Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm Slipping Down the Rabbit Hole

There have been things going on with me I'm barely aware of. But yesterday when I had to get up at 7:30 AM (a reasonable hour to most of you, but the middle of the night for me} and forego coffee to have an ultrasound of my liver and spleen it hit me that my low platelet count is a potentially serious problem.

A big storm is blowing in and I've been running around putting cushions and dog beds, rugs and baskets and garden tools in the shed. I still need to pick pears, cut my Pucchinis or Zumpkins, toss the vine. I have to pick a few more plums, put the ladder away, bag the debris and toss it in the garbage.

I grocery shopped earlier today and now need to reorganize my cupboards, clean the fridge. Anything to keep from thinking. I've cancelled scheduled dental work because I don't know how I'll afford it now that this diagnostic process goes forward. What looms on the near horizon is a bone marrow test. I've just had a couple of routine tests that are considered preventive and will be paid by Medicare which might be of interest in the search for solving the low platelet mystery. But none of the possibilities (and there are many) sound good to me.

I called my therapist to let him know that this morning it was clear to me I'm teetering on the abyss that is depression. I had no desire to get up today. I might have slept till noon or later, if Nick hadn't called and told me he was coming over in a half hour to pick plums. He's offered to be my medical trustee, to be he one with power of attorney to make sure my wishes are honored.

Ms M is talking about moving. This afternoon she's looking at a job as the maintenance person for an apartment building. There would be housing, but she has big Roscoe, a yellow lab who has spent most of his life here with a pack of dogs and a permanent baby sitter. He'll miss us and we'll miss him. And she won't have benefits. I hope she doesn't do this, but a landmark birthday looms and she's lived here a long time. Boredom is driving her now. Maybe a bit of fear as well.

I have no apatite for twitter now. I'm starting to look inward again. There's work to do. I am half way through a difficult rewrite on the novel. It is becoming a complex jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces are here, what is missing is a frame to hold them in tight frightening suspension. I need to finish, give it my best shot and then move on. When you think you see the end looming you want to tidy up all the lose ends finding that one tiny missing piece.

Then again, when it's cold and raining hard, I may feel smug, snug and peachy. You never know.

13 comments:

Gail said...

JI UTAH-

So I am gathering that you have not heard any results from your ultrasound. I hate the waiting, Hate it. No, really, I HATE WAITING.

I wish I could say something insightful or even remotely helpful. All I got is "I understand".

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Gail, it is the waiting that can drive you crazy. My mind tends to go to the worst possible diagnosis, but there are a host of lesser options. Nothing great to have but less dire.

I'm so impressed that you get out every day and make rounds. I tend to want to suck my thumb and sleep.

BBC said...

I don't go to doctors, screw that, there is freedom in death, I go camping.

I don't take any meds, I drink beer and enjoy nature. Hell, I'll likely out live those that worry about dying and go to doctors.

They're dropping like flies around me, I lost two more friends last week.

It's just me but I'd rather die in a campground than in a hospital. But at the rate I'm steaming along I'll likely lose my drivers license before I die.

Then I'll just go camping one more time and consider it a good life lived.

MRMacrum said...

I hate that period of time that exists between "We will have to send you up for an ultrasound and a biopsy of your liver" and the final word when the results come in. I can feel your pain. Been there several times and done that. Hang in Utah. And don't stay in bed.

The Peach Tart said...

I hope all your tests turn out negative.

sunshine said...

I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. Waiting...
Waiting sucks sometimes.
I wish I was closer so I could give you a big hug for real..
This will have to do I suppose...
(((BIGHUGS))))
Laura

Randal Graves said...

Think of that missing piece being your version of Dan Brown hackery, and have a sticker on the cover stating as much. Find the mystery! Guaranteed sales!

Comrade Kevin said...

I hope all turns out for the best. I know what it's like to spiral down towards depression and not have any firm answers from anywhere.

Utah Savage said...

My therapist called this afternoon and i have an appointment tomorrow to meet with both therapist and psychiatrist.

femail doc said...

Yuck, sorry about limbo. I strive every day to circumvent that no-woman's-land between test and results. I'd almost rather not pursue a personal diagnosis than endure that wait.

sunshine said...

Just popping in to let you know that you're in my thoughts today.
((Hugs))
Laura

Mauigirl said...

Hope all is OK.Sometimes low platelets are an idiopathic thing - no discernable cause. Hope all is well, will be sending positive thoughts.

themom said...

I'm still thinking about you and hoping you find some good news soon. Please take care of yourself.