Sunday, February 8, 2009

Head Shrinking All Day Monday

So in my absence, I will leave you with a bit of Utah trivia. Utah is the number one consumer of antidepressant medications in the nation. Yes, the happy valley isn't so very happy. I wonder why the Mormon life isn't as satisfying as it's cracked up to be? That's a rhetorical question.

Another little factoid. I have a friend who has a friend who is the oldest of forty children. Yes, you read that right--forty fucking children! His father only needed three wives to reach this startling number of offspring. Two of his three wives had sixteen each. Yes, dears, each of these two women bore sixteen children the old fashioned way--one at a time, out her vagina. Now think of the number of cousins this man must have.

I have a friend who grew up in a modest sized polygamist family, but her daughter has thousands of cousins. Yes, thousands as in many thousands. Three or four I believe, but this is kind of like billions of dollars, after you get to the b for billion, what's a few hundred b and s for billions more?

I have had to postpone my date with Cal for a day. He was perfectly charming about it. I have a plumbing problem. Of course this plumbing problem would be in my sparkling and probably sterile as an operating theatre bathroom. The rooter guys will tromp in with their wet muddy boots and stand in my tub to root that drain, and I will have to start over. I'll need all day Tuesday to clean up after them if I'm lucky enough to get scheduled for Tuesday. And so far in the big room, the one I live in, the one with the big brass bed in the middle of it, I have only gotten around to the cupboard and drawer cleaning. I've had two dogs full time as the snow melts and the mud gets a little squishier. It comes into the house caked between their toes. The rugs and the floor will have to be cleaned after Melea gets home tomorrow night from her vacation. Then I won't have Roscoe for a day and will have a better chance of actually getting the floor clean and possibly having it remain that way for maybe 24 hrs with minor paw cleaning. And I'll be changing the bed at the last minute just because. Wipe that smirk off your face. He might feel faint and want to lie down. I am cooking you know.

Then there is the cooking. Since I have postponed my date with Cal for another day, I will need to shop again. By Wednesday, the strawberries will have wilted and so will my lilies. I may change the menu anyway. Not everyone loves eggplant.


linda said...

I am excited for details..really!! are sharing details, right???

Dan Rosa said...


"I wonder why the Mormon life isn't as satisfying as it's cracked up to be? That's a rhetorical question."

That was f-ing hilarious.

Good luck with Cal!!!

Tengrain said...

Utah -

I doubt very much that your "strawberries and lillies" have ever wilted.



Kulkuri said...

When I was trucking I talked with a driver from Utah. He was describing his recent loads, he would haul potatoes or something from Utah to Tejas and hual back a load of beer. Every trip back to Utah was beer or alcohol of some kind from a number of different states.

MRMacrum said...

Sounds to me finally hooking up with Cal would save you some money in the long run.

La Belette Rouge said...

Ooh, I love this post. I am a huge fan of Big Love. I got a big kick that the main character on Big Love has to take Viagra to keep up with all his wives. I wonder what polygamists did before Viagra?
As I was raised as an only child(complicated story) and have no cousins I cannot wrap my mind around having 4 siblings let alone 40.

I too look forward to an update.

Lisa said...

I think I might need to join you for head shrinking. When you wrote about plumbing issues and then described the much and mayhem involved with the rooter guy(s), all I could think was "thank goodness it's only her sterile tile bathroom that's getting that kind of treatment!"

You may twitter me later with reprimands for impure thoughts.

Gail said...

Having been to Utah and gotten lost on the maze of highways I think that is why folks need so much medication! :-)

I love eggplant. My favorite Aunt? The one I mentioned who said, "........and this too shall pass", well, her eggplant parm is the best. I have her secret recipe and will share it with you if you like.

Love, Gail

Utah Savage said...

Gail, send it pronto! I may need to do a little more shopping. Lilies and all. You know how it is. In the old days, I would have tossed all my old lingerie and replaced it with new sexier undies, spending at least a couple of hundred dollars. Now I will spend my money on food and drink and flowers. With any luck my undies will be quickly shed and left on the floor in a tiny heap. I don't think he'll be checking out the undies when he has a naked woman to look at. This might be the very definition of maturity.

Utah Savage said...

All that said, I'm still cleaning my house even thought the men amongst you have told me he won't be giving the house the white glove test for dust.

Comrade Kevin said...

Mormons sound like Catholics on steroids.

Amos said...

Utah is causing me to have carnal thoughts.

Utah Savage said...

I hope you're enjoying them Amos

Gail said...

Hi Utah - here it is - I just got back on my computer:

One large egg plant - peeled.

Slice it very thin - end to end.

Put flour, salt and pepper in a
plastic bag and toss the egg plant slices in and shake until coated - throw in a handful at a time otherwise they all don't coat evenly.

Mix several eggs, water to thin, salt pepper, some garlic powder and italian seasoning in a bowl. mix well and add enough paprika to 'darken' the egg mixture.(this is what makes them fry to a beautiful golden brown).. :-)

heat your skillet and coat in oil.

dip the floured egg plant slices in the egg mixture and fry until golden brown on each side ( add more oil as needed) - set fried slices aside on paper towel.

your marinara sauce should be warm. you will need about 2 cups or so.

put some sauce on the bottom of a 9x9 baking dish.

run each slice of fried egg plant through the sauce in your pot. don't pour sauce over the egg plant - you just run it through, shake off a bit and place in baking dish.

sprinkle a little parmesian cheese(just a little or it dries out the eggplant)

continue dippin-and layering.

cover pan with foil - heat @350 degrees for about 25 minutes -


Love Gail

Utah Savage said...

Mille Grazie Gail.

The Crow said...

Nearly