Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm Shallow, So Shallow

I might be more like a man than I care to believe. I am shallow. I am visual. Let's leave it at that shall we?

And if meals could kill, and I know they can, we might be in for some serious trouble. I think the only thing that might save us is that the meal I cooked was so terrible, we only ate a bite or two, if that. I broiled a flank steak so bloody it was barely warm and yet oddly tough. I discovered that I do not have a carving knife sharp enough to slice butter, let alone a flank steak into the very thin slices necessary for tenderness. It is supposed to be a flavorful cut, though tough if over cooked. I did not overcook it, no I did not. Flavorful, I'm not so sure. I served it with runny horseradish mashed potatoes, and a thoroughly lack luster salad. A cheap red wine, and garlic bread. Thank god for the garlic bread. Oh well.

How about those bankers today? Anybody want to talk politics?

Let me just say this about phantasies--they are better left as phantasies. They have value as phantasies. Probably like dreams. My dreams made real would no doubt kill me. Turns out I'm awful. I'd rather flirt than follow through. I keep looking longingly at my computer. I worry about the news I'm missing. And I am terrifyingly honest when asked a question. If you might not really want to know what I have to say, best not ask me. I'll speak the truth. I hope I never meet anyone like me. I might be more like Maggy than I ever cared to believe. She passed along more than genes to me. I am horrible. I will very likely sleep alone the rest of my like. Oh well.

35 comments:

Dan Rosa said...

I'm sure you weren't that bad at the cooking, give yourself some credit. And anyway, you can write. That's more important!

Utah Savage said...

Thank you darling that's just what I needed to hear. Actually the fact that I chose flank steak made me think for a second that this was all in the service of my writing--it was a bit over the top did you think? See what an asshole I am.

The Crow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
susan said...

When we're not sure of our intentions or question our motivation, at an unconscious level we may deliberately make mistakes which we hope will take the decision away from our conscious process.

Human beings are very complicated and none more so than one who writes with honesty as the guiding principle.

Maybe next time you should go out to dinner?

Utah Savage said...

I really do think I have become very male in my old age. Now do I make the assumption that this shallowness is a bad thing and means that I think men are shallow about certain things and I am shallow about the same kind of things. If I'd not been so blunt in my shallowness, I don't think my cooking would have been quite so disastrous, as we'd been satisfying other appetites. I will now have to satisfy my carnal desires by flirting with Tengrain, as he understands me. I am horrible. Ten knows that and flirts anyway. I used to be a good cook (actually I typed the word cock there and corrected it). Freudian? I'm thinking so.

Mauigirl said...

Flank steak can be tricky...don't blame yourself.

It sounds as if things didn't work out? But don't assume it's you - when things work as they're supposed to, they work. If not, they don't. But the important thing is you tried, you reached out. And that counts! And maybe it didn't go as badly as you think...

PENolan said...

Anticipation and disappointment.
Dang.
Over the top? Of course you were: You're a Bipolar Texan Gemini. It's part of your charm.

But imagine if you'd have made the eggplant and it had given him instantaneous, major league farts. That happens to some people, you know.

Next time I enable you, we're smoking weed.

themom said...

Cooking disasters are what make for good and funny conversations. Once I had a meal "going" so horribly wrong, I just continued to screw it all up (knowing we were destined to dine out) for shits and giggles. And yes, I'm so glad you can write. I look forward to the next chapter.

MRMacrum said...

Hmm. More like a man, shallow? Seems to me shallowness is an equal gender character trait. From the words I have read of yours, shallow was not the first impression I came up with. You might hate yourself for some of the things you do or have done, but at least you have seriously thought about them. Shallow people do not generally involve themselves in serious introspection. I say you are full of bullshit today.

As to your cooking, hey, so it goes.

sitenoise said...

The poetic license going on here is infuriating.

Amos said...

Que Sera Sera. Shit happens.

darkblack said...

Next time, order out.

;>)

Randal Graves said...

Everyone is shallow to some degree.

And before you slag your cooking, knowing how hard you are on yourself, I'd prefer an unbiased opinion.

Utah Savage said...

I know it isn't fair to call myself shallow and then say my shallowness makes me like a man. This is insulting to all men who have never been shallow. So for all you guys out there who have met someone online lets say, and even if you sexhanged photos (I mean exchanged) when she walks in the restaurant fifty pounds heavier than she claimed she is in her profile, don't you feel punked? And isn't her extra fifty pounds just an appearance thing? She might be smart, funny, charming, etc. But you just can't get past the fifty pounds.

