Saturday, March 14, 2009

And You Thought You Knew Everything About Me

I think farts are hilarious. And the reaction of humans and their farting behavior is also hilarious. I have female friends who have been married serially and once for a real long time who claim to have never let one rip in front of the hubby. I think that's insane. But in doing an informal and not quite scientific study have found an alarming number of women who just don't get the humor of retaliatory farting.

I'm also a fan of the fart machine. Especially the fart machine with a remote control.


My longtime and recurring Ex and I used to take the fart machine to the Symphony. I would slip it in my elegant Armani pants pocket and he would use the remote control. You might think this sexist--giving him all the power, but I beg to disagree. The farter is always the one with the real power. The one with the remote just gives the farter the power at the moment of maximum discomfort for the people around the farter, thus bestowing great comedic power on the farter. Innocence feigned is best in situations like that. The elegantly dressed female farter going round the nosh table at intermission in the important peoples room, the big contributors room at intermission of the symphony is one of my favorite comedic moments. I lean in next to a women who is more than likeley wearing magic underwear and has her Temple Recommend in good order and Tom hits the button on the remote control and out comes a two or three tone blast of a sound that is none other than a fart. I slit my eyes at the matron in the gold lame and quickly look away and her face turns scarlet. My eyes are watering with suppressed laughter. I put two fingers to my nose and pinch it gently. I roll my watering eyes at the man behind me as I slit my eyes toward the unfortunate matron ahead of me. He smiles involuntarily. And I leave the table with a couple of cookies on a napkin to take to Tom.

We sit for a second and laugh decorously. A man sits next to me after we regain our composure and Tom gives the remote control two hits of the button. One long bleating fart and then a very loud single note blast. Tom and I move two seats away from the man and then we lean out to look at him. He turns his head away in shame. And so it goes. I do one trip completely around the table farting gayly every time I reach for something. I stuff my face and giggle as I fart my way around the table. I'm amazed no one ever had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me. Then the bell rings and intermission is over. I am doubled over with laughter as we take our seats for the second act.

I have so many heinous stories of farting this will have to become a series. Tom once smacked me for farting most foul in the bed. He started it, so my retaliation seemed quite reasonable to me. I did not cotton to the double standard. His smacking me hard on the ass for a particularly silent and stinky fart was such a grievous breaking of the rules of fair play that it resulted in my leaving him. Oh yes. There are rules of fair play when it comes to farting.

44 comments:

Beach Bum said...

A woman who farts? Now that is the girl of my dreams.

What about burps? I've taught my daughter to burp loudly and she took my lessons to heart. She now will let one fly in all manner of public locations.

Utah Savage said...

I can belch with the best of them. Glad you approve.

sunshine said...

As my sister in law says.."There's nothing like a good fart!"

At our house (with the 4 kids!) someone is always being accused of letting one go. A lively game of "who done it".. begins. :)

We're big fans of the "Whoopie cushion".

Loved your fart machine story. I laughed out loud at the thought of you farting as you made your way round the table.

((Hugs)) Laura

The Crow said...

My favorite childhood song is about farting. I've taught it to every kid I baby sat, to all my nieces and nephews, to my child and grandchild...so on and so on.

Just as I reached the stage in my life that I no longer tried to squeeze them back up the way they came, I also reached the stage where, as Jack Nicholson said in Bucket List, I can "Never trust a fart."

Sigh...the good days are gone, I fear. Of course, there is always your machine, US. :D)

Dr. Monkey said...

I have a whole new respect for you now.

Lisa said...

I laughed all the way through this. You tell a great story, you know. MathMan kept looking at me wondering what I was up to, so I told him that you'd written a post about a fart machine. He responded "Oh, she wrote about Garbo?"

You see, Garbo can fire off the loudest, longest, most dastardly farts of anyone in the family. She is the gas queen. She saves them up all day at school and comes home and blasts away. I can't believe such a tiny girl can make such a loud, trumpeting sound. But there it is.

We've raised out baby well, don't you think?

Utah Savage said...

I have a whole new respect for Garbo. I hope she keeps the nick name and the ability to blithely blast away. Boys will respect her for this prowess.

Lulu Maude said...

I feel sorry for women who won't fart in front of their spouses.

Farting is a form of intimacy.

Utah Savage said...

Lulu, That's what Tom said, until I nearly killed him with my gaseousness. Then he smacked me hard enough to hurt. So I left him. He could dish it out, but he couldn't take it like a man.

Amos said...

Wow ain't Savage sumthin?

an average patriot said...

Man, I don't know what to say!

MRMacrum said...

My darling significant other
Farts better than my brother
She's always so polite
Which seems so very trite
Seeking my forgiveness
My understanding
As I writher in pain from the stinko she just laid.

Utah Savage said...

MRMacrum is that a poem of your own creation. Is the the voice of your own experience? Either way it's perfect.

D.K. Raed said...

there are definite family fart rules! One is to own up (no blaming the dog)! Another is to alert the significant other! We have a code words in public. "Hot One" means leave the area immediately and don't look behind you. We were once being shown a home by a very nice realtor lady who was busy exposing a particularly interesting feature in a small laundry room when the hub elbowed me & mouthed "hot one". We both ran out of the house, leaving one bewildered woman behind, wondering how that laundry feature (some kind of chute from upstairs) could've smelled so bad.

Gail said...

Hey Utah :-)

This is the best. I laugh so hard at any fart noises including my own. One lil story.

Once we were sitting on our couch and I farted and it sounded like a creaking chair. The couch has individual recliners, so my husband looks over thinking it was the recliner creaking and he says, "Honey, I think we need to oil that"!!! :-)

We laughed so hard and still do over that scenario.Thanks SO much for this post.
Love Gail
peace.....

