Sunday, December 27, 2009

In Memory of Suzanne Horn, Liquid Illusion

Suzanne was a blogger who wrote lovely poetry and was a photographer with an incredible eye.  She was beautiful.  She had children.  She was bipolar, and like so many of us, had a hard time dealing with Christmas.  She killed herself Christmas Eve last year.  It was about this time last year I found out about Suzanne's death, so it's now I think about her, like a lovely melody I can't quite name, or a line of poetry I can't quite place.  I will always think of her during the holidays, and like many of you, I'll always wonder if there was something I could have said or done that could have kept her with us.

8 comments:

quin browne said...

i think those of us with the disorder would tell you truthfully (something i know you know)...no, there is nothing.

when you reach that point, you welcome the peace. no one can keep you from reaching that place.

sunshine said...

I suppose you will always wonder. That's human nature.
It's hard to imagine wanting to die when we feel okay. I guess like Quin above me said though.. when you reach that point no one can stop you.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

((Hugs))
Laura

Fran said...

I think there can be a juncture, where you feel like throwing in the towel on life.... everything gone wrong, or a cloud of hopelessness takes over, but there is always that juncture where you can stop & think... I want to stick around for this person, or place I've yet to see, or even just more sunsets, or sunrises.
Tomorrow is another day. Life is change.

I just had my ins guy lecture me on "counting my blessings".... who the fuck is he to tell me this... when all he needed was the make, model, VIN # & miles on the used car we are buying to replace one that was totaled by 2 idiots who rear ended our car on the freeway.

I want to say it was a damned rough year, and yes, I know things could have been worse (that is always true), but I'm not willing or able to gloss it over. It really was a shitty year, & I want to honestly call it what is was.... not
make it into something it was not.
6 months of unemployment, grandpa doing chemo, then breaking a hip, the car accident, kidney stone & a car A/C breaking down in 106 degree weather & the college kid coming home for winter break sick as a dog w flu, all sucked the big one.
I'm not going to call that list "blessings", and I'm not wallowing in self pity, I'm just saying all that stuff sucked. It was a sucky year.

Now I'm ready, more than ever to ring in the new year & hope for better times.

Suicide leaves an aftermath of 3 things....
great sorrow
great loss
friends & loved ones wondering if there was anything they could have said or done to prevent it.

Utah Savage said...

Your comments made me cry. They are so smart and compassionate and you have such wisdom and strength. Suzanne had written a christmas eve poem with clues in it. She had seen her children, young children, then there was some ongoing grief and unmet need in a relationship with a man. And then she was gone.

Fran, thank you for sharing that list of hard things you've had to endure this past year. It has been really rough for many of us. I've been luckier than many in that I own a house with no mortgage. But I don't take in enough money to be able to borrow against the house. In order to survive I have to rent the house. And I'm minus a tennant this past month. Death of my closest friend struck so fast and hard, I'm still not through dealing with that loss. But I am more hopeful than I've been in ages. The book is coming together in a new way and I'm nearing completion. I still have to finish a couple of chapters, and then I have to get serious about trying to market it. Challenges and hope. I think Suzanne lost hope. I've been so close to that place so many times. But here I am, still struggling. Sometimes that's a good thing.

Fran Langum / Blue Gal said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. My extended family has experienced similar tragedy and there really are no words. Those who live in our memory are with us no matter what.

Utah Savage said...

Fran,Blue Gal, so nice to see you here. I've become a bit of a twitter addict and see you there. Thanks for your comforting words.

MRMacrum said...

It may be because I am a guy. Or just because I am stupidily stubborn. But I never admitted to having a problem with depression until the last couple of years. It might have been because I was able to deal with the infrequent and up until recently brief occurences.

Long way around to say I have never sought help for my problem. I do not even know how to pigeonhole it. But depression it is. That is for sure. And let me say it does not get easier with age. Not in my case anyway.

I have avoided commenting on others' battles with it because reading about what others are going through seems to drive my own pain in deeper. There is small comfort knowing I am not alone in this battle. But it is not a battle it would seem others can wage for me. I have to do it myself.

Anyway - a very nice tribute to someone I never knew but now know was a kindred spirit. Thank you.

enigma4ever said...

I remember her too...
and how we all found out around the same time...
and wrestled with these same horrible feelings ..
that we had not reached out..
or helped her..
or stopped her..
I was at her page that night-
had no idea that she would be gone..
felt like an idiot..
like I had missed some kind of huge clue...

the pain she was in....
in many ways art, beautiful photos and even her humor did camaflouge it..

very very sad...

I am so so sorry...
that she is gone...
and that those of us behind..
remain haunted..
confused....

bless you for caring...
and having such a good heart...

namaste