Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Where The Hell Did This Fat Come From?

I eat two meals a day and I'm not a snacker unless it's after midnight and I can't get the chocolate out of my mind. But even then I only let myself have two squares of the Special Dark, or the Breyer's all natural chocolate ice cream. I like an ice cream cone once in awhile, but not every night. I eat brunch which usually consists of cantaloupe and toast or whole grain unsweetened Cheerios and frozen blue berries with 2% organic milk. I might have a banana sometime in the afternoon, or I might have nothing. And then a modest meal around eight or nine. I do drink a lot of very milky espresso with a tablespoon of sugar. Two big mugs full. I drink very good tea that I order from Special Teas and I either drink it sweet and iced or milky and hot. I'm trying to force myself to drink more water, but I watched Frontline last night and now I'm afraid of tap water and any water that's in plastic is full of PCBs. Where was the plastic made and how toxic is it? And how much more money can I spend on water for Christ's sake? So I take it straight from the tap. I guess I could make it more palatable if I squeezed some lemon in it, but I can't afford lemons. I'm complaining about water to avoid something. I'm avoiding the fat. Can you tell? Still, you should be very nervous about your water supply.

This long and harsh Winter and long slow wet Spring have kept me inside. I have turned into the Venus of Willendorf over night, or so it seems to me. There have been weeks I haven't bothered to look in a mirror because it's just too painful. So my eyes slide past without ever focusing on the blur that is my rather large moving form. I was outside yesterday cleaning the gazebo and had my camera with me. Walking to the tool shed I looked down to take the two steps down from the porch to the deck and saw my Wellingtons, and then my shadow. I turned and twisted trying to get the light just right to slim the figure in shadow and could never quite find the woman I once knew.

28 comments:

La Belette Rouge said...

Everyone knows that shadows appear larger than we actually are. I see no fat. I see the shadow of a woman with depth, beauty,enormous insight, talent and generosity. Fat, I do not see.

susan said...

That is not the shadow of the Venus of Willendorf.. not even close. Belette is correct in her appraisal and you should never argue with She-weasel about such matters. If there is softness where there was once angularity that can only be good.

Utah Savage said...

Easy for you two to say. Did I not mention that I twisted and turned to try to make that shadow appear slimmer? I did model you know. I do know how to angle the fat this way or that way. But I appreciate the kind words. My gut is actually hanging over the waist of my pants. I can barely stand to wear a bra since all my bras are too small, and I'm already wearing a Dcup. Do you hear that Dcup?

La Belette Rouge said...

Since when is a Dcup a bad thing?Go get yourself a new bra. Do not make your girls suffer. And, Susan is right, don't argue with She-weasels about this. We weasels and crows know beauty when we see it.

Utah Savage said...

Yes, dear.

Mauigirl said...

I share this affliction. In the winter I semi-hibernate and it does cause the pounds to mount up! But as the others say, beauty is inside!

I had the same experience earlier this winter when I realized my bras didn't fit. Had to go to a bigger size and cup!

PENolan said...

Girl,
I know about avoiding The Awful Truth in the mirror and about watching your arm flab swing when you're unloading the dishwasher and how that somehow negates the "depth, beauty, enormous insight, talent, and generosity," thing. Like the only word you notice is Enormous.

I can only commiserate because, you know, we have that similar upbringing which revolved around The John Robert Powers Way to Teenage Beauty, Charm and Popularity (Prentice-Hall, 1962). It's hard because even when we konw we're being irrationally critical about ourselves because of superficial, societal BS - we still look in the mirror and think, "ugh!"

You might be able to blame your meds, though. If there have been any changes that can cause weight gain - not to mention the sluggish metabolism that accomanies all that sickness you've had this winter. Plus, Sophia Loren put on a few as she got older and everyone still sighs at her beauty. I imagine they still sigh about yours, too.

PENolan said...

ps: the good news about being broke and not being able to afford new T-shirts is that they get stretched out and don't cling to that fat roll. Also those Triple Ds you're sporting now will ALWAYS get more attention than your waist line or the "meno-pot". Get a bra that properly supports those tits right away before it screws up your posture.

We all know what you said about Cal and his posture ;)

dguzman said...

Oh Utah--I know just how you feel. Sometimes I can still feel that 110-lb. woman under all this chubbiness, but sometimes I think she's gone forever. Still, we're the same great women on the inside, and that's really what counts.

The Crow said...

You have been selected (again) for the Honest Weblog award.

Amos said...

When my man boobs are still moving AFTER I have brushed my teeth I know it's diet time.

Beach Bum said...

Missed the Frontline show but on the NPR radio show "Living on Earth" I heard a report that a doctor has tracked a rise in birth defects with pesticides in the water in farming country. Its at my site now.

Randal Graves said...

It's post-winter, everyone gains some weight except those exercise weirdo types.

sunshine said...

Over the past year, I've put on a good 30 pounds. Okay.. not good.
I actually just blogged about something similar to all of this today.
I'm going to be 40 this year and I feel like I'm 140!
I saw myself in some pictures taken at my son and daughters birthday party a few weeks back.
Let's just say I was horrified!

I wish my shadow was as skinny as YOUR shadow. :(
((Hugs))
Laura

Utah Savage said...

