Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Tooth Fairy

I need a tooth fairy. For me that would be someone with really good painkillers that don't make me puke and don't cost much. Or a sugar daddy who'd pay for my dental implants. I've been trying to keep my two bottom molars for the last three or four years, and its a serious battle that I can honestly say started in my childhood with tin-can braces and living in a small town miles from any orthodontist. Then the when tin cans come off, every tooth is decayed underneath. Then I get a mouth full of silver fillings, then a tooth dies here, and the lovely one gets a gold crown. Then finally porcelain crowns. And now momma needs implants.

I've been trying for all this time to keep one good chewing surface, and it's a nasty battle. They start to ache and the pain goes down my jaw and into my neck. They feel higher (and not in a good way) so that when my back teeth touch top to bottom it sends a shiver of pain radiating out into my jaw and down my neck. It gives me a headache nothing will cure. And I hear, this kind of thing could end up killing you. Sadly, I'm one of those people that can't take narcotics without a really good anti-nausea drug on board to prevent the unfortunate puking, as I run for the toilet. Oh, I know it's early to be talking about such things, but there you have it. I'm not feeling good.

My handsome dentist, bless his sweet, pretty, blue eyed self, always keeps up with the latest gadgetry in dental marvels. He has a laser drill, that if I had a cavity, would zap it quietly and painlessly--alas, this is not my problem. This dental saga might have ended differently, if I were rolling in dough, or had started life with a different set of parents. All this might have been avoided. But a lifetime of grinding my porcelain crowns, when I sleep, into cracked and splintered nubs, has left me phobic of the next expensive dental horror I face. I'm told I could solve this whole mess with a mouthful of perfectly lovely dental implants for around $30,000. And that's a whole other kind of nightmare. It'll be that, or some ghastly form of dentures. Oh god, old age is a nightmare.

And then, yesterday, when I went to my doctor for my ten day check of the clotting factor, my blood pressure was 180/104, and my blood was like sludge. It oozed from the finger prick and would not drop. So now I have to take it easy, increase my warfarin (sounds just like me--that warfarin woman) take an antibiotic which rips my gut up, something for the nausea, something for the pain, and go back to bed.

These are the vicissitudes of having lived an exciting and adventurous life. Eventually the piper must be paid. Now, I think I'll take the mornings dose of drugs and go back to bed. Have a lovely day darlings.

24 comments:

Randal Graves said...

"I was gonna go warfarin' but decided to stay home in the Nashnul Gard instead."

Look at it this way: at least everyone has single-payer dental coverage now, so no more tin cans, but blissful chewing.

Sorry, still stuck in Fantasy Land. And after reading this, I'm not sure I'll be going to the dentist when I get older save to get my teeth pulled so I can then subsist on a liquid diet.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Teeth grinding sucks. I do it, and I have a molar crumbling because of it. I will need a crown there soon.

Good luck to you, UT. Wish I could help you.

DCup said...

Exactly what Scarlet said re: I wish I could help you.

Getting older isn't for sissies, is it?

thepoetryman said...

(sounds just like me--that warfarin woman)

Wayfaring woman... That sounds better than warfarin. :>)

thepoetryman said...

By the way, Utah Savage... How would you like to contribute to The Peace Tree? Have you the time or the inclination? Let me know. Openings on Monday am, Tuesday (noon to midnight) and Friday (midnight to noon)

DivaJood said...

I've been told that warfarin candles do not drip...

Omnipotent Poobah said...

I suppose this would be a bad time to announce that I'm 53 years old and have never had a cavity.

Yeah, I thought so.

Get some rest, I'm feeling your pain vicariously through you :-)

Utah Savage said...

Yesterday you were wanting my swamp cooler, well, with a comment like that, you can imaging what I thinking about what you should do with the swamp cooler once you get it.

Utah Savage said...

Oh, never mind Diva--in my painful state I thought you were the one bragging about having no cavities.

Dear Poobah, Fuck you! No really. You timing sucks.

Utah Savage said...