Cal did not lie to me about his baldness and his pony tail. He just didn't mention it. I didn't imagine it. He did mention his facial hair when we were talking on the phone, and I'm quite sure I mentioned how I am not a fan of facial hair unless it was used of necessity to hide some disfiguring acne scars or the absence of chin. In cal's case his face is fine--nice strong features, lovely skin, what was showing of it). Cal has a very nice smile. But he has bad posture, and he is balding and has a longish scraggly yellow-grey thin ponytail. This is a show stopper for me. I feel the same way about comb overs. Baldness is one of those facts of life for a man that is quite telling--how he handles this says much about the man. If he tries to hide his baldness with a comb over or compensate by hanging on to a foot of thin gray hair by wearing it in a ponytail I can't help but want to give him an image make over or avert my eyes. There is nothing wrong with the way Cal looks that a good hair cut and a close shave wouldn't help. Like I said, he has a nice face.

So, right off he asks me if he lives up to my fantasy of him, and I, being the truth telling bitch I am, say "well, not exactly." This answer was not what he was expecting, but his ponytail was not what I was expecting, so I guess that makes us even. Asking a question like that is kind of a give away. It's like asking a woman after sex, "Was it good for you?" More than likely if you ask that question, you already know the answer and it isn't what you want her to say.

And in my defense, let me say I spent my life working in an industry where most of the time you are just an object and people talk about the way you look as if you were an object. I used to do make- up and stylist work, and when working with male models or actors, the person in charge of having all the talent look the way they wanted would say to me, "he looks okay, but I hate the hair, do this and this and this..." I know how to fix a simple thing like an unfortunate hair choice. But very few people are willing to change anything about themselves to please you. "Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me how to wear my hair?"

I think I hurt his feelings right off. And that made him fear me a bit. And truth be told, I call myself savage for a reason. I lived a lifetime of lies, I just don't have time to waste living any more lies. Ask me a question about the way you look and I'm likely to tell you my truth--I'm not saying my truth is THE truth. But he was asking for my impression of his appearance, so...
And even if we fixed the appearance thing, which would be simple, still there would never be any chemistry between us. He's a very nice man. He's still a very sweet man.

sitenoise said...

Well ... this upsets me a lot, because of my personal world view. Do you want me to tell you why?

Amos said...

Posture is a deal breaker.

Utah Savage said...

Sitenoise, of course I want you to tell me you personal world view. I'm sure we all do.

sitenoise said...

Honesty is a comb over, pride in it, a ponytail, and self-effacing remarks are facial hair.

Utah Savage said...

Well, like I said, I'm shallow. It's hard to face this fact, since I have never before thought of myself as shallow. If Cal were willing I could turn him into a very handsome man. But I'd still be shallow and possibly a shitty cook.

sitenoise said...

Shallow is so not the issue. People can drown in a bath tub, and some chick just tried to tell us she swam the Atlantic Ocean.

Often, a drowning person's response to their rescuer is to punch and fight them. Without the context that seems like unkind behavior. Forgive my poetic license.

Utah Savage said...

Dear Sitenoise, your poetic license was very good. I agree with you. I think appearance means nothing, but I now have to call BS on myself. Appearances do indeed matter to me. I'm a bit sad to discover this. And you know I do believe you really are a poet.

sitenoise said...

It's a little off topic, but I think including 'appearance is important' in a measure of one's depth is a massively huge monolith of bullshit. Who started that, anyway?

So, for the sake of exercise, let's remove it from the equation. Now what do things look like?

Utah Savage said...

He is sweet but timid. I'm a steamroller. I'm afraid I'd be tempted to roll right over him. I can't say why exactly, but I will think about it, and get back to you. I'm attracted to confidence... More later. I'm thinking.

darkblack said...

'He is sweet but timid. I'm a steamroller.'

If you know this, and he knows that...Then merge in the middle. You both certainly can't relive a youthful past in bodies trapped as prisoners of time.
What you do have is the present, and potentially a shared future if you both wish it. To obtain that, however, requires compromise.

I live with people who are unable to compromise with each other, and am astounded daily by the stupid, thoughtless decisions and cheap rationales for habitually destructive behavior that are offered by them, adult and child alike.

