Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Salt Lake

My tolerance level has reached rock bottom. Tomorrow is my 65th birthday, a birthday I consider something of a milestone. But I have never felt less like celebrating anything. Ba Humbug! Birthdays are for children. A month or so ago I thought I wanted to have a party and made the mistake of saying so in front of a couple of friends. They got all excited about it. And as they wanted to start planning a party, I started to want to ignore it. I started remembering myself last time I had a birthday party, locked in my upstairs office overlooking the backyard and pissed off. Yes, you heard it, pissed off big time. Oh I had my reasons, but still, it was my party even if one of my guests brought a very bad "Crossover CW" band. The only band member I really knew besides her was her first ex husband, the one she married when she was in her late teens. I'd gone to high school with the prick and he'd never changed, only gotten a bit more preachy and more pompous. And for a boy who'd called himself a "musician" as a teenager, he'd only gotten worse. I do not like music that calls for a "YEEHAW!" after every tune. And if an instrument requires an electrical chord to be played, my feeling is it ought not be played in a residential neighborhood or anywhere in my earshot for that matter. I prefer the acoustic instruments. They can be played quietly. The minute people I didn't know started showing up at my party, I left the back yard and retired to my little suite of rooms upstairs in the big house, overlooking the patio. Not only could they not see me, I didn't want them to see me. I was seething. If I'd had anyplace else to go, I'd have left home entirely. I don't like half the people I know. I sure as hell have no desire to feed and entertain strangers even if I might like them under other circumstances.

Only now the only person I've always loved, even when I was mad at her, is right in the middle of a medical catastrophe. And no one can do much more than run an errand now and then. It's bad for her throat to talk. But she can email me. She saw the pulmonary oncologist at Huntsman yesterday. Today they're doing a brain scan. Then next week a PET scan. She'd just as soon forego all the tests because she feels she's being tortured, and she doesn't believe in Western Medicine at all. And since her daughter was here I've been paralyzed.

The past month has rained almost everyday off and on and most nights all night. As the thunder storms roll down from the mountains it's cold at night. This time of year I'm usually starting to fuss over the high temperatures. Our current day time highs would usually be our night time temperatures. It's been in the very low 50s at night. Yea, I'm glad I don't have to fix the swamp cooler yet, but once it first warmed up I put away the blankets. Now I'm having to get them out again. It feels like Portland. I wouldn't be complaining about this weather if it were Portland. At least I haven't had to spend a fortune on water to keep the trees alive yet.

And the dogs aren't liking going out in the rain. Especially Mawley. She will shit on the front porch rather than have a drop of rain land on her. So I have had to clean wet shit off the navy rag rug on the front porch. Today Mawley got picked up at 8:10 by the House-call Vet. She gets her hysterectomy done today along with her nails, her teeth, her anal glands, and an i d chip implanted. Yesterday I discovered a spot in the greenhouse room where Mawley has been ducking out for a quick pee just out of my sight. When I found the pool of pee, it was under the greenhouse glass, which made me think I had a leak. So I spent half an hour trying to find the place the water was getting in only to discover that it was a pool of Mawley pee. Oh she may be cute, but she's not that cute.

And throughout the past month I haven't got my whole place really clean. Not once. Oh I've cleaned the bathroom and had good intentions to tackle the rest, but... Other things got in the way. I change my bed on a regular schedule and do the laundry, but I hate vacuuming worse than even floor scrubbing on my hands and knees. Which I must do today. And here I am still writing nothing much of interest unless you just like hearing old women bitch and moan.

I may skip tomorrow altogether. I know I haven't been very consistent about visiting as it is, but I'm now telling you I won't be visiting at all until I put my house in order.


AirmanMom said...

Sorry to hear of your funk. Prayers are lifted for your friend...
You do have lots going on.
Stay Strong.

Cat said...

It has been my experience that when my home is in order I have a better chance at dealing with the crap that is being thrown at me, or dodging it anyway...on that note I should go do my laundry and clean my bathroom...

Let me say, since you are not going to be online - Happy 65th birthday - it is a milestone, regardless if you chose to celebrate it or not.

Amos said...

LOL Great story. Kin that Gal write er whut? Yee Hah

Happy Birthday kid.

PENolan said...

