Tuesday, January 12, 2010

This Is who I Was In My Fifties




I have known so many young women who dreaded turning 30, then 35.  I know women for whom 40 means the end of youth, the end of beauty, the end of all good things.  I know women who think 50 is really old.  But this is me in my mid fifties and these were some of the best years of my life.  I was more successful as a model in my 50s than I was in my 20s.  I was in demand as an actor in my 50s.  The only thing that brought that all to an end was my mother's vascular dementia.  Taking care of her aged me in a way that all the years leading up to 57 hadn't.  Taking care of my mother in her final horrible years damaged me in a way that all of life up to that point hadn't.  I'm now finally just about recovered.  But I want you to know, you lovely younger women, that your 50's just might be the very best years of your life, so do not dread them.

I was a woman who always claimed to be a bit older than I actually was.  I wanted to be thirty.  I thought people would take me seriously when I was thirty. I thought being older than I actually was would bring me credibility and gravitas.  I hated being treated like an object, like a brainless twit because others couldn't see past the pretty face.  And I had the kind of looks that made me seem ageless.  That's no longer true. And I take a certain comfort in the fact that I can move among you nearly invisible now.  I no longer lie about my age.

30 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Hubba hubba.

giggles said...

Ditto the Dr. A nice piece, and for me, timely...in a month I turn that magic round number. Gladly, not dreading it...except for the desire to lose many pounds and wondering what this decade will bring for me....

Samantha Thomas said...

Funny. I was always the "smart one." The girl geek, the most pathetic of all possible creatures, and least likely to reproduce. I wanted someone to treat me as an object, to be attracted to me, physically rather than intellectually. I guess we always want what we believe or pretend we don't already have. I wish I had discovered that before I spent so many years as an engineer by day, prostitute by night.

Your posts are so evocative -- True Art, Dear Savage.

Liberality said...

I am feeling old and I am only rounding the corner to 50.

But you look marvelous at that age! I can see why you'd be in demand.

Utah Savage said...

Dear Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein, nice to see you here again. I guess I need to post more pictures.

Giggles stop obsessing about the pounds and know that as you get older your body knows where the pounds need to be. If you get a moment go visit The Peach Tart. Her post today is about full figure models and they are far more attractive than the skinny girls. Everybody in his/her right mind would rather cuddle with a full figure broad than a little bag of bones.

Samantha, I so wanted to be the girl everyone loved for her brain. It is probably some universal rule that we want what we don't have. Now I have become the woman who lives entirely in her brain. My body's only value to me now is to support my brain function. I have become a bit brain vain.

Utah Savage said...

Hi Lib. I finally really came into my own in my fifties. Best decade of all until Maggy took over and turned it into a descent into the darkest scariest place. Then I began to fear old age a bit. But now my doctors take very very good care of me. So I don't fear turning into Maggy quite so much.

Connecticut Man1 said...

Strikingly beautiful. Just turned 44 a couple of weeks ago. Don't really care about how old I look. I still feel like a kid. Peter Pan syndrome, I guess?

Utah Savage said...

Connecticut Man1 Your Peter Pan syndrome is very common in men your age. Well, make that men of any age. I blame it all on mothers. It is part of men's charm when they are courting us, but it makes them difficult as long term mates. Your wife must be very patient or else you must be very good at certain things she just can't get anywhere else.

PENolan said...

I've been fifty for six months now, and every day gets a little bit better. Sometimes I think I'm taken more seriously than I should be.

All I can say is your mom's illness must have really sucked because your early years were no picnic, Sister.

CDP said...

I love this post. You were very beautiful and I'm sure you still are. Meanwhile, no one who reads this blog would doubt your intelligence, either.

Gwendolyn H. Barry said...

Beautiful.

Utah Savage said...

