Wednesday, April 23, 2008

From Hope To Bitterness

I woke up yesterday with Hope. Big time Hope. Now I'm really bitter. Bitter and sinking into the mind killing part of depression. Depression turns your brain into damp cotton. The only thing that penetrates the cotton is rage. So stupid and full of rage. That sounds like a full on case of Bitterness to me. And now my hearts arterially fibrillating up a storm, I'm depressed and bitter, and I can't find old reruns of Lawn Order to put me to sleep. My appointment with the cardiologist isn't until next Wednesday. If I weren't so depressed I could take a book to bed, but you have to be just the right kind of depressed to read--it takes a little concentration to really read. But bitterness and depression makes me want to search out a gun show, so I could buy an illegal gun, go to church, and come home and blow myself away. Worry not. I hate going out so much, that even the desire to put a bullet threw (or is it through?) my brian will have to wait until I'm not so bitter.

10 comments:

Liberality said...

I hope your blues go away pronto. Grrrl, when I gave you that award you are free in turn to give it to 5 others of your choice. You just have to notify them and maybe put a picture of the award up for them to grab a copy of it. I know I have 2 more to give but I've been busy and sick and what have you. Will probably finish that up next week.

Beach Bum said...

Hang tight Utah, I depend on your stories.

Ghost Dansing said...

satellites

we were born forever
we are twinned in a fugitive mind
friends should stay together and
light the world with the fugitive kind.

so you keep talking in many languages
telling us the way you feel
don't stop confiding in the road you're on
don't quit, you're walking Satellites

(Utah..... if you let the video load then play it it will work even from a slow server)

Utah Savage said...

So now I sit here face wet with tears. But not the boohoo kind. Thanks ghost dansing. And editing I will go. New blog-- all fiction all the time. Called Maggy

Lib, darling, you are ligjht years ahead of me in the know how dept. But somehow, with the kindness of strangers we'll will get it to her. That E. Stella too, does she have one? And E at starspangledhaggis.

Fade said...

Please don't put a bullet through your brian! Surely he's got some redeeming qualities.

will it help if I tell you I'm desperaely saving up my $872?

Utah Savage said...

Yes, fade it will help!

Liberality said...

Write a post about who you are giving the award too and why you want them to have it. Then leave a comment over at their blogs to tell them about the award. They, in turn, can pass it on to others of their choice. If you have any questions just ask.

Anita said...

Man can I relate to this. Depression is NOT a joke. It is a very serious condition. And you know what, people do not get it. And as far as I'm concerned, the drugs can only do so much.

There two great books on depression that have helped me (or, at least, allowed me to feel that I truly am not alone in this affliction),

1) The Noonday Demon - An Atlas of Depression (by Andrew Solomon)

and

2) Darkness Visible - A Memoir of Madness (by William Styron)

One thing about depression that is either terribly scary or very comforting, depending on your state of mind, is that depression has afflicted the almost ALL of the great writers, artists and musicians. I always think that when one is more sensitive to the world around them than the average person, it sets them apart, makes them feel so very alone.

I think all the time about Van Gogh. He suffered from something far more severe than depression (schizophrenia), but his "visions" were so magnificient. It is almost as if what would be described as "illness" or a "disease" is simply heightened awareness. And that can drive one mad.

Randal Graves said...

What anita said. Save the bullets for those who deserve it which doesn't include you among its members.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

No bullets for you, dear UT! I hear you, though. Some days, I feel despair that's devastating.