Friday, February 13, 2009

Cal Speaks

Reflections on the Best & Worse date of my life

I thought this just may be the one. We had a 50 year history and our expectations were high. After many telephone conversations we really seemed to be on the same page. We were both adorned in rose colored glasses.

I failed the Audition.

No bucket assed kids here but full grown adults in our mid sixties. Surely by this stage in life we could finally just be ourselves.

I arrived at her home and met her at the gate. We hugged. She felt wonderful. I was in heaven. We talked and laughed with nary an awkward silence. I’m thinking things are going very well. This may actually work. I was so confident that I thought it was time to fish for a complement. WHOOPS!

It seems I have some shortcomings. ME SHORTCOMINGS? IMPOSSIBLE! I’m a fucking hunk! How can this be?

Let me count the ways.

I’m going bald so I decided to let my hair do what ever it wanted in it’s final days. Not making a statement of any sort. Silly Me thinking hair would no longer be an issue. 1961 had come and gone.

Clothes wrong color for my skin tone. Huh? Oh please.

Wrong clothes. Basically my entire adult life because of my work and because I loved fashion I was always a very stylish snappy dresser. I even went so far as to sport very expensive “Mod” suits in the sixties. Yes I was a slave to fashion. After I retired I broke free from fashion bondage and wore jeans to show off my very hot butt. Then I got into photography so I started wearing Cargo pants so I would always have my camera with me. I really thought no one would care, after all old folks are invisible. Silly me.

Pants too short. Guilty. But my penny pinching self thought spending money on new pants was folly in case this didn’t work out.

Posture. I must have had good posture as a military grunt. We all stood tall and were able tho march around all looking and standing just alike. Being one that zigged when others zagged the posture of Cheech & Chong had more appeal to me And I imagine the weight of sixty six years tend to beat you down.

She really is a wonderful person. I wanna tell her that I love her a lot but I gotta have a belly full of wine. I will always regret it didn’t work out for us.


Amos said...

Without chemistry nothing else matters

Randal Graves said...

This is why one should always wear black. That goes with everything including a receding hairline. I feel your pain, Cal. Fight the power. (Does this mean that you're the power, Utah? If so, can we have some loot?)

It didn't work out, but you crazy kids gave it a shot, and that's more than a lot of fuckers would have done.

Utah Savage said...

Randal, I think your advise is very good. I would add to the always wear black thing, always wear black that is the correct length for you legs. Even cargo pants can be the right length. And if you're meeting a woman you want to impress, it might be worth the money to buy a pair of pants that aren't too short--you can wear them after the date falls flat, so what is the loss?

Cal, you are not the first man I've met who was dealing with going bald by doing something awful with his hair--but what is always a mistake is to wear a comb over or a ponytail is ALWAYS a mistake.

Danny De Vito is a short fat man who is going very bald. Nothing he can do about any of those things, but he has a nice haircut for the hair he has left, he dresses well in clothes that fit, and what he lacks in height he makes up for in charm and humor. I do him in a heartbeat.

All you men out there, never, never fish for a compliment. If compliments are not coming your way you they are not likely to come your way if you fish for them. What you may get instead of compliments is the truth you do not want to hear. Or you may get compliments that are false. If the relationship proceeds at all more than likely it will not be terribly authentic. She may be needier than you and will tell you what she thinks you want to hear just to keep a man in her life, because she thinks she needs a man in her life to be OKay. So what you two will have is a couple of people who are settling for what they can get because they might think they can't get what they want. I say it's better to be alone then to live with a relationship that isn't based on honesty. But honesty should never be cruel unless it's your last resort--you have told the truth as nicely as possible and your date is not getting what you're saying with such subtlety. At this point it might be necessary to be blunt, as nicely as possible.

Liberality said...

Well I can't believe you two are living your emotional life so publicly for us to consume like a soap opera. I'm not being judgmental here, I'm saying I'd not have the nerve. I can report on stuff AFTER the fact, after I've processed it and have some emotional distance but you two are doing this in real time.

Gail said...

Hi there-

wow. well, maybe the eggplant parm would have helped. :-)
No, no,seriously, I had romantic high hopes on this re-union. The build up and anticipation seems to have far surpassed the event. :-(


Love Gail

Stella said...

Speaking of bald and sexy, Cal—I still have a crush on Patrick Stewart and Phil Collins. I agree with Liberality: you are both brave souls.

an average patriot said...


Linda-Sama said...

hey, sis....I've commented on the man who came back into my life 4 years ago who's known me for over 30 years....

I've finally decided that our relationship (and he wants to marry me or just live with me) is toxic. he's history. ain't got no time for nature is to be free.

Nan said...

If the chemistry was there Cal could have had the world's worst combover and a 1970s leisure suit and Utah wouldn't have noticed. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

Wee Mousie said...

