Saturday, January 3, 2009

Suzanne Horne, The Woman Known as Liquid Illusion


This is Suzanne Horne
I did not know Suzanne, but she gave me two awards. I didn't deserve them. She was so beautiful. Her site, Liquid Illusion, was stunningly gorgeous. It was sumptuous. Languid. Lovely. I could have been kinder, more generous, encouraging, but I did not know... And I think I should have.

I have been visiting her vacant, abandoned site obsessively this evening. I go back to look at her loveliness over and over. She was a poet, but I didn't comment often. I admired her, but I did not tell her enough. I know I couldn't have saved her, but I could have been kinder. I could have been generous with my words. She was a very talented photographer. She deserved more of life than this. She killed herself on Christmas Eve. A woman in her prime. Only forty two.

These are her words

Because:
If I have been a bad girl..........
It may well have depended on the situation at hand.
If I have acted out in a bad way......
I'm sure you know the conditions I was forced to act under.
If I was sneaky........
You'll know I had no choice in the matter.
(No rules in love and war, right?)
If I had bad thoughts dancing in my head.........
like really bad thoughts.....
you'll notice I didn't act upon those.
I just allowed them to dance for awhile.
If I was naughty.............
I was good at it.
No complaints.
Just requests for more.
If I seemed cruel and heartless...........
I just evened the score!
If you see me dressed somewhat like you on Christmas Eve.......
Please take no personal offense.
Consider it a "treat" for someone who has been REALLY good.
Oh, and if you saw me dip the cat's feet in red paint and toss her onto the trampoline.....
Well, you've got me there!
Love,
Liquid

These are the words of Suzanne Horne, Liquid Illusion

36 comments:

LeAnn said...

Oh Peggy! I am so sorry!

Utah Savage said...

Thank you for coming. I just wanted to honor her beauty, let her give voice to her pain. Now that we know its grip on her.

darkblack said...

Quite a talent. What a shame that she could not prevail over her demons.

SaoirseDaily2 said...

What a shame...I wish I could have known her. Artists sometimes have such tortured souls. I always want to know what happens tomorrow.

I hope she has found the peace and serenity she was seeking.

Dave said...

Hello! Found you through Dcup, and saw other familiar names on your comments. Spent some time enjoying very much, your posts.
Your voice is fantastic and content marvelous. Thanks.

David

Utah Savage said...

I'm ashamed to find I didn't know her well at all. I knew she was dancing in the dark, with her husband, and without him. I took it to be a difficult relationship, causing her much pain, the push pull of longing. She turned the pain into poetry, but sacrificed some power for beauty and form.

Dave thanks for the visit.

Mimi Lenox said...

I have seen this tragic news all over the blogosphere. I did not know her well, visiting her blog from time to time, but I wish I'd taken more time - as many of us do - to get to know her better and maybe offer a word of hope.
I am so very sorry.

May she rest in peace.

yellowdog granny said...

what a waste...I'm so sorry...Hopefully she's residing with the Goddess and her pain is gone...

susan said...

I don't know much but I do know you have nothing to blame yourself for. It's a sadness to hear such news but since I'm a believer in reincarnation I can only hope circumstances in her next life are better. Suicide could be described as an excess of thought choking itself.

Shannon H. said...

Such a beautiful lady. So very sad...may she rest in peace.

Freida of the Bees said...

Crap. I didn't know.

This is very sad.

74WIXYgrad said...

This week has been difficult. I got to know Suzanne. We would share some laughs and we got to know some of each others struggles.

I wrote several posts on my blog in the week between the week of Christmas and New Years in her memory. It will be a long time before we get over Liquid.

BBC said...

I didn't know her, or the reasons she did it, but it's a shame that she did that.

And those events are increasing, it's hard to say who might be next.

Gail said...

This is so tragic. I am sorry for your loss Utah -
Gail

Nan said...

Very sad news.

Ghost Dansing said...

you gave me the news Utah....... i'm in disbelief..... Suzanne

an average patriot said...

Utah
You are stunning and aluring! I just tried to join you on good read but it wanted my old yahoo info and I am no longer with AOL or have the same E!
Hon we can change info antime! I am not reading any books these days not even my own. All I do is try to keep up with this growing mess!
I am on a new civilian media site that is quite good. Border Explorer loves it! There is a cash incentive and at any rate it would be ideal for you and your style.
I started on Reddit today too at the advice of someone who likes my stuff and has taken it upon himself to promote it!
Anyway that worldwide civilian media site is allvoices

Mauigirl said...

Oh no, how terrible. I'm so sorry to hear it.

Beach Bum said...

I'm am so sorry. You never really know what troubles live in the heart of people.

Liberality said...

Utah you are not to blame. But yes, we should all be kinder to each other just because human beings deserve and need kindness.

linda said...

this is so sad...I am very sorry for your loss, peg.....suicide is very personal and you had no cause in it...you can rest peacefully in that and that she has found what she needed ...believe that...

D.K. Raed said...

very sad. RIP, L.I.

Utah Savage said...

