Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Shit Happens

I think it all began with my computer slowing down.  Then it started acting wonky in other ways.  And this seemed to coincide with my body going wonky as well.  I had gut pain.  I can't remember exactly when this all started but I imagine it began just after that horrible hospitalization for an abscess in my colon.  I don't really think the abscess was half so bad as the actual hospital stay.  I'm now hospital phobic.  Thanks Salt Lake Regional Medical Center. Your dreadful care has made me prefer death to another visit to your ER.

I lose time.  So does my computer.  I have gut pain and my computer freezes up.  This panics me so I finally schedule a colonoscopy and the prep nearly kills me.  I ruin clothes with that horrible purge.  No one warms you that you'll shit the bed, so fast comes the liquefied contents of your colon.  I strip and deposit my clothing into a hefty bag and then the trash.  Oddly enough, the photo of my colon looks like a pink and perfect babies butt.  And for a week after the colonoscopy my bowel seems paralyzed.  This worries me.  My computer seizes up.  I have to force quit every time I try to tweet.  Why is my computer mimicking my body?

Next comes an episode of violent illness that scares me into scheduling a complete physical that is happening in stages, so thorough is it.  This illness stricks in the middle of the night.  I awaken from a sound sleep at roughly 3:00 AM.  It is the shits.  Not to gross you out, but so violent is this bout of liquified shit that I ruin two more sets of newish jammies.  And as soon as I plop myself down on the toilet I strip the fouled clothing off my body and then the vomiting starts.  There is no time to find a better place to vomit since I'm still emptying my gut into the toilet, so I lean over the tub and barf.  This puking and shitting goes on for eleven hours.  For three days I can keep nothing down.  My neighbor thinks I should go to the ER.  Fat fucking chance!  No way in hell!  I'd rather die at home.

And as soon as I think those thoughts my computer dies.  Has my Imac become a modern day Hal?  I dither about what to do.  Phillip, the wonderful Sitenoise, runs some diagnostic tests and at first it seems to say that there is hope.  But still my computer doesn't work.  It seems to be saying, "I prefer not." like my favorite Melville character, Bartleby, the Scrivener.  I seem to have a too close relationship with my computer.  My own projections are infecting it.  How odd.

So, now I'm starting to feel better but my computer seems to have died in my place.  Could death been stalking me and the computer was generous enough to go in my place?  I'm about ready to believe anything.  Phillip and I have consulted over my options.  Seems I will have to take my big honking Imac to the Mac Store in the Gateway Mall.  I have been to that Mall three times since it opened and it was one man or another that force marched me into that hell hole.  I swore I'd never return.  Seems that's the only authorized Mac Store.  Motherfucker!

I procrastinate.  To be continued with less references to shit.  And I have a new wardrobe.  Happy Ending (if shopping is your idea of a happy ending).

9 comments:

Paprikapink said...

Bless your heart! You've been through some shit, girl. And some's been through you... okay enough with the bad puns. I hope you computer is hot on your heels on the road to healing.
xoxox,
-pkpk

Utah Savage said...

It's healed. I thought it was such a bargain given the alternatives, I splurged on a wireless keyboard and a wireless mouse. But I'll need Phillip to talk me through the set up.

AYATOLLAH TRUTHMENI 101 said...

Anyone worth knowing appreciates a good shit story Utah Savage. It's all in the adjectives.

Try something like "More shit came out of my ass in an hour than out of Rush Limbaugh's mouth in a week."

That's a load of shit.

Beach Bum said...

I'm now hospital phobic.

I can relate in a way since every morning I swim in verbal and ideological shit having to give my nightly report to my Teabagger foreman in his Tea Party decorated office. He's a fine little proto-Nazi completely lost in grand delusions of his own importance. After every meeting I feel like I need to take a shower.

...colonoscopy and the prep nearly kills me. I ruin clothes with that horrible purge.

Had one of those myself one time, and to think I never believed what people said about being full of shit until the purge began.

The Blog Fodder said...

That is why they put the bathtub close to the toilet - for when both ends work at once. Hope you and computer are well over the bout of what ever it was.

darkblack said...

You must be pooped after all that.

;>)

Mauigirl said...

You poor thing!!! Nothing worse than the shits/barfs at the same time! Hope you are better now.

an average patriot said...

I really hope you feel better and quick. You've had your share of shit.

Mrs. Winder said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I know all to well how bowel problems make your life miserable. I hope things start flowing smoothly sooner than later for you.