I knew it had to be your birthday soon.
Happy Birthday, Gemini.
We bitch and moan about things like Mawley pee and scrub the house with a toothbrush so we don't fall the fuck apart about the real stuff.

Let me add, dear, that you're a knock out with the wisdom to stop feeding people who annoy you. Yeehaw.

The Peach Tart said...

Happy Birthday. Maybe this is the year to do a reflective day. Journal. Maybe treat yourself in some way whether it's a special meal, a long warm bath, an afternoon immersed in a book.

Beach Bum said...

And throughout the past month I haven't got my whole place really clean. Not once.

Maybe as a birthday present I should send my wife over who loves to mess things up so she can clean and reorganize whole rooms as something fun to do.

Wait a minute....maybe its best I keep my incubus safely contained.

D.K. Raed said...

65?!?! No way! You have obviously got the greatest genes!

You don't know how much I long to come rescue you from your b-day ordeal. I will actually be in "the area" but am being forced to spend the time at a reunion of some of my hub's childhood friends. I expect to be miserable. Sigh ... I would even clean your house, dog doo & all, if it would free me from this reunion. And now you say it's gonna be cold, so there goes my planned capri pants outfit.

Steve said...

i feel i must say Happy Birthday because decorum requires it!

(and because I want to)

I'll be sending good thoughts to you and your friend. It is a tough journey (both birthdays and illness of loved ones)

Utah Savage said...

Thank you all for coming to my pity party.

Utah Savage said...

In case you're interested, I now have a raging dental abscess into the bone below two teeth that are connected to a bridge. The two supporting teeth are now in failure and will have to come out. They are my only three remaining molars on that side. No more lower chewing surface. And oh god the pain. My dentist is off till monday and I called the office too late to get anyone in. So tomorrow I'll be looking for an emergency dentist to prescribe an antibiotic so the teeth can come out early in the week. It doesn't get much meaner than this. And oddly I feel as if I deserve it.

Gail said...

Hi Utah
No one deserves infected molars. No one.
It is a mean turn of events, for sure. WTF?
I want to wish you a "Happy Birthday" and so I am, softly and from behind a wall. :-) eehaw!

Love to you

Suzan said...

We're with you, honey. Know it!

And I cannot believe how the world has unloaded on you in overdrive.

You deserve so much better - and it's your birthday - the only day when most people actually think they might get something of a break.

Much love and hopes for a better future going out from NC!


And no one can do much more than run an errand now and then.

Fran said...

It's your Un-birthday & you can bitch if you want to!
Oh I wish Mawley would get her housebroken act together. Like you said all that (literal) crap is a drag.
Maybe you can tune in to her potty cycles & put her out when she's likely to take a dump.

Of course it is upsetting to the core when a friend is in that kind of health crisis scenario. Maybe have some quality chat online- you picking up her spirits will have the residual effect of picking up your own spirits too.

Put on some music YOU love, do something sweet for yourself.... get a delicious smoothie or your favorite treat & coast on a little happiness for a while. Even if it is just a mini break from the stress & angst of it all.

It beats the alternative- having birthdays, ya know.
Go have a whiff of a glorious rose & know the great cosmos has a reason you need to be here.
Cheer's m'dear...... to life!

Fran said...

Oh1 I just read your toothache comment...... well damn it to hell.

Even of your regular dentist can;t see you, they can Rx a painkiller & antibiotics. Give 'em a call.

Poor baby!

Randal Graves said...

Birthdays are for children.

Preach it. Just another day.

Wait. Have the party, but make it that everyone's present has to be to help with cleaning of houses, in all its permutations.

sunshine said...

Just thought I'd slink in and wish you a very "Happy Birthday". From the pictures you've posted I never would have guessed 65.
So sorry to hear that your teeth are bugging you! I hate going to the dentist but, it's a necessary evil I'm afraid. Hopefully you can get something soon and take the pain away.
Here's hoping that your day went better than expected. :)

La Belette Rouge said...

Birthdays can bring with them all kinds of mixed feelings. Add to that turning 65( for me any suffix of 0 or 5) has another level of significance in our culture. Further still your dear friend's illness and dealing with your house and your teeth and your dog and....

That said, I am glad you were born and it is a day worthy of celebration even if you don't feel like it:
1) eat something you live
2) drink something you love
3) get a massage
4) let people celebrate you
5) have cake
6) know that you are loved.