We all give clues. Some of us make a career of showing the world our pain. The truth is it was so apparent that she was in pain. Her poetry was always an attempt to turn her pain into something beautiful. Even her timing was beautiful. Death of Christmas Eve. Her life was a gorgeous illusion. We chose our on-line names with some underlying logic. She left so many clues. And she was bipolar. Leading cause of death in the bipolar patient is suicide. we self medicate to deal with the pain. We give up eventually. We want to believe that we'll get better. There is no better. Unless it's a better drug. Incurable, progressive, genetic. If we have children we almost guarantee that we will pass it on. Three genetic markers for bipolar disorder. Only one for most genetic disorders or illnesses. All the old ones want to believe that they've got it licked. Dodged that bullet. Not so fast. Even I keep my emergency stash for the easy way out if it gets too bad. And I keep a straight edge razor at the side of my bed. There are so many ways to do it. But cancer won't kill me, or a heart attack, or a massive stroke. Suicide will kill me. Let me count the ways. The only question is when.

For the moment, I'm looking forward to publishing something. I'm looking forward to the Inauguration of Obama. Maybe another spring. I'm still curious. Still learning things.

giggles said...

Oh...no...I am so sorry and sad....this is just not fair....

Utah, be difficult...be in a bad mood...say fuck as much as you want.... cry for Liquid.... I believe that's better than the alternative.

Randal Graves said...

What a shame.

Jaliya said...

Utah ... I've just now gone to Suzanne's blog for the first time and read only the header ... and I'm weeping.

What beauty she revealed; what torment she masked ...

Bless her for being.

... Just over 14 years ago, on the Winter Solstice, a man who was both friend and colleague to me ended his life. The grief in suicide's wake is brutal ... Susan, you wrote, "Suicide could be described as an excess of thought choking itself." Yes ... and the bereavement from suicide nearly chokes the sanity out of those left behind. We just about tear ourselves to shreds with questions, the big two being WHY? and WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?

Why? ... We'll never know; the answer died with the person.

What could I have done? ... Nothing; absolutely nothing. Ultimately, nothing ... despite everything that I and everyone else had already done.

That's the hardest truth we'll ever have to learn. Sometimes, there is NOTHING we can do. It's a harrowing liberation to realize this.

Over the last few months, I have been readying myself (as it were, knowing that there is ultimately nothing I can do) for the moderate possibility that someone dear to me might choose to end his life. He's putting out increasingly desperate (yet off-putting) signals and I really don't know which way he'll move. I pump out the love to him and pray my soul into a sweat for him to be sparked back into his sweet, goofy self ... (Anyone who reads this: if you could add my loved one to your murmurs of prayer ... His name is Buddy ... *Thank you* xo)

Suicide's one of the ways that can jar us into waking up and LOVING ... doing our best to not waste a moment ...

Sorry for the long post ... but Utah, thank you so much for letting us know about this gorgeous soul whose gifts we can honour ...

Utah Savage said...

Jailya, that was a stunningly beautiful piece of writing. I can only say that sadly, you have no control over the soul in torment of someone you love. It's a very hard truth. Your comment is very moving. I hope you feel free to come back and comment often. We cannot change anyone but ourselves. We are helpless in the face of another's torment. We can't understand it or fathom it or change it. Sad, but true.

kathleenmaher said...

Oh, this is so terrible! A loss for those who knew her, and because she expressed herself with beauty and truth more permanent than her short life (and if the earth persists, more permanent than ours), a loss for those who know her only from her work. Or even just the poem you posted.

Lisa said...

I'm glad you wrote about this. I'm still stunned that Suzanne ended her life. Looking over her poetry, it's clear that she was tortured. Unfortunately, when I read her work before, I didn't know that she would act on her demons.

You are kind and generous and warm. I understand your guilt, but really, not even those who knew her best were able to save her, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Tengrain said...

I did not know of her blog until FriedaBee told me.

So much talent, such a shame. I hope she is free of whatever her torment was.

Regards,

Tengrain

rdl said...

I felt the same way - so unbelievable sad!

JHS. said...

Sandy Carlson of Writing in Faith received the Post of the Day Award for her discussion of Suzanne's untimely death. You can read about it here: http://www.therisingblogger.com/2009/01/03/writing-in-faith/

JHS
The Rising Blogger

Stella said...

Where have I been? How late I am to write I will miss her art, poetry, and dynamic creativity.

Right foot Left foot
Oh, the sound of pitter - pat.
Some paths lead me forward
And some leave me confused.
Destinations that have brought me joy
and journeys that left me feeling used.
I choose these streets and avenues
Whether skipping and whistling
or singing the blues.
This reminds me,
I need some new shoes!

And the picture I love so much: ice cube

Naj said...

I went to Liquid Illuzion for Art ... there was ALWAYS something stunning to squeeze the breath out of me ...
tonight i am bored
I have been suicidal all this weekend
no one understands how real the wish for death is in me; because I am such a cold and rational kind of a woman ... I act like an exemplary success ...

And when I am depressed, lonely, and confused I start going to my art-links ... Utah's my spiritual refuge, somehow ... and liquid Illuzion was were i went for pictures, colors and poems ...

I was shocked, for a second I thought this is all a web prank ...
but I envy her so much now
so so so much

And I envy you too Utah ... ofr having the tools AND the courage ... i have neither ...

Lisa said...

Naj - I was just at that point last week. Before you do anything, please talk to someone. Call or email or text. Just don't harm yourself. When you are at your lowest point, that is when you are least able to make such a final decision.

Please reach out to someone. I know I'm a stranger, but you can talk to me if you want.

Stella said...

I suppose I'm late to the party. Better late than never. I was reading everyone's posts on Suzanne Horne. I am from the same lifeless town that she was from. Since her death, I have had several people comment on my resemblance to her. I've been told our mannerisms and personality were similar, even. I just wanted to see for myself. I feel I missed out; that she would have been someone I would have been fortunate to experience. I look forward to getting to know her through her words and photographs!