Yul Brenner proved that bald can be sexy, but I do think it also depends upon the shape of the head.

If I went bald, for example, I'd be forced to wear a cap, and not just the baseball kind. I mean one with ear flaps and a chin strap.

sitenoise said...

Hmmm ... I'm gonna side with Cal on this one. Seems like there may have been some chemistry there, Utah didn't really mention it one way or the other, being too caught up in appearances (pretty shallow if you ask me! ;)

Cal, you're probably better off. Companionship seems unimportant to Utah at this point. She just wanted you for your body, typical female attitude. You don't mention what you thought of Utah's appearance. Tact? Unimportant?

The problem with your response, however, is that it betrays the timidity that Utah doesn't like. You should respond to HER, instead of her blog. She's got a built-in support system here. You should say "Listen up dumb fuck, fuck all your bullshit", the cursing will arouse her, and then tell her what *IS* important. She's not right, she's just got a few dozen friends in the room. It's intimidating, for sure, but let's see what you got. You say it didn't work out. Why? Because she said so? Fuck that. If she's not worth ditching the ponytail for, tell her.

That would be weird, huh? Maybe even gentlemanly. Eeewwwww!

Utah Savage said...

Sitenoise, great comment. I've little doubt about the I'm not worth it part. I'm not good at relationships with men. I have a history and I talk about it. I did want to get laid. That was my agenda. Call me shallow, but that's really what I wanted. And once I knew that was off the table for me, I had little interest in putting a meal on the table for Cal. I'm not saying I sabotaged that meal intentionally, but... Cal was the only wine drinker at the table. He didn't bring a bottle of wine. That seems somehow odd to me, but I did buy wine for him just in case.

Sitenoise, what do you think about fishing for compliments? And I'm not fishing for a compliment. I know what a nightmare I can be. But I did not try to hurt Cal.

I told Cal I thought writing about his experience of the evening might clarify for him how he felt. I think he ought to be relieved but writing might allow him to see that he really is relieved. He sent me his reaction in an Email and gave me "permission" to post it. Cal has a blog. He could have posted it at his place. I often write to understand how I feel. I think writing about my feelings is instructive for me, cathartic as well. If Cal wanted me to post this here I'm willing to give Cal the space to do it. I admire Cal's courage to do that. You're right, I do have a bunch of friends here who just might be horrified that I am living my real personal life out here on the world wide web. This whole episode might be so disturbing to some of my friends that they decide to unfriend me. Utah Savage behaving badly again.

I'm not terribly shy about telling you the ways I behave badly.

sitenoise said...

I don't think you've developed Cal enough, as a character in this story. We know what you think about him, and we know a little of what he thinks about what you think of him, but we don't know what he thinks about you. We know what you think is important in a fuck buddy, but we don't know what he thinks is important. We don't even know what he wants from you. Does he just want to get laid? Does he think you're fuckable? I dunno.

More character development please.

sitenoise said...

I get the impression from your character that you see Cal walk through the gate and greet you with "Well, whaddaya think?" From the point of view of his character, however, he appears to have had some experience of good times, with nary an awkward silence, before the alleged compliment grab. These conflicting impressions color the nature of the compliment grab. I've seen 'em do that in movies. Is that the structure you're employing here?

Utah Savage said...

I'll work on it.

Utah Savage said...

I'm betting Cal thinks I'm a bit bossy and probably more that a bit of a bitch. There is a great deal I haven't said. let's give Cal this line, "I like any kind of music that makes the musicians sweat." I said, "And ends in everyone shouting Yeehaaa." That was bitchy. I was over it by then and still had dinner to cook. I spent a small fortune on the meal, even though it was only "flank steak." Why didn't anyone call me on the suggestive sound of "flank steak?" Did I have to say I was "steaming muscles?" Would you all have then seen through this fiction? Should I have picked up a dozen fresh oysters? Would that have tipped you off?

Naj said...


Just wondering, if Cal wasn't so "sure of himself", would you have been as unattracted?

Just curious!

I hate men who think they are irresistible! I make a point of dumping them; or subjecting them to emotional torture!

But, reading Cal, I think it's his on-the-phone self-assuredness was also what "intrigued" Utah to imagine things that well were not true?

I commend you, cal and utah for letting us read this real-time Novel.

Utah Savage said...

I do believe this has value for me as a writer. We have characters who are truly mysterious. Not me. I'm an open book. But there are so many details that I have withheld. And this story could have gone so many different ways. I can certainly imagine what Cal thought of me. I know he thought I was bossy. I thought he was cheap. I don't really have to know, but there are a lot of clues. Email, phone calls. Again I am the phone call aggressor and he the Emailer. Or I'm making it all up as I go along. The working out of details of a fiction.

susan said...

If this is fiction you really should be published long since. There's nothing like finding something where you're no longer sure where the facts end and the truth begins.

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Susan.