Were I to compare myself in this situation to anyone, perhaps it would be to Cal - pliant, wanting to please and desiring those in my surroundings to be happy.
However, that civilized veneer covers a very dark jungle indeed, with tripwires aplenty and predatory shadows stalking the unwary.
In this respect I may be more like you as you have described yourself.

IMO, One can have both compromise and confidence within oneself.
It can have many faces, a bold lioness or a sweet cherub. Moving beyond the superficial and discarding preconceptions may allow a glimpse of it.

Beach Bum said...

As far as cooking is concerned I've never screwed up Hamburger Helper of fish sticks, but I've come damn close. Wouldn't try flank steak if my life depended on it.

Staying away from politics, maybe forever. Repubs make me want to puke.

My dreams made real would no doubt kill me.

If my dreams came true My wife would really divorce me.

Tengrain said...

Pshaw, Utah!

Shallowness is so underated...

The thing is, you know yourself quite well. You know that "marketing department ponytail" is a turn-off. It is a turn-off to everyone, by the way.

You know that it isn't worth trying to save the photoshoot when the models have no spark. You know that you have to recast. We are both former models, we know this. We also know it is no reflection on the talent.

So, Utah, it is not being shallow, it is being realistic.

And trust me, there is no greater turn-on for most men than a confident woman who knows who she is, who knows what she wants, and who goes out and gets it.

Regards,

Tengrain

(full head of thick hair, by the way)

Utah Savage said...

Tengrain, well dressed too, I'm betting.

PENolan said...

The appearance debate is, to my mind, irrelevant because the External is an expression of the Internal.

When we come across a character in a story or movie, his/her appearance gives us clues about who that person is in Reality. The same is true in real life. An individual can carry him/herself with dignity and pride no matter how oppressive his/her experiences.
Clothing may cost $5 at a thrift store or $5000 at Bergdorf's; a hair cut $15 at Super Cuts or $250 at a stylist. An individual makes choices based on something within.

Of course you're disappointed that there will be no romance between you and Cal, but don't call yourself shallow because you are observant and insightful. You didn't say he was a schmuck who should be burned at the stake - you fucked up the steak and didn't feel like fucking him for reasons that you are only just beginning to understand and articulate.

I may be a newbie on the SavageTrain, but I'm betting the reasons run a little deeper than a scraggly ponytail. If you hadn't had him over for dinner, you would have wondered about him for who knows how long. And there may still be developments to this story.

Utah Savage said...

PENolan thank you for that comment. It is incredibly insightful and thoughtful. And right on the money. My wonderful internets guru and blog mate Sitenoise and I were having a voice to voice conversation when your comment appeared. And we both said, Wow! That is exactly right. Smart woman. Thank you. And because I don't want to either misrepresent myself or treat Cal with a lack of respect or admiration and kindness, because he is a smart, nice, sweet man I need to write more about this. I have been called out for a bit of dishonesty here. I have misrepresented myself as shallow as if shallow is so totally a bad thing when one is thinking sex. Food for thought and another chapter.

giggles said...

As I'm reading all of these comments, the descriptive word that keeps screaming in my head is "CHEMISTRY." You're calling yourself shallow for the lack of chemistry..... It is what it is...or isn't.... And the love/sex thing? Chemistry is important, maybe even necessary! (They call them pheromones....)

Not fair to either you or Cal to beat each other up for animal instincts or appearance or whatever (or, again, lack thereof...)

Your disappointment seems very real.... There was a huge build-up to the event! But maybe, just maybe, you have a new friend...not that there's anything wrong with that!

Utah Savage said...

To give Cal his props, he is still talking to me, still reading, still hanging in there so yes, Giggles, I may have a friend, and Cal, if he wants it, might have an highly skilled, well trained, experienced and free image consultant if he so desires.

pidomon said...

flank steak is tough.reading through all the lines here (at least the ones I can see)is you both had know idea of what to make of the expectations you harbored.

I for one am still firmly in the Savage/Cal camp.

There is something there.

These things take time, trials and errors

darkblack said...

'...might have an highly skilled, well trained, experienced and free image consultant if he so desires.'

Rulers of men have conquered nations for less.

;>)

Comrade Kevin said...

You're not that bad! Give yourself some credit!

Life and Times of a Wandering Dude said...

As far as supposedly shallow, definitely self incriminating asshole goes.

I love you.

That is all....