Sunday, April 11, 2010

Behaving Badly

I took a challenge from a man to write a little erotica.  Sure, I can do that.  I have a lifetime of sex, good and bad, and scandalous behavior, and too many men, and some very crazy women to draw on.  I have been pursued by both men and women.  And though now I may sound like the kind of woman who always knew what she would do and what she wouldn't do, life isn't always so simple as yes to this and no to that.  I might pull a gun on a married man who wouldn't leave me alone, and turn around to passively accept from another man what seems now, in hind sight, like the worlds stupidest bad behavior.  I have actively participated in a three way with my significant other and another woman; a woman of my choosing.  Bad behavior, willingly engaged in.  And it ruined everything.  At least for a couple of years it did.  I became the woman who broke another woman's heart and made the man who wasn't sure whether or not he loved me jealous and insecure for the first time, maybe the first time in his life.

When I moved back to Salt Lake from Santa Barbara I started modeling again.  I was a known commodity here and had for decades known all the women in the fashion industry in Salt Lake from the models to the agents to the buyers, store owners, and fashion coordinators, so I had a head start.  The amazing thing was the change in the industry.  Older models were in demand for the first time ever and there weren't any in my age group working here then.  So I filled a niche.  I was in demand.  And I ran with the wild women.  They ranged in age from late twenties to late thirties and I was ten years older than the rest.  I was also the only one with a fairly large house and no husband to frown on our behavior.  So we did a lot of partying at my place.

And like any segment of the population some of us drank too much, did drugs, had reckless and naughty sex with the wrong people and talked about it.  The main difference is that we were great looking women.  So what I haven't done myself I've heard about in detail from each one of those women.  Some of the stories are legendary and the women in question notorious for having lived to tell those stories.  There were parties I didn't go to that were so outrageous and talked about so long that these stories have survived like famous jokes from legendary comics. I could write about those parties I didn't attend perhaps better than I could about things that happened in my own house, even in my own bed.  You see, I'm ambivalent about my own bad behavior, but not so much about someone else's.  But can I turn the me character into a woman who wasn't so ambivalent?  Can I give that character permission to enjoy her bad behavior more than I actually enjoyed my own, in point of fact?  Am I a fiction writer or am I a woman who writes nothing but memoir and only changes the characters names and hair color.  We shall see.

The first five chapters of The Masseur (a working title) were a breeze to write.  But the sixth chapter is the real beginning of the women behaving badly in a way most of you will say is pure fantasy, grotesque, just wrong, couldn't possibly have happened, so it must be fiction and not that believable as fiction.  But do some of the scenes turn you on, despite yourself?   That's the part that interests me.  Can I make these women real to you?   Can I make your naughty parts tingle a little in spite of your disapproval?  That's the challenge.

Is there an objective truth?  Does anyone really ever tell the complete truth about themselves?  Perhaps it's only when you stop telling your story and start make shit up that you get to the truth.  Is anything in the new book really fiction?  I'll let you be the judge of that.

12 comments:

PENolan said...

I will wager that you only get to the essence of the real truth once you start making shit up - and then it's probably by accident.

I'm excited for you!
Not turned on - just excited. Or am I? What an invigorating experiment.

Utah Savage said...

The real challenge is to get out of my way and write like my Id, Ego and Super-Ego aren't involved. I have to kill the censor and stop worrying about what other people will think of me for writing this story.

TomCat said...

It must be a challenge for you. When I look back at my own younger days, I often wonder how I could have been so crazy. Like you I hung with a wild crowd. I even partied in SLC from time to time, so I know how wide open it can be. Enjoy!

D.K. Raed said...

Ever read any Anais Nin? She'd probably seem tame by today's standards, but there is something to be said about less is more ... pointing the reader's mind toward places they may not want to confront. Nin took a lot of heat in her day. Expect you will too, dear UT.

Why do you worry what other people will think? You should worry if what you write does not cause a reader to think! There is so much mindless writing today, most not worthy of even a quick scan. You should be glad you provoke real thoughts.

Utah Savage said...

DK, several people have compared me to Anais Nin lately, and though I appreciate the compliment, I wasn't a big fan of hers. I thought she pussy footed around a lot and was a bit too coy. I much preferred the muscularity of Henry Miller, one of her contemporaries. I loved the sheer power of his style. I thought Nin was too precious, too coy. But with that said, I know they are giving me a compliment. And I know I should just shut up and say thanks.

okjimm said...

"Does anyone really ever tell the complete truth about themselves? "

Only when we lie to ourselves in the mirror in the morning.

TRUTH 101 said...

While behaving badly might not be boring, I've never had my wife hit me in the head with a rolling pin either.

Steady and predictable, while perhaps boring, are not painful either.


I'm content to live vicariously through Utah Savage and Tiger Woods.

Beach Bum said...

Is there an objective truth?

In short, Hell no. Well, as far as human beings are concerned if there is a mystical objective truth we don't have the ability to see it. We are too self-centered.

Does anyone really ever tell the complete truth about themselves?

What Jim said. Although while 99.9999% cannot face the truth about ourselves I imagine there is that .0001 out there somewhere who can. But you might as well be talking about Bigfoot or some other ledgendary character.

Utah Savage said...

Truth, behaving badly can be quite boring. Especially if the bad behavior is repetitive. Like a mate's infidelity for instance. Or lying about it over and over. Leaving the same man over and over gets pretty boring too. I just didn't have very good luck with mates. And just so we're both clear about it, this is fiction. And these women are all a bit freakish in their physical beauty. They aren't exactly a cross section of the general population, but their experiences with husbands and lovers might have things in common with all or most women.

Beach, we all do a lot of compartmentalizing to avoid looking at the whole mess all at once. We're honest in the moment with certain people. I suspect the fiction writer takes a harder look into his or her own past for inspiration and to express the universal in the individual story. And I really am trying to write fiction so I can lie my ass off.

Randal Graves said...

I have to make stuff up. Does a hand and my third leg count as a six-way?

Keith Simerson said...

Does anyone ever tell the complete truth about themselves? HELL NO!!! Remember what Dostoyevsky wrote about our memory ... some things we only tell to our friends, some things not even to them but only to ourselves, and only that in secret, and some things we are too afraid to tell even to ourselves, and every decent person has a number of such things stored away.

Its the last portion that most interests me. Both about myself and others. It's the courage to put it out there regardless that I like to read about.

Utah Savage said...

Anita, you owed no one an apology. But you accidently posted your mea Culpa twice. In trying to have your comment show only once I accidentally deleted both of them. It was a mistake. Mea culpa. But Darkblack knows neither one of us thinks ALL men are asshats. Just MOST men...