MRMacrum said...

Yes, it was.

What we have in our house is a 3rd world country trying to fend off the illegal use of Geneva banned weapons of crass destruction used by a super power. I feel so oppressed. It's tough thing for a man to admit his wife can blow him out of his sox. I mean farting well is a manly gift. And mine just do not stack up.

What's worse, my daughter can belch loud enough to move your hair from ten feet away.

Utah Savage said...

I would fit right in with the women in your family.

Mauigirl said...

Hilarious! My DH and I are not shy when it comes to the farts. We have contests.

I can't imagine how a woman could be married and never fart in front of her husband. It must be a very uncomfortable situation!

PENolan said...

In my divorce days, I ate pinto beans and black eyed peas and gassed my husband with toxic fumes all night. Heavenly.

I love the episode with the matron in lame.

fudgelady said...

OK, this is definitely one to share in the morning with my 16-year-old and my hubby. It will be much appreciated! :-)

(These are the guys who think culture is the "flatulent in 3 languages" commercial.)

sitenoise said...

This doesn't surprise me at all. I'm just sayin' ... if you take it to mean anything more than that you will be a liar. And you know it!

That's just about farting. Shame on you for the rest of it.

Utah Savage said...

Sitenoise, do you mean the symphony?

Katie Schwartz said...

I love to fart, too! I am so happy you posted this. Taking a fart machine to the symphony is so brilliant, I can't stand it. I would have loved to see their faces.

I farted so much when I was a baby, my parents nicknamed me "Tunes".

To this day, I still love farting. I prefer loud rippling dry farts without the shtunk.

Liberality said...

Okay, I am going to have to be different here and confide with some shame, although I don't know why that is, that I don't fart around my hubby or he me. We want to have sex with each other and NOT turn each other off and that is just one step we do to make sure we don't sour on each other. It's not that we have NEVER farted--sometimes mistakes happen but it happens very, very rarely.

OTOH, when my tummy is upset I burp quite a bit.

Madam Z said...

This post and the comments are absolutely astounding to me! I have ALWAYS been morbidly fearful of farting in front of ANY other human being. Of course, being human, noxious fumes have been expelled, against my will, from time to time. This always resulted in such profound embarrassment that I can still recall the events, years later.

Now I feel a sense of liberation, reading these stories of women not only admitting they fart, but actually REVELLING in the telling. I may have to go out and buy a whoopie cushion!

Madam Z said...

This probably isn't the place to say this, but I want to THANK YOU for posting that excerpt from Joan Walsh's column. I had not heard about the Michael Steele tragedy. I detest Limbaugh and it is frightening to be reminded of how much power he has.

Kulkuri said...

Years ago I had a fart calender. You would look up the day of the month to determine what kind of fart you were.

Utah Savage said...

Kulkuri, once again the fart makes me laugh. I think the fart is intrinsically funny. I tend to like scatological humor.

themom said...

I firmly believe "better out than in." I would imagine, if everyone was honest - they all have some funny fart stories. I certainly know I do - and some were intentional.

sitenoise said...

yeah, sorta seems like Bush politics, ya know, fuck other people as long as I'm having fun.

Utah Savage said...

Well yes, you are right. I do disdain the Mormon matrons whose banker, real estate developer husband give a big donation to the symphony and she gets to pig out at the rich donor's table in the fancy room just off the back stage area. Yes, I am a kind of snob. Yes, I am a bit of a religious bigot. Yes, I admit my bias. And yes, I don't like very much of the classical fare they play each season. Having been cajoled into going, I misbehave. This is classic passive/aggressive behavior. I'm guilty of it sometimes. Especially in Tom's company. I don't know why exactly, but I will examine that some.

Utah Savage said...

Now that I don't go out anymore, It's less of a problem.

sitenoise said...

That's cool, might as well celebrate it publicly. Everything is political ... except some stuff.

Utah Savage said...

No my snobbery and dislike of the rich is definitely political.

sitenoise said...

As long as you dislike the people you disrespect, it's all good.

Utah Savage said...

No, I'm bad. Sometimes I'm horribly bad. Ask Cal. I'm not very nice. I hate almost everybody. The politics of my dislike is complex, but I'm willing to examine my irrational seeming dislike of the rich, who are ALMOST always republican. I make exceptions. I like Bill Maher and he's rich. I've never met him, and he might be a colossal asshole on a personal level. But if I passed him in an airport I would either smile at him, or ignore him completely. I wouldn't try to gas him as we passed On the other hand, if I passed Turdblossom in an airport I would try very hard to really dis him with my worst fart possible.

sitenoise said...

If you would open your heart and accept Jesus Christ as your saviour a whole world of goodness, and being good, would open up for you. Not my cup of tea, but it might work for you.

Utah Savage said...

Philip, that was my first big guffaw of the day. Thanks, I needed that.

sitenoise said...

That's where I was headed. Glad we made it!

Utah Savage said...

Oh you sexy beast you.

Vigilante said...

Three decades ago, I thought I heard some one on the radio (Dr Demento? George Carlin? Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) ruminate about what if all farts were visible as well as audible and olfactory. He opined that a whole new cosmetic industry would erupt to provide consumers with that unique color of steam which would best express their personality, complement their attire, or signal their passing mood. It was a fantastic discussion. I just wish I could remember who to credit.

Utah Savage said...

Vigilante, my magic farts lured you over here. What ever it takes.

cconz said...

i have had sO much fun with fart machines. I work at a hospital and have had many gut wrenching laughs over the fart machine.

Utah Savage said...

cconz, welcome to my world, and thanks for the comment. I think a fart machine is perfect for a hospital. Especially the remote controlled kind.

Please comeback and comment again.