Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Few Thoughts On the Orgasm and Men

I've never been turned on by pornography.  I know plenty of women say they like it, but I have never seen porn that didn't embarrass me.  And more than one man has tried to share his love of the porn with me, believing that if he found just the right film, it would change my mind.  But no, all pornography does for me is make me dislike the men in the films and the man who wants me to watch that crap.  What turns me on happens between my ears, and I'm not speaking of the mouth orifice or throat.  If my brain is not engaged or is repulsed by the content of something I'm supposed to be watching, my clit will be repulsed too.

It's also a problem for me if too much is going on at one time in the actual in the flesh (not porn) sex department. For instance I'm not a fan of cunnilingus and especially not a fan of 69 though I should be since the numbers typed like that resemble my astrological sign, but it's too much stimulation for me and has never ever brought me to orgasm.  I could never come home from a stressful day and decompress with a little hot steamy 69 or really any sex.  I couldn't get my mind to shut off that fast and distraction is the enemy of the female orgasm or at least this female's orgasm.

This is not to say I haven't tried damn near everything that came my way, sexually speaking.  I've had so many lovers over this long life span that I can't count them.  Hell, I can't even remember half of them; that's how significant they were.  Nameless, faceless young or older men moved through my life in a way that left me unmoved and incapable of either remembering or sometimes preferring not to remember.  That's not to say there weren't some astounding standouts I'll never forget. Tom was such a man.  But his taste for porn turned me off and he isn't really a relationship guy.  In 1965 there was Nino Cerruti.  He was my favorite Italian lover.  God was he wonderful.  He was so wonderful I refused to continue seeing him.  That's how much love scares me.  But I'm not talking about love.  I'm talking about sex.  Not to say they're mutually exclusive; to the contrary, love might be the only way for some women to feel secure enough to relax enough for orgasm to happen.  I'm not one of those women.  I was sexually objectified too young, for too long, to put sex and love on equal footing.  Love had very little to do with it. But orgasmic sex with little effort on my part has always been my preferred way to go.  Too much need or too many expectations or too much fear and orgasm is impossible for me.

And then I gave up on men.  I was through with men.  Men tend to want to control me.  Men seem want to tell me what to do.  I'd rather they just do it and pay for it and not bother me with the details.  For a brief while I had an affair with a Salt Lake doctor who despite the fact that I not only found him repulsive and rather stupid, made the claim that if I'd just look him in the eyes as we were having sex he could guarantee the worlds best orgasm.  I know, I laughed too.  But I'm a wee bit evil and a good sport, so I let him have this test of his powers.  What I proved was that I can look a man in the eyes during sex and convincingly fake an orgasm.  And I'm not nice enough not to tell him afterwards.

There was a Sculptor in Costa Rica who made quite a nice gallant civilized effort to get me in his bed.  I knew he'd be wonderful in bed.  I found him sexually attractive in the extreme.  I spent the night at his house.  But I would not have sex with him and I would not sleep in his bed.  I knew I could fall in love with him.  I didn't want to fall in love with anyone.  Sometimes sex means a great deal.  Sometimes it means nothing or next to nothing.

It's been four years since I had the slightest interest in a man.  The last man to turn me on at all walked into my backyard to give me an estimate on a new roof for the little house.  I didn't really notice him all that much until he started calling me at night.  Then there were months of cheeky email chats.  He wanted to show me his house.  But it wasn't really his house he wanted to show me.  I stayed home and gave him shit about hitting on a woman a year older than his own mother.  This didn't seem to cool his ardor much until a real estate woman with lots of tats and piercings started hitting on him.  I was relieved.  I did find him very appealing.  But he was forty something and had his twelve year old daughter and twenty something son staying with him.  And I didn't want any complications or distractions in my life.  So I turned myself off.

Readers of my blog will remember my blooming romance with Cal and how badly it turned out. There was the idea of the very young Peggy and the very young Cal.  That memory was lovely until I invited him over for dinner. And the very old Peggy was not only not sexually attracted to the very old Cal she was mean to him, and told every little detail on the blog.   It was then I decided to stop thinking I'd ever have a sex life again.  I'm not looking for a companion.  I never want to live with a man again. That's never worked out well for me.  So I turned the sex spiggot off.  My clit might as well have dried up and blown away.  I even forgot where I'd put my vibrator.  I thought I might have thrown it away, that's how serious I was about not having an interest in sex anymore.  And then a man I don't know at all said something interesting to me on twitter and now I've found my vibrator and have used it enough to make the muscles of my inner thighs and my butt sore.  Don't let anybody tell you the female orgasm isn't good exercise.  It may not burn many calories but it sure can tone muscle.