Poetryman, I can't imagine what you think I could contribute to your fabulous group. I started writing about politics here and quickly devolved to writing about cornbread and cantaloupe. I have wandered so far off topic I have to travel through the blogosphere to find the real news, the important information. I'm just bitching and whining here lately. Can you email me so we can talk quietly about what I could possibly contribute? I visit you and stand there in awe. I go to you for inspiration. I'm now speechless. But so very honored.

Nan said...

Allow me to give you the flip side of implants: the procedure requires drilling into bone. Anytime you mess with bone you run the risk of creating a source of pain that never, ever goes away. Have the bad teeth pulled -- a properly fitted dental appliance (aka denture, partial or full) will let you eat whatever you want, it'll be cheaper, and the pain will be gone for sure. You can always do implants later if your financial situation improves. In the meantime, you'll be free of one major stressor. (I speak from experience; I went through dental hell for about six years before I finally conceded that I was never going to be able to afford implants and went for a partial plate instead. Instant [or close to it] relief, and I'm able to eat stuff now I couldn't back when I was in pain. Teeth don't help much if it hurts too much to chew.)

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Utah - call these people and see if they can do anything for you

http://www.donateddental.org/

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Nan, I needed that. It's a blow to my vanity, but what good is vanity if you can't ever leave your house. I don't accept dinner invitations, primarily because i don't like to eat in public. Chewing certain things is painful. Now if I could only find a dentist old enough to actually do a good job making those devices. It's a bit like finding a clock maker. I inherited some exquisite watches from my mother. But all the old guys who used to do the work necessary to keep them running have died out. I'm afraid the same thing might have happened to the denture making artist.

I know you children are bored and disgusted with this conversation--but your time will come if the air quality doesn't kill you first.

DivaJood said...

No, no, I have plenty of cavities. My mouth is a veritable treasure trove of metal.

S E E Quine said...

` Watch out for mouth dwarves!! They'll mine ya clean in yer sleep if ya don't watch out!!

` Er... I must admit, you have far more severe problems with your teeth. However, I've had more severe problems with my dentist - the bastard changes my consent form after I've signed it and tries to 'put me under', except that stuff doesn't work on me and I was paralyzed and unable to scream.
` This constitutes as torture, and it was this that I was referring to in my comment... uh... somewhere... on Madam Z's blog I think.

` Blech narcotics!!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

sounds like u already got it all planed

Stella said...

OMG, $30,000? Poor Utah. Unconventional always has such great ideas. I may use his recommendation.

I'm a metal mouth, like divajood. My dentist left me to take a position with an insurance company. What is it about dentists, Utah? Mine was quite handsome. Alas, he's gone.

I hope you feel better. Personally, dental work gives me the heebee jeebees. I always insist on nitrous oxide because I'm such a coward.

Gee, I'm sure you're a nice person poobah, but I have to echo Utah's sentiment. Kidding, but how did you do that?

Je ne regrette rien said...

get that fucking book published and get your teeth done. get on it!

BBC said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BBC said...

Fucking dental monkeys, that's just a bunch of bullshit.

BBC said...

Ask him if those implants come with a lifetime warranty. Ha, in your fucking dreams.

Utah Savage said...

s e e quine, Are you ignoring my suggestion that you write a short story. You are new to my site, as as far as I know, at madame Z's, so what do you think of the suggestion. it's really none of my business, but I just have the feeling you could write quite a dark little story. i don't want to embarrass you nor make you uncomfortable with pressure. So this is the last time i'll bring it up. email me if you want to talk privately about it.

Utah Savage said...

NJRR is settled in enough to come and kick my ass. Well, I did pressure you a little in your last days of packing and al. I guess I deserve the prodding, but we have new entries. And more to come. What I need to do is get cracking on finding a publisher. Often with a publisher you get an editor. Umm, an editor. Dont forget this book in progress. So far I have told your story to all my real world girlfriends and they are enchanted and can't wait to try it. Kidding about the last bit... But still..

dguzman said...

I have just about the same dental situation as you do. I'm figuring I'll be gumming my food by the time I'm 55. One of my old silver-filled molars is crumbling away as we speak; of course the dentist can't see me for another two weeks. By then, it'll be gone!