Interesting that you should mention Cal. He emailed me and said he has a chain saw and will travel. This is a very tempting offer. I need a man with a chainsaw willing to come over here and clear some small trees out. Too many big trees for the smaller ones to do well.

But here's the thing... Cal now looks better than I do. I'm now a fat old bag. This should make me humble, but it just pisses me off. And for those of you suggesting I get a new bra, where but Nordstroms and Victoria Secret can a girl get some help with the bra fitting? And their bras are expensive. I also need spanx from my shoulders to my thighs. Thats a lot of area to get squeezed in.

Or I could go for total self acceptance and let the girls hang free and unencumbered. I could pose naked right here. I bet you'd all run screaming from the room.

themom said...

You are too funny. It seems to me like I gained these extra inches "overnight". I wish I could lose them in the same manner. I truly want a face lift....that starts pulling up at the ankles.

Comrade Kevin said...

Frontline'll make you afraid of anything. I had to stop watching it for that reason.

yellowdog granny said...

being a diabetic i have to eat regular and more often than i would like to ..i've lost 65 lbs..i had to quit my little 20 hour a week job and since then have gained 5 of it back..feck...
i still walk like im 25..very fast, swinging my arms..i'll wake up in the am, look in the mirror and think ...........'who the fuck is that old fat lady' and every morning she answers back'you asshole'...

PENolan said...

Maybe we should all pose naked for Utah's blog . . .

Utah Savage said...

Dear TheMom, first lose the weight you want because losing weight from the face changes the wonders a facelift can do. Never get a face lift before losing the weight. It's just counter productive. Un less your going to have things liposuctioned first. If I had money, I get my middle section suctioned.

Utah Savage said...

PENolan you are a cheeky monkey to suggest that. We'd make a date to do it and then I'd be the only one to follow through. Ack!

Suzan said...

One word:

yoga

Works for me and the stretching makes you feel like new every day.

Love you,

S

P.S. And don't tell me you don't have time. I'll talk you through the first session.

Utah Savage said...

Susan, I have nothing but time. What I don't have is discipline or the inclination. I have free weights. I have my old exercise routine etched into my brain and a lot of stretching for that. But I have no inclination to use those weights, or stretch, or crunch or leg lift or squeeze the gluts and relax. I used to do kegals everywhere, but I'm a tight little package that is never going to open again. And to make this all so much worse, I have a world class yoga teacher, book writer four houses north on my block.

When I lived in Santa Barbara I went to a yoga class after work three times a week. I almost always fell asleep toward the end. I liked the relaxation part of it. But now I'm so relaxed I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat unless it's prime time news viewing.

But you all give very good advise. Mainly it seems I should get a new bra and start some sort of exercise or stop bitching about it. Is that it?

Steve Emery said...

This is just another indignity of the passage of time. In mind I feel BETTER than I did in my twenties, but physically... well. What IS that between my sagging pectorals and my belt? I don't recognize that flesh. Did someone lose this and I picked it up by accident? Would they come back and claim it, please?

I have to admit I laughed when I saw your reference to the Venus. I'm with the ladies here - you don't remotely resemble that statuette - but what struck me was that you knew that reference for the comparison, and it summed up in just a few words your wit and your "brain the size of a planet," as Douglas Adams put it. I wonder what the sculptor would think of how many people know her or his work? What an incredible link with ourselves from a distant and forgotten past.

And that's how much of my own past feels - like it needs archeology to rediscover. As usual, your post has made my mind wander into interesting places.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

well ... 1. you ain't fat. and 2. you ain't an old bag. and 3. if you want to lose a little weight, stop eating at 8:00 at night...

your current regime sounds like mine when I lived in the states ... only on top of it I had a high stress job. since coming to France I've lost about 50 pounds and I didn't do anything terribly drastic OTHER than change the timing of when I eat. same smallish breakfast (coffee, croissant or toast) a big lunch (wine, entree, main course, dessert or cheese, coffee) with no holds barred and a small dinner around 7 (soup or yogurt) unless I'm going out with friends. and I get much more physical activity, helping with reno, gardening, and yoga.

okay. this was not the direction I meant my comment to go. don't get pissed off. I've seen head to toe pics of you and you are NOT fat. Maybe you have some unrealistic expectation of yourself remaining that stick thin model you were as a young girl. you are not a stick insect. you are a gorgeous, juicy woman of the world with humour, experience, with and savvy to spare.

Utah Savage said...

Njnnr, that's it, I'm going to change the way I eat and color my hair. Just the usual color, but still, it's something I can do to make myself feel better. I might get more physical as the spring winds into full gear, but I know I won't do yoga. I have tried over and over to get into it and it never took.

Lisa said...

I think I should do what NJNRR suggests. I lost weight in France, too, doing just that same thing plus I walked everywhere. I could do most of that and add the elliptical and say goodbye to my amphetamines. Well, maybe I won't go that crazy, but you know what I mean.

And ahem. DCups? Ahem. That's all I'll say on that.

It's all relative, isn't it? I look at myself on those videos and CRINGE. A lot.

Utah Savage said...

Let's all go on the JNNR Diet. And as the weather get's better I'll be more active or not. See I take baby steps. I'm trying to only eat meat once or twice a week. Lot's more fiber and beans and rice and stuff like that. I wish I were eating French Food!