Agnieszkas Shoes said...

For some reason I found this incredibly moving - I think I've been sensitised to it by the novel I'm working on (, but still, the way you write it is strangely beautiful.

La Belette Rouge said...

The Nino Ceruti?

sunshine said...

I was molested as a child as well. I think that the only left over baggage I have, sexually wise, is that I don't like to be grabbed.
The grabbing issue has to to do with an Uncle (that didn't molest me actully). When I was 14, he came up to me, grabbed both my tits really hard, squeezed them and then whispered in my ear, "God I'd love to suck on these."

I told my Mother and she said.."Oh, don't tell your Father whatever you do. He'll throw him out."
God forbid.

Anyhow. I am happy that someone has caught your interest. Nothing like a little dirty talk to get the juices flowing again. :P
Sometimes that's enough. :)


Liberality said...

I'm one of those gals that has to be in love and feel secure to let go. And I don't like porn either--it's so object oriented and I hate that so that even if I am or was turned on, on another level I am profoundly turned off. I want sex to mean something or not have it at all.

Utah Savage said...

Agnieszkas, I'm so glad it's moving for you and not horrifying

LBR, Yes, The Nino Cerruti He had a yacht and we sailed out of Portofino on long weekends. What a fabulous man. So sweet,so sexy.

Sunshine, I hope you've been able to tell you mother how painful her actions were to you. I expect men to be assholes and inappropriate, but I have a very hard time with mother's who know and do nothing. My mother was such a one too.

I'm glad you ARE loved. I wish I'd been able to trust love. I might have ended up with Nino Cerruti and stayed in Italy.

Lisa said...

I'm still not saying anything.

Except. Isn't that nice? And I mean it - exercise is good for all of you.

La Belette Rouge said...

You live an extraordinary life. Please write more about Nino. I think I remember my dad having some of his suits.

Utah Savage said...

Lisa, you cheeky monkey, can you see me turning the key at my lips to show you how I do want you to keep those lips locked on this one. It would probably embarrass him and then he wouldn't talk to me anymore and then I really would toss my vibrator away for good.

LBR, I have a whole section of my book that I excised this time about my year in Italy and there is a pretty good chunk about Nino. He is one man who was always kind to me, and he was an extraordinary lover. I felt undeserving of the life he led. What a dumbass I was.

Lisa said...

My lips are sealed.

Jennyablue said...

Fortunately, orgasm has little to do with men or sex or sex with men. Orgasm is free, like gravity and sunshine, and is something to take for granted.

Porn just is. I won't judge. It's a personal preference.

Men are good for penetration and for some women not a way to clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Like woman, every orgasm is different. How we reach such pleasure depends on every factor imagined.

I gave up on love, men, sex with men, long ago. Not to say on occasion, one will turn my head, and I'll flirt and attempt to get him to engage, but I sure don't need a man to satisfy any aspect of my life. With that said, I think women are far more interesting. Besides, we have clits.

Then there was this amusing exchange on the Twitter machine:

RT @Pussy_Whisperer: REMEMBER: a clit is just a midget penis/Whoa! A clit is a CLIT. w/love, Jenny

RT @Pussy_Whisperer: @Jennyablue oh trust me I know that, you guys have 8000 more nerve cells than us there rotflmao/Stop calling us guys!

I have no plans to give up on my clit or such sweet orgasm achieved there.

Thank you Peggy, for your entertaining post.

Utah Savage said...

Lisa, your lips are dying to tell someone. I'm betting your whole family knows something about me they shouldn't and wish they hadn't. Old woman has orgasms, Euwww.

Jenny, I hope this wasn't a let down for you. All that hype and so little news. There is a whole generation of women who grew up with sex toys and have always taken their orgasms for granted. I can tell you for certain that my generation of men grew up with a good deal of ignorance about the clit and spent a good deal of time ignoring it in favor of penetration, which has very rarely done it for me. I was 21 and living in Italy before I had an experience with a GREAT and SENSITIVE LOVER. Then I began to take responsibility for my own sexual pleasure.

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Randal Graves said...

You're all a bunch of perverts. I'm calling the FCC.

susan said...

I'm glad I came by to catch this one.

I agree with you about porn being a turnoff.

It's a shame about you and Nino.

Utah Savage said...

Susan how nice to see you. I have become such a homebody I'm now having trouble making the rounds. I want to publish this year. I need to write a synopsis of the novel and a query letter. Both of these are harder than writing fiction or fact. This is about what I've written and I don't know how to do a synopsis or talk about myself in a way that will make me seem like a person... And here I get stuck.

I need to write some stories that are salable. Maybe erotica.