Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A New Map for the Red States and the Blue States

Dear Red States:[jesuslandmap.gif]

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Sadam was involved in 9/11... and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

Hug and a H/T to Bob and Dusty for this lil gem. ;)

14 comments:

DCup said...

Looks like I better prepare to immigrate.

'Course that map could change a little next week.

Utah Savage said...

It seems to be changing minute to minute. I loved your post today. I might want to link it to my site. Got to think on that. It's the best explanation of the way taxes are used. In Utah we pay tax on food. All food. That's got to be one of the most regressive taxes in the country. And we're supposed to be so pro-family here in the very very reddest state in the country. We have you guys beat babe. At least you have a significant black population.

Linda Sama said...

that was great!

susan said...

Yeah, being annexed sounds a lot more relaxing than having to pack once again.. and you described the benefits well.

Utah Savage said...

Susan, I followed that link and I owe you a credit. I hope I have something of value to offer you sometime for the stealing. Feel free.

susan said...

I just saw your note but not to worry since it's an idea that's been making the rounds for years. We found the map in 2004 and don't remember where but the story in your post is way better. I just thought it was funny seeing the picture again and linked.

Liberality said...

thanks for making me laugh. when I retire I might want some of that premo weed your talking about.

Kulkuri said...

The Old Lady keeps talking about moving back to the states when we retire. One thing you forgot to mention is that everyone in the Blue States would have health care while the Reds would be on their own.

Here in the land of Kudzu they tax food at 2% and everything else at 7 or 8%. But hey, Shameless wants to tax everything at 23% or more.

Nan said...

Unfair! I haven't been to Dollywood yet and once we secede I might not be able to get the proper visas.

Utah Savage said...

Here they tax food at the usual rate of &.75%. Mormons always vote against their own self-interest. That's why the state government is chock full of them. But in Salt Lake, we have a democrat in the mayor's office and most of our city council.

Sylvia K said...

I live in WA so I'm here and ready! Great post! glad I found you, it was a round about trip, but I'll be back.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

thank god you are a plagiarism supporter, because I lifted this and posted it on a discussion board I know. Many people applauded, and you may even get some new readers out of it! lol

Stargirl said...

Oh please don't give up on us. I'm from Missouri and I'm taking election day off to knock on doors to get out the vote. There are many of us in the Red States who who would have to immigrate north. Hope you're not planning on building a wall because i would jump it.

Ingrid said...

sure..throw this babe out with the bathwater..we're holdin' down the fort here, just so you know..in the thick of it no less!

Ingrid