I have a very close friend who has been near & dear to my heart since the first grade. She is from a large family of 12 kids. The extended family has had a series of deaths. She said to me, you try to pick the best Doctors, hospitals, make the right choices, but in the end, a greater power makes the choices of how things end up. You do your best to be supportive & help make good choices. Who's to know if this would have happened even if she had rested quietly that day?
At some point, you have to give it up to whatever powers of life that are greater than us.
Your plan was probably wiser, but we don't know if the joy she got from watching that toddler full of life and toddler chaos was something she embraced.
Somehow you have to find peace with the way things are. Even if they suck, and the pain & suffering are more than you can bear.
I hope this makes sense. It is meant to help you heal and wrap your head around the way things are right now.
Sometimes we have to breathe deep & get through it. Kind thoughts to you.
I attended a World Beat Festival yesterday. Celebrating worldwide cultures..... So many cultures celebrate death, as a part of one's life.
I heard a great song that said death set the soul free. "Don't worry about me, I am free" If you think of it in this way, passing is a kind of sweet relief from whatever pain & suffering a person was burdened with.
I say this in a very respectful way. Trying to give you another perspective to see all this in.
Fran, thank you for that wisdom. Intellectually I know all this. I would make the choice to go, to let death take me, but I am outraged that death would take my best friend first. Why her and not me? I have lived my whole life as if death were my very best lover, I have courted death in every way. I have tried in a very active way to die, only to wake up with a headache and a sour stomach.
Z has lived her life as if life were sacred and everything that she eats and drinks is holy and sacred and meant to keep her body the temple of her soul.
I have thought my soul was killed off fifty years ago and only the rotting carcass left walking, talking, hiding out like a criminal.