Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Am I sick or Is It Bipolar Disorder?

I don't feel well.  There are many reasons I might not feel well right now but I can't rule out the possibility that this might be the beginning of depression.

I don't want to do anything.  It might be the unseasonably cold temperatures and the fact that I awoke yesterday to a snow storm.  Or it might be the beginning of depression.  I can't quite wake up.  Things that usually please me, like visitors, make me feel vaguely annoyed.  I'm not exactly annoyed at the people visiting me, but at my own lack of enthusiasm.  I can fake it for awhile, long enough to make it through a visit.  I don't lack interest.  But when the visitor leaves, I'm relieved to be alone again.  Today, though it's cool now, it's supposed to be 71 degrees.  Perfect weather for working outside.  Perfect weather for taking a walk.  But I want to pull the shades and sleep.  I can't quite wake up.  The dogs enthusiasm for their morning routine makes me irritable.  I can fake my way through the morning.  I know what the dogs expect of me.  But I just wanted to sleep another hour or ten, so when I get out of bed, I'm very very tired.  And there is no good reason for this fatigue.

Usually when I wake up one of the first things I do is look in on twitter.  I have no interest in twitter today.  I feel a little bit sick.  This used to confuse me because feeling sick can be cured, but a depression can last for years and there seems to be no reason for it.  I'm a reasonable person, so a bad mood or a need for a nap I can deal with.  But the black cloud of depression can't be dealt with in quite such a rational way as tackling a real illness or just a bad mood.  If I were vomiting or had a fever, I could overlook this lethargy and know why my body didn't want to do anything but lie in bed.

I have congratulated myself for this long period of stability.  It's been years since I had a real serious bipolar event.  I take my medications and check my emotional temperature every day.  If I'm really off, like very angry or very irritible, I realize that I might not really be all that angry or irritible, it might just be a bipolar event.  I can't take my feelings at face value.  My feelings could be quite reasonable given my circumstances.  But if they seem overblown to other people given the provication, I have to consider the possiblity that it might just be bipolar disorder and not my friend's incredible insensitivity.  Fact is, not one of my friends is all that insensitive.  Nick just called to see if I wanted to go to a movie.  And I worry that my lack of enthusiasm for much of anything might seem like I just don't want to do anything with him.  Truth is, he's the only person I'd go out with.  But for now, I'm going nowhere.


Jennyablue said...

Thinking of you. ox

A. said...

I absolutely hate that feeling. It's terrifying. I hope you are well.

Agnieszkas Shoes said...

Like A said, I hate that feeling. The not trusting your feelings, not quite knowing what's going on. The knowledge that it COULD be that you just need some sleep, or have a slight virus, or are just having one of those times, but the sense that it could be the black cloud descending - the fear of what's coming can end up taking over. Whichever this turns out to be, there's lots of us thinking of you

Susan said...

I haven't checked in with your blog lately but last time I did you were working non-stop to get your house in order. I just wonder if maybe you are simply very, very tired.

Between the actual physical work, the stress of getting it done, plus the stress of the financial part - all would contribute to feeling physically, mentally exhausted.

At least that is how it worked for me in stressful/exhausting situations and I never really got it until it had past, and I had slept a lot, basically disengaged for a bit, and then later I would have the realization that I wasn't getting sick, losing my mind, etc. but that I was just exhaused.

Obviously you know best, but thought I would throw it out as a possibility. Regardless, I hope you start to feel better very soon.

Utah Savage said...

Jenny, thanks.

A. thank you for the visit. It is a horrible feeling.

Dan, One of the biggest challenges of bipolar disorder is the constant second guessing my reaction to everything.

Susan, I do realize how stressed I've been and how that might take more out of me than the average impoverished home owner. I really can't afford my house right now. And the amount of sweat work it takes to keep it in working order is draining. I have a small window of time now to work on shaping the yard. It will soon be too hot to work outside in the daytime. One day of 35 degree temps and a snow storm and today it was 75. I have weather whiplash. Yesterday the boys had to turn the heat on. Today they probably wished they had the swamp cooler working. I still haven't turned on outside water. I still owe taxes from 2 years ago. I'm running as fast as I can and getting farther and farther behind.

PENolan said...

Girl, I'm thinking the residual anger at the old tenants has triggered a depression that's been sneaking up on you because of the sundry shit in your life that explains the fatigue, etc.

I know depressions in bipolar more often are triggered chemically as opposed to environmentally BUT those people were solid fucked up and negated you. We both know how being negated triggers ancient rage and despair that no amount of medication can erase. And either way, you find yourself isolating under the covers.

Get some rest, and know that even though it doesn't feel like it, you are loved. From a distance anyway.

Utah Savage said...

PEN, there is so much wisdom in that assessment. I'm still enraged at those little assholes, so yes, I think you might be right. I didn't cave in today. I pushed through it. I don't know if I can keep that up, but it felt good not to fold.

Beach Bum said...

But when the visitor leaves, I'm relieved to be alone again.

Had my wife's college roommate and her boyfriend come stay with us last weekend. Wanted to strangle both just a few hours after they arrived and when then left early on Sunday I was greatly relieved so I know the feeling.

PENolan said...

Here's a virtual reefer to celebrate Not Folding.


darkblack said...

Hang in there, kid.


prophet666 said...

looks like a slight rearangement of your system.