Spanish when I was little. Well, my father. My mother's Spanish is not great, though she's got the actual Latino blood.

My father writes in English, Spanish, Russian and Yiddish. We speak English together. Spanish if it's a very serious topic. I don't have enough Russian or Yiddish to keep up.

Go to THE PITCHFORK site. Scroll down to my post "HEERRE'S JOHNNY!" and you'll see what I look like.

Stella got it right. Jewish ass.

I like sluts. I'm very typically Jewish in my eclectic and experimentally shameless tastes in fucking.

Unconventional Convetionalist is an hijoputa de mierda. Me cae malisimo. Vete al carajo huevo puto!

Randal Graves is the STONE COLD NUTS! He's the shit alright.

Fairlane and Tengrain are two of my heroes.

I'll be back to play.

Utah Savage said...

Kelso, did you just say something very nasty about UC. Shit man, he's nearly my first love. He played a song for me. The perfect song for me, on the right chapter of my novel, Maggy. Don't talk shit about my sweet gay sweetheart.

KELSO'S NUTS said...


I had him confused with the Progressive Traditionalist, who's the real fucking hostiado hijoputa.

I he's not y sea un brother nuestro gay, pue''s all good!

Anonymous said...

Utah - something tells me that Tengrain has plenty of lovin' to go around.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

And you all should be listening to Torrance, Lovebabz and my blogtalkradio show, RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO.

We've done two good shows and while our numbers are good, our White following is for shit! Tengrain and my parents!

Last week is archived at and

Don't listen tomorrow at 11pm if you're not into college and pro football. We're taking a small break from the intense politics and economics to do a football show tomorrow and a SEX show on Turkey Evening.

Randal Graves said...

Personne y parle français ? Quelle dommage ! You know, you'd think with both being romance languages and Cleveland having quite a few Spanish and bilingual billboards, I'd pick some of this up. I blame old age.

kelso, a sex show on Turkey Day? Why that would be better than a Dallas Cowboys loss!

Utah Savage said...

I'm all for the sex show on Turkey day. And about the Spanish thing, I do know a few very nasty words on several languages. I can't spell them myself, and all my romance languages are slightly both Italian with a gringo accent or some bizarre kind of Tourette's Syndrome. But I completely agree with the assessment that Progressive Traditionalist is a troll. And must be discouraged from commenting. God what a pretentious ass. I nearly pull my knife on him once at Scarlet's place. She had to separate us by force. I'd have slit the bastards throat given half the chance, cyberly speaking.

And I don't need to confess this failing here again, but the truth is I can't spell. And I have a weakness for cheetos. So watch it Frenchy.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Romance languages are very hard for Anglos to pronounce well unless you start speaking very young because the positioning of the mouth and lips for vowels and the tongue for consonants is completely different even though English itself is 1/2 Romance 1/2 Germanic.

If you have English and Italian, then Argentina is the South American country for you.

If you have French, then Chile is the country for you.

My accent in any kind of Spanish is pretty nice but my American accent is pure city-downtown.

It's a hard accent to get right for actors because it's not like the cliche Brooklyn or Queens or North Jersey accent though it's similar.

It's not as hard. Occasional pronunciation of "r" and "th's" as opposed to none. It's more nasal and has more Caribbean and Easern European rhythm as well as a touch of the South Jersey/Philly/Dead-Head tones.

It's also a hard accent to lose. The actors who can't shake that accent are Matthew Broderick and Ben Stiller.

anita said...

hmmm ... you've got me thinking here ... who is my blog crush? randal, definitely. i don't even care that he's a lazy man!! but that monocle, not so much ... sorry randal, i find monocles a little effete. but i still (blog)love you. not to worry.

hmmmm .... but then again, maybe fairlane should be my blog crush ... behind that angry facade, i sense, is a very kind man.

not to mention fredrick schwartz at the pitchfork. a very sexy man as well. and i like a guy who went to fordham and drove a cab and is now a fine, fine intellectual.

oh my ... i'm so confused.

maybe i'll just go blogcrushless for the moment. it's probably safer that way, non? particularly given my tendency towards severe mood swings: whoooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaupppandown.