Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Impenetrable

I mentioned somewhere, sometime that there was a boy.... A boy in my long distant past... A boy I grabbed and dragged home and undressed and spent a day with, rolling around skin to skin in my parent's bed... Oh yes I did. I tried to seduce a boy. We tried to have real grown up sex. He was willing and able. I was eager and more than willing. My recollection is that we tried almost all day. And it was I who dragged him home with me. But despite my wanting and trying, I was not able. We were young and inexperienced in the other ways one might have sex without the actual penetration. I didn't understand anything about sex. Oh yeah, there were the years of Daddy rolling around in bed with me, with his erection and my child's body, but despite all those years of trying, even Daddy was unable to penetrate me in the vaginal way. I was impenetrable. I was a fortress. And anything Daddy did, I did not want to do with this boy. I wanted it to be new and mine, I wanted it to be ours alone.

Now I live as if I were a prisoner in my own well-constructed cell. I call it "The Bunker" or "The Cottage" depending on the season and my mood. It is guarded by locked gates and scary dogs. And I invite so few in. My cell is large for a prison, but small for a home. Yesterday my friends from New York were here. She is tiny, but he is very tall. I notice most how small my space is when a man stands in my small cell.

When I moved into the little house two years ago I planned to die here. I wanted to finish the book, Maggy, and then.... I saw my life as leading nowhere. I saw myself choosing to leave life in my own time, in my own way. I had no room in my small life for men. Even the husbands of women I know have little importance in my real life. They are, to be honest, little more than minor annoyances to me. He says he needs her today, so she can't come over. He is either her excuse or an impediment to some fun we want to have. Oh yes, he is a real man, who is probably interesting in his own way, but for me he is only an impediment. I think of men as needy. In my past with men they have been that. They have wanted me for one reason or another but in the end I have become little more than the cleaning woman and a captive audience. I don't like to clean house for just me. Why would I want to be anyone else's cleaning lady? Now I have no time to be the audience of one for a man who wants my undivided time and attention. I'd rather read. And yet...

The boy is now an old man. He has lived almost all his life near to me in one way or another. We have lived in far flung places now and then yet near to one another, not knowing. During the years my photograph graced the pages of the Newspaper and ads and catalogues, he lived a few blocks from me. He married twice and raised two sons he had with his first wife, and then the two daughters his second wife brought with her into their marriage. He loves his children and keeps in touch with them. Isn't life mysterious?

He read my letter to the editor in the early days of the Presidential Primary. He googled me and found my blog. He read for almost a year and then he emailed me. We now talk on the phone. He started a blog so he can comment. He joined twitter. He read the novel. I think I'm being courted. So what do I want now? Am I willing to even explore the possibilities? The question for me is, am I still impenetrable?

33 comments:

okjimm said...

// am I still impenetrable? //

Gees, get to the tough questions right away. I settled for bullet proof..... it still leaves me vulnerable if they aim at my head. What is life if you can't dodge bullets once in awhile?

Utah Savage said...

Okjimmm, I wonder if my heart hasn't turned to stone? I'm pretty sure I'm now officially a virgin again. I haven't paid the slightest attention to either the hearts or the bodies little wants or needs. Fuck them, they betrayed me in the past or I wouldn't have three ex-husbands and a few ex-lovers in my past.

MRMacrum said...

Only you can answer that question. All anyone else can do is ask to come in. But you have to open the door.

pidomon said...

funny how life sometimes (most times i guess) seems to be a big circle.

i don't know much but i know if you can open yourself up to us there's a chance maybe you can open yourself to him if that is what you choose.

but in the end it's your choice and what little i do know is you are one great person.

Ghost Dansing said...

figure out what you're comfortable with and establish the boundaries you need..... here's a song you might like..... Willie and Nora

themom said...

There are three excellent comments. I'm right with you on one thing...I refer to myself as a "born again virgin." Believe it or not, I like it that way. If this is meant to be a meaningful "friendship", don't shy away. You are a lovely lady, intelligent, and only you can make the decision. It appears to be a light going on in your dark little corner.

Comrade Kevin said...

Um...

You're only as impenetrable as you feel?

Beach Bum said...

I agree with MRMacrum,only you can answer that question.

Lisa said...

Only you can know. I would say follow your instincts, but that sounds like a cop out. I'm an "ask the question" kind of person. For good or bad, I tend to try and reap the rewards or pay the price after.

You know, though, no matter what, nothing comes with a guarantee. Not even being alone.

Linda-Sama said...

"I think I'm being courted. So what do I want now? Am I willing to even explore the possibilities? The question for me is, am I still impenetrable?"

listen to your yoga teacher sister...go with the flow. detach from the outcome. it is what is and all you have, all any of us have, is the Now.

listen, honey -- a man came back into my life 5 years ago, we were together for a short time when I was 20 and he was 30. He's loved me for 35 freakin' years. I won't go into it, but he is still in my life. Now. we have both detached from any outcomes. and it is what it is.

La Belette Rouge said...

It sounds emotionally open to me:
1) Your blog is honest,open and available.
2) You have your novel out which reveals so much of who you are and is so honest and open and generous( I think it is generous to have your novel available).
3) You are asking the question which shows an openness to discovery.
I say live the question and see what answers you find.

darkblack said...

He's not your father...Whatever you do and whatever you give is for him alone.

;>)

Mauigirl said...

Catching up here -

Very interesting dilemma, Utah. I hope whatever the outcome is, that it makes you happy. I hope you are able to open up to the possibilities that are apparently being offered.

Utah Savage said...

Darkblack, how succinctly said.

Linda sister Sama, I do know that what you say is true. In the moment, without attachment to outcomes. The only way to live.

Pido, how sweet you are.

Ghost, I'll use that. Thanks.

TheMom, it takes an old virgin to believe that it's possible to become an old virgin again.

Kevin, I'm missing you. Glad you said that, if that's the case, then I'm pretty impenetrable. Like a turtle. Or an armadillo.

La Belette Rouge, he knows a great deal about me. I know only what I've asked in a couple of long phone calls. But what I know I like. And we share the same bad habits. There is some comfort in that. If we ever did have sex, I wouldn't get sent out on the porch to smoke my post coital cigarette.

MRMacrum, I've turned away from anyone who might ask to come in, until now. I just might surprise myself this time. He was the sweetest seventeen year old boy. Gentle, kind, patient, and goodnatured. And apparently he hasn't held a grudge.

Lisa, I thought the only thing that came with a guarantee was being alone.

Kulkuri said...

A lot of good advice, but in the end it is for you to decide.

simstone said...

It has taken me a long time but I have finally come to the realization why you totally piss me off so often ... because I see in your narcissistic and arrogant ways a version of the things I hate about myself. You (actually your writings)are a mirror of the stone cold hardness that I can palpably feel forming within myself almost daily. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a reciprocal feeling, yes?

Though I can only tolerate you in small doses, I find myself returning every few days so I can purge myself a little more by reading your writings. I greatly appreciate the candor and brutal honesty in which you write.

I hope that my honesty with you will, in some way, be equally, though silently, acknowledged. You may be the nearest person that I have ever come across in which I would say that the connection that I sense with you, though normally antagonistic, is one in which I have come to realize more about the fragility of our humanness than with anyone else that comes to mind.

Keep it up.

Utah Savage said...

Simstone, the red handprint on the side of my face is still visible. I must have needed that slap. And yes, you are right. You and I are a lot alike. You may not like it, I may not like it, but there you have it.

And thanks for the backhanded compliment. Your wish that it be,
"....silently acknowledged" is not possible for me to do. I write. I write publicly about private, personal things. I know you see yourself in me. We do share a certain arrogance. It is seen as strength in a man, and bitchery in a woman. I can live with that, mistress of the bitch slap that I am. And even though your admiration is grudging, I thank you for expressing it.

Randal Graves said...

If you two are gonna fight, use spitballs.

I have no insightful commentary on your dilemma, obviously.

giggles said...

oh...this post breaks my heart....

And the thought that jumps into my head after reading all of the replies and noodling a bit, is "Can you still feel?" If you can still feel, I feel hope for you........

Utah Savage said...

Giggles, that is the question isn't it? I can feel enough to sob over what I've lost, missed out on, long for but wonder if the longing isn't better than the possibility. I am an uncensored woman now. I ask the questions no one wants to hear asked of them. I ask them of myself. I speculate, I push and pull. I flirt and think I'm safe to flirt in my old woman's skin. Who in his right mind would want this? This begs the question, is he in his right mind? Lolita is dead, but is she buried? Does the girl flirt with the boy in the guise of an old woman flirting with the boy who still lives in the old man? Does any of this make sense? Life is mysterious, no?

giggles said...

Yipes...you are waaaaaaay deep, woman!! Keep on keepin' on, I say, until you're six feet under... Live life to it's fullest, with no regrets.... Moi, je ne regret rien?! Easier said than done... and I think regrets (italics needed) are different than the "what if's" we ask ourselves.... And lucky you (maybe) one of those what if's has come back to find out??!!

Ya know....you were dealt one shit , no more than one, shitty hand.... Time to trade some of those cards in for some new ones and see what you can make of them...?

Flirt away, you...Let him get to know who you have grown into being now... Share with him your, well, whatever you will, but without the sex, first....(unless all you want is sex..then, well, go right ahead...as if you need my permission!) One of your readers said somewhere that sex changes everything.... and sex and love are different.....

From my point of view you have nothing to lose...and I don't mean that as a back handed compliment or as a slap of any kind.... I figure we're on this earth to experience as much as we can....enjoy the ride! I've been saying to myself lately, "My time on this earth ain't gettin' any longer!" If he's scared or whatever you are afraid will happen if you share yourself with him....well...it wasn't right after all....and do your best not to take all of that shitty old baggage with you...Darkblack is so very right....

giggles said...

OK, then....the short answer is... not if you don't wanna be.... ;-)

Stella said...

Yes, I'm voting for darkblack's comment, too. Celebacy has its joys, too. What's your gut telling you? That's my judge and jury. I've learned to trust my stomach over the years.

an average patriot said...

Utah you are always a treasure. I am seriously hetero but I find most men to be an insult to manhood including all Trice's friends husbands. I do the cooking, I do the cleaning, I wash the clothes because I like my cooking I know how to take care of myself and do. The woman is to live for, please, and enjoy as a partner!

darkblack said...

'It is seen as strength in a man, and bitchery in a woman.'

Or rampant assholery in a man, and alluring assertiveness in a woman.

YMMV

;>)

Utah Savage said...

Darkblack, have I told you lately that I love you. Thanks. I needed that. After Simstone got through with me I felt rather bad.

I do trust this sweet man. But the logistics of getting together with him are a tiny problem--he lives an hour away. I don't travel that far from home. He does, but my place is tiny. We could meet in neutral territory, but that means, no smoking and out in PUBLIC! I hate people in general, though they are usually nice to me, still...

darkblack said...

Go for a nature walk, you can smoke. It sort of defeats the theoretical purpose, but the local fauna won't mind unless they're finks for Smokey Bear.

;>)

susan said...

I'm in no position to have an opinion one way or the other in this matter but I think you're extra brave in posing the question right out here where you know he's reading your about your doubts and all our comments as well. You grow more beautiful by the day, Utah.

I do know a problem for me would be proximity. It's so much easier to fantasize a relationship once we're older and wounded than it is to step wide-eyed into a real one.. just down the road.

Utah Savage said...

Susan, this might be the equivalent of dancing naked on the bar. I have been telling far too much about myself for so long now, I can't seem to stop. As you can see from Simstone's comment, not everyone is exactly charmed with my dancing. But that sweet boy grown old has been reading for a quite awhile and so far he isn't running away.

linda said...

utah, I think this is fabulous! and like the wise susan says, he's been reading your blog for an age so what doesn't he know that will surprise him? and he's seen you so no surprises there and you are gorgeous anyway, you know you are, so just relax, walk, smoke, drink wine, eat and relax again...it will go just as it's supposed to and it's my guess, he's not ready to jump into bed with you again, even if you do drag him there, which you won't, now that you are both all grown up and dignified... and hello again, been lurking as you scare me...you asked a question, I need to answer as I was probably THE one who quit reading...
X

Utah Savage said...

Linda, fear not, you were not the only one who quit reading, I promise. MrMacrum was reading and the going got rough, reminding him of his own childhood and he had to quit. He started again and stopped again. There is something that stops a reader and it would help so much to know what it is, so I can excise it from the book. I don't want to miss out on the chance to get it published. So....? Help!

linda said...

well, not going to go there again, but in thinking back, it was plainly too triggering for me because of my own past...I remember thinking ~ I didn't need this, been there, done that, not going there or there or here or or or.

it was so good, fascinating and I didn't want to but I HAD to so perhaps it may need something but on the other hand, those who have not ever experienced this crap, may be completely, must I say it, fascinated?

not sure if that helps but those are what I remember my feelings being...

Utah Savage said...

Thanks Linda. I know that's hard, the request, the answer. It is, in a way, the reason for the book. So to cloud that frame would be to make it less real, less visceral. I have removed chapters, but mostly later in the book. To make it more Maggy's book. She's the mystery woman.