Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I was in my mid thirties when Harvey Milk was killed. So this movie, for me is a bit like watching the Titanic. I know how it's going to end. Hope I haven't ruined it for you. Add to that the recent passage of Proposition 8 in California, and similar measures in other states, and I gotta tell you, we haven't come so very far, baby. We have a long way to go. And it is the religious right that is keeping us stuck. And to be depressed anyway, this reminder is really heartbreaking. I started crying the moment the movie started and I never stopped. There were several marvelous performances, and perhaps Josh Borlin's was the most heartbreakingly perfect. I always expect Shawn Penn to wow me, and he never disappoints, but Brolin is an actor like Tommy Lee Jones who never seems to be working that hard at acting, and so he may be overlooked for the big awards. Too bad we always want to give the prizes to actors like Daniel Day Lewis, who in my opinion never takes a part that doesn't require the over-the-top bravura performance. And god help the actor like George Clooney, who not only makes it look easy, but is too handsome to be taken as seriously as he deserves. Milk is a very good movie, but I'm a very depressed movie goer who dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, and went out because it's good for me, not because I really wanted to go out.

I love Nick. I love him more than any man I know. But depression makes me terrible company. I have already placed restrictions on our friendship--I won't go to parties, or out at night. I won't go anywhere there's likely to be a crowd. And now, I won't go out as long as I'm depressed. It's just too painful. Going out makes it all the more apparent that I shouldn't be out.

I can't write. I can't think. My fingers feel as if there are weights attached, and every other word has to be retyped. It's a small agony. And worst of all, it's the season to be jolly and generous--I can't seem to fake it anymore.

So, for now I will be posting stories and poetry. I promise that none of the stories or poetry I post will be as dark as that last story of mine. Promise. Hopefully, with even a bit of humor here and there. And one of my poems has the word penis in the first line, teehee. So don't give up in me.

I'm counting on the inauguration to cheer me up, bring me back to the world of the living and the joyous, or at least the hopeful. And just maybe letting myself off the hook for awhile will bring me back to the blog as a thinking, interested, interesting person again, assuming that I ever was. And who knows, maybe this break will make it possible for me to read again. I'm such a one trick pony.


kathleenmaher said...

I'm no expert, but as usual, I have a little suggestion that won't change anything but probably won't hurt:
You have every right to be depressed! It's the way you are. And when you're depressed, no one (including yourself) should expect you to be fun. Or witty, pretty, or gay. You're smart to set limits and smart to get out to see if someone or -thing can cheer you up. If they don't, they don't: no one's fault.

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Kathleen, I needed to hear that. It was never really okay to be me. I was always disappointing someone or pissing them off. Now it's time to stop. So it will be posting short "fiction" for awhile.

themom said...

I know we have just met,but I feel that when one recognizes their depression then it becomes conquerable. those who do not make that realization have a much harder road to hoe. kathleen is right, that you set limits and get out on your terms. I learned a long time ago, I'm not here to please everyone (like that is happening), so enjoy me as I am. Good luck.

Liberality said...

I'm not a good movie reviewer either so join the crowd!

Anonymous said...

I do believe every time we've seen the ad for Milk tonight, I've said to MathMan "hey, Utah went to see that today!"

"I know."

I think I did it twice. Maybe three times.

You'd better come rescue one of us before he bans me from being repetitive.

(You know I have to be forced out of the house sometimes, so I know what you mean by setting those conditions.)

D.K. Raed said...

I saw the previews for MILK & now I really want to see the movie. Sadly, it will probably not be playing at a theatre near me anytime soon.

You know there is never any reason to fake it on your own blog, regardless of the season. Maybe we should form an anti-xmas club. I'm not feeling very xmasy either, but it doesn't bother me in the least. But then, BAD SANTA is one of my holiday must-watch DVDs. I've only seen sweet xmas movies like It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street once. Once was enough.

Can't wait for your next story and/or poem!

Anonymous said...

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SaoirseDaily2 said...

I was living near San Francisco when that all took place. Terrible times. And you are so right, as always, we have a long way to go before all are equal.

Sending you good thoughtd today.

giggles said...

Visiting here via Politits...And I feel the way you do and will accept what Kathleen said... Time for you (and me) to come to terms with who you (we) are and time for everyone else to deal! I'm with ya, and feel your pain and am living it too! The world IS a better place because you are in it!

giggles said...

PS....You and Kathleen have really got me to thinkin' this morning.... Buddha says "Life is suffering...." I'm gonna believe that since we are aware of our suffering, we are almost as wise as Buddha! Yes?

simstone said...
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