Sunday, December 28, 2008

Part Two: I'm Now Going to Talk About the Big O After I (Finally) Got Rid of My Uterus

So, I was at war with my uterus. But life goes on even if you do spend two weeks every month PMSing like crazy and then spending one full week doubled over in agony, bleeding your guts out and hating everybody, cause they look at you sideways at just the wrong moment. Headaches, backaches, teeth grinding, nerves on edge all the damn time. Break through bleeding. I can't blame everthing on my uterus, I was after all married three times, and before and after and even during I had lovers, or so they they'd think they were.

But after the third ex-husband, I ended up, at thirty nine with the man I have referred to as first-love/last-love which I will shorten to FL/LL. He and I had the best of times and the worst of times, but most of the time he was a terrific lover. He was a bit of a show off in the love making department. Which sometimes annoyed me--a virtuoso performance is not always what you want. So the O's were big even when I still had my uterus. I prefer clitoral stimulation to bring me to orgasm without a lot of other stimulation to distract me from that singular pleasure. And it's also true that oral sex is not my favorite thing. Too much stimulation and I can't concentrate, can't turn off my mind. I have been able to orgasm with only two men in my entire life by just plain fucking. Old fashioned fucking. FL/LL was one of them, and the other's name I can't recall. It was a brief relationship shall we say. I sort of gave myself the best going away present when I left Santa Monica in late 1970. I had earlier that year terminated my one and only pregnancy for complicated reasons that will be apparent if you read my novel, Maggy. Suffice it to say, I had my reasons. Bad timing (it was one year pre Roe v Wade), wrong man, false positive VDRL, conceived on LSD--it was a pity fuck (I was on my way out the door) gone wrong. I never regretted the abortion. And so once healed, I gave myself the gift of the sexiest man around for a few days. There is such a thing as good chemistry, and the just right anatomical fit to bring forth a thundering liquefaction of a shuddering melting rippling sensation that starts deep and at the very end leaves the thighs wobbly. Uterine or vaginal? I can't tell. I don't know. Full body, yes. Anything other than old fashioned fucking not needed if everything else is going on for me. Did the man in question know what he was good at? Oh yeah. But that's out of, oh I don't know, maybe thirty men give or take... I have had men work so hard to bring me to orgasm, but I knew fairly early on, it wasn't going to happen. You can just tell these things. I could give all the instruction in the world and it wasn't going to happen. I might have loved the man for a day or two or a year or two, still, not so great the sex even with plenty of guidance.

So I'm living with FL/LL and start bleeding all the time. Once I passed day thirty in the long red flood, I went begging to my gynecologist to please, please remove the damed uterus. I was never ever ever going to have a baby. I heard no ticking of my biological clock. But I did have a breaking point with the bleeding problems and the PMS and the expense and mess, and after the last D&C which didn't stop the bleeding for more than a week, and the tests for hormone levels, which were inconclusive, I finally got the go ahead to take the damned uterus out.

The surgery was hardly a surgery at all. No scar as it was removed vaginally, and they took the cervix as well. I was told that cervical cancer is pretty risky, so why leave it if you don't need it. They did leave my ovaries in case they were still able to produce estrogen. They weren't, so I started having hot flashes fairly soon after the operation. I was put on low dose hormone replacement therapy. It immediately cured the hot flashes and has allowed me to miss almost all the worst of menopause, though I am now very post menopausal in terms of years.

The doctors orders post surgery was six weeks of no sex and taking it easy. I healed perfectly, scarless. And when next FL/LL and I had sex it was maybe the best we ever had, slow, gentle, languid. Abstinence had something to do with it. But also I felt happier more of the time, and no PMS. None. Fewer headaches, and better everything. Might have been all in my head, but I don't think so. I bloomed. I was freer in my sexual skin, more at home in my body. It not only worked as well as before, but somehow better. We had more fun in bed.

I have been asked the question if I felt uterine contractions during orgasm, and the honest to god answer is not really. I have felt pain from pounding penetration that was too deep and pushing on my uterus. I think the physiology of the orgasm for me involves my clitoris, vaginal walls, legs, and the full engagement of my mind. If I'm preoccupied, or overly tired, or worried about any little thing, it won't happen. So for this reason, I loved lazy morning sex best. Before the stress of the day had a chance to fill my head. I liked to take advantage of a morning hard-on.

I have had a three-some that involved a female friend of mine who had the hots for me. It made for great sex, but had terrible consequences for all three of us emotionally. I wanted to see if I was bisexual. Sadly, I'm not, really. But it was a thoughtless, careless way to find that out.

I have found that once you have sex with anyone it changes your relationship in a way that means you can't go back and pretend it didn't happen or that it meant nothing. I do believe that almost all sex has emotional consequences for at least one or the other of you if not both or all three.

I have never for an instant regretted the removal of my uterus, and see? No scar.

But I have had a friend or two who have had a hysterectomy because of some dire medical reason and once it was gone, they have claimed to feel less womanly, less feminine. That was not my experience. Quite the contrary. So you cannot generalize from my experience. Nor can you claim to know for sure how you would feel without a uterus if you still have a uterus. Any questions?


Gail said...

Hi Utah-
Ya, the big "O"- at the peak I swear I scream out God's name...... :-)

I SO appreciate your telling about yourself - it is quite freeing for me. This was quite erotic. I loved it.


Randal Graves said...

Certainly can't blame the uterus for everything. That's what Chimpy is for.

You all have such interesting/horrible/wonderful stories to tell.

Comrade Kevin said...

A few thoughts.

1. It's tough not to act a bit cocky if you're good at what you're doing. Apparently I'm an intuitively good lover---it was certainly nothing I learned--I think it has to do with being innately sensitive and empathetic.

2. Sex does change things, but I'm very good friends still with a lady with whom I was intimate. Perhaps because the understanding going in was that this was going to be sex for sex's sake and thus implied nothing in the way of a lasting relationship.

3. I still haven't figured out that whole bisexuality thing myself, but I did have one threesome which had similarly disastrous consequences.

cathouse teri said...

I agree. Almost all sex has emotional consequences.

And happy I would be to have my uterus removed. I just hate doctors. And surgery. I did have a tubal ligation years ago, which made me a very happy woman. But I only have two bad days a month, so I think I can forego the de-uterization for now.

Be well, my friend.

darkblack said...

It is always a sweet triumph to break through another wall that prevents self-actualization, and the freedom to be.
Liberation from the subjective issues of one's own plumbing came a little too late for me to enjoy in the bloom of my youth...However, that had little effect on my decadent ways at the time, so the regrets are minimized.


Mathman6293 said...

Wow, so much insight. I agree most sex has some emotional [even guilty masturbation]consequence. But the amazing thing about your story the similarities between you and my beloved.

Aphrodite said...

The uterus just doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

Great writing, UT.

Utah Savage said...

Aphrodite, you are one very lucky broad to have no issues with your uterus, but you are young yet. Keep me posted.

Anonymous said...

If I'm preoccupied, or overly tired, or worried about any little thing, it won't happen. So for this reason, I loved lazy morning sex best. Before the stress of the day had a chance to fill my head.

Dang. I could have written exactly that. I love morning sex for just that reason. Once the hamsters start running on their wheels in my brain, forget it.

Naj said...

I have a question actually ... how is your memory? I mean your memory acquisition. Did you feel a change, better or worse) cognitively?

Utah Savage said...

Naj, I would have to say it might have been better since I didn't spend so much time angry with PMS and backaches and feeling edgy so I was more open, clearer. But I think FL/LL liked a bit of drama and would do something to create a bit of a panic for me.

I had stated early on that I was through with being seen as a couple, half of a whole, expected to always do the same things with the same people. I wanted a man with a life of his own that didn't require my undivided attention. But he was a musician and always wanted me as part of the audience if not the only audience.

I told him often that I thought we could live happily as a couple if I had my own little studio with a kitchen area and my own bathroom and we live at one time on top of a mountain overlook Santa Barbara and the Channel Islands. The place had an outbuilding that could have easily been turned into a two level, three room apartment and still had room for a workshop below. A month after I left him, he had fixed it up and rented it to a gorgeous young woman who was a photography student at Brooks.

Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!


themom said...

Nope...had a total hysterectomy at 34 and haven't missed those organs since. Waking up to a hot flash was an interesting experience I must say. Of course there is no significant other to be bothered with - and admittedly not missed either.

kathleenmaher said...

I love it when you get down to brass tacks like this. Some people have told me the orgasm is all in the mind. And since, boredom, beautiful music or an insanely delicious taste of fruit can bring it on for me, obviously enough that people look away, embarrassed, I believe it.
My Italian phrase books offers these crucial questions:
Tell me, are you sexually straight?
" " gay?
" " bi-?
Are you unsure?
Does your interest depend upon the person, sex unimportant?
And, of course, wanna try it with me and see what happens?

Aphrodite said...

Oh, we've got issues, mine and me, and I'm supposed to schedule an endometrial, last month? Will do it after the first of the year. Wish me luck.

susan said...

Hot sex can do it and so can languid sex. Personally, orgasm is as much a mental phenomenon as a purely physical one and now that I'm so much older than I used to be my orgasms are surely different too.

Utah Savage said...

Well said, all you sexy woman.

Randal, Kevin, and Mathman, you are some very brave and interesting men. The women/men in your lives are lucky to have you.

Freida of the Bees said...

Utah- I have wondered about this uterine issue for a while now, with a mother and grandmother who both had hysterectomies after having cervical cancer, and I am so glad to learn more about it first hand, rather than from an impersonal medical perspective, particularly from you. You are so candid, so honest, and so articulate.

Naj said...

Utah, interesting and important point you raise, the stress of PMS ...

I have started to want a child!!!!