I hope with all my heart that this is the year for dreams come true. xoxo

Blueberry said...

Well crap, wishing you a Happy Birthday anyway, and hoping you can at least kill the pain.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late, but that is the norm for me. Forgive me. I hope you had a very happy day and made some memories you can treasure; always.
Remember, after the rain the sun always shines; even if he is a bloody long time coming!

Tengrain said...

Happy Birthday, Utah!

The playwrite Charles MacAurthur once gave his bride (some noboday named Helen Hayes) a bowl full of peanuts and told her he wished that they were emeralds. Later when he was successful, he gave her a bowl full of emeralds and told her he wished that they were peanuts.

Here's to wishing that you get whatever your heart desires, even if it is only peanuts.



Freida Bee, MD said...

One of my favorite things to do is listen to old ladiez bitch and moan. In fact, I would enjoy an audio tract of it. A podcast?

Your sun is nearly conjunct my moon, a clear indicator that we're soul mates. So, instead of wishing you a happy birthday, I'll wish you a lousy one, knowing full-well in your contrariness, you'll do the blasted opposite of anything I suggest.

I didn't even know it was your birthday when I was eating cornbread for breakfast and thinking of you. It was homemade and chunky with corn, red peppers, cumin, chili powder, and parsley, warmed up and slathered with butter. Uh-oh, I'm getting all hot and bothered, now.

susan said...

In spite of it all, Happy Birthday Peggy.

Utah Savage said...

Thank you all, and yes, Freida, it's been the worst birthday I've ever had. Marley is leaking stink. It's the worst, I keep cleaning her up and she just keeps seeping baby crap. Pale yellow it is. Probably what the peanut butter I coat her pills with. I've spent at least $30 on wipes and liners, and tasty morsels to tempt her to eat. She whimpers and then I cry and we are a mess. I got my house fairly clean and then I brought Marley into it and now I'm going to have to wipe everything with clorox wipes, baby wipes, spic n span, spaying fabrize and wondering if my nose will ever be able to smell anything good again. Oh god, it's awful.

And my friend left Huntsman Cancer Institute and drove out of town to find an old oncologist who likes the alternative modalities for curing cancer. So I have cried plenty today. Nothing so pathetic is an old woman crying about things she can do nothing about.

Anonymous said...

"If I'd had anyplace else to go, I'd have left home entirely. I don't like half the people I know. I sure as hell have no desire to feed and entertain strangers even if I might like them under other circumstances."

Oh honey, can I relate. I hope you have a happy bday tomorrow, spent in whatever way YOU want to...xo Lass

Liberality said...

I've not been coming over to read you like I oughta, sorry about that. If your friend is going to die I hope those around her will let her go with dignity and compassion.

Happy birthday!

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Fran said...

Hope you are having a better time of it....

pain killers for your teeth

dog tummy back in sync

friend finding care that is sound

feeling better all around!

Take a garden rose from me & savor a whiff.
Roses still bloom, even when life is anything but rosey.......

Utah Savage said...

I got no sleep last night. Marley was allergic to the rimadyl for pain. It was what was giving her diarrhea. Every hour I had to take her into the bathroom in her carry case, clean her and the carry case--shit all over.

I was so distressed I've forgotten to take my meds, so I too am completely fucked up. I need to sleep so much. So exhausted. So worried. And it's one lightning and thunder storm after another which terrifies Cyrus. We are all going a bit crazy together. It is the deluge here. So odd in this high mountain desert. I'm beginning to think I might need flood insurance. The outdoors reeks of mold. And I am allergic to mold.

Mauigirl said...

Hope your birthday was better than anticipated. Happy birthday anyway! I am like you, I don't really like celebrating my birthday either.

Comrade Kevin said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Utah!

themom said...

Of course, this is the first place I come, after returning from vacation. I'm sorry I missed your birthday day to wish you a GREAT ONE! But now it's over and on to the next chapter. Hell, it's only another day, as I say. I'm glad you are keeping apprised of your friend's condition/treatments and such. As for house cleaning...I'd rather have a heart transplant. Do what you must, I will be sorting through all the vacay pictures today (and a wee tad of cleaning), in order to bog about the trip. Have a great day friend!

enigma4ever said...

oh happy birthday dear sorry about all that is being thrown your way by the universe....many many hugs...