It's so much fun to have so many of the women I think of as great broads visiting me. I'm sorry I've been so scare visiting you, but much like in my meatworld life, the one where I only go to doctors visits and grocery shopping, the world where I never ever ever visit any of my girl friends unless they are dying, I've become averse to leaving home unless I'm at twitter. I know it's odd because I know you guys so well. But twitter allows and forces me to be fast and careful. Brevity is of the essence on twitter. The characteristics that make one good at twitter are ones I've never cultivated before. I've always been wordy, long winded, in love with words. Twitter's all about thought, point of view, a bit of wit, and best of all for me, it's all politics all the time. Twitter's conversational and full of passion.

I'm following agents and taking names, but keeping a fairly low profile there. I'm almost ready to start sending the book out into the world again after completely disassembling it and approaching from a different perspective. It may be better, it may not, but since I'm including so little of the original book I know have short story material for future use.

BBC said...

I never did lie about my age, it's mostly vain women that do that.

Utah Savage said...

BBC you're such a ray of sunshine. Always a kind word.

The Peach Tart said...

Gorgeous. Just gorgeous. Great sentiments. Being a former model myself, it's a great reflection.

Sherry said...

wow- cool!!!

i never lie about my age- i celebrate every hard fought year!

i'm 58 and it's fine with me.

Utah Savage said...

Peach Tart, Hi! I know you're taken seriously, no matter how gorgeous you are.

Sherry, I know what you mean. These hard fought years are to be treasured.

Randal Graves said...

Pretty goddamn swanky, though you're spot on about the pretty face dilemma. Been my experience that dumbassery comes in all appearances, 'tis a shame that hasn't spread like the plague amidst the populace.

Berowne said...

It occurred to me that a blog named "Utah Savage" should know there's a blog named "Savage Reflections."

Maybe there's some kind of bond, link, connection -- whatever?

La Belette Rouge said...

You are, then and now, gorgeous.

And, yeah, I dread a little. But, I know that 30's were better than 20's and 40's are better than 30's. So I am guessing that that pattern holds.

Utah Savage said...

Randal darling, how nice to see you. Yes, dumbassery comes in all appearances and we probably let the pretty girls get away with much more of it than the homely girls. And that too is a shame.

Berowne, Nice to see a new face here.

Ms Bellete, so glad you are making the connection that it just gets better and better decade by decade.

an average patriot said...

You were a looker Hon that's for sure, hope you are well!

Mauigirl said...

You were truly beautiful - and I'm sure still are, even with the marks of what you went through with your mother.

I don't lie about my age - although I did it once when I was 20 and wanted to get into a bar when I was in college!

Jay said...

Very nice blog you have here. I like reading political blogs for some reason. Anyway, I have a site myself where people from around the world come and debate on popular issues. I feel as if this will give citizens some form of power, letting their voices be heard.

I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between each other. If you'd like to, please leave a comment under our "Compadres" page when you've added our link and we'll return the favor.

Until then, keep up the good work.

Jason
DEBATEitOUT.com

Jay said...

Very nice blog you have here. I like reading political blogs for some reason. Anyway, I have a site myself where people from around the world come and debate on popular issues. I feel as if this will give citizens some form of power, letting their voices be heard.

I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between each other. If you'd like to, please leave a comment under our "Compadres" page when you've added our link and we'll return the favor.

Until then, keep up the good work.

Jason
DEBATEitOUT.com

Elizabeth said...

Breathtaking.

Utah Savage said...

Jay, I have 5 fiction blogs and occasionally contribute to three other blogs where some very interesting smart people from all over the place contribute. My passion now is working on finishing editing a novel and taking breaks to spend countless hours tweeting my heart out on twitter. But thanks for the invite.

Elizabeth, thank you. That's just what we all want to hear now and then.

darkblack said...

Ah, a picture of an empress pondering whether diplomacy or the point of a spear would be the most efficacious method to plunder a vassal state of their riches. Exquisite.

;>)

sunshine said...

What a hottie!!! :D
Very beautiful. You still are....

((Hugs))
laura

1138 said...

I'm glad to be in my 50s interacting with grownup women in their 50s.
Except for the lost of parents and friends... and at this age spouses (lifestyle and genetics start catching up on folks in the 50s) it's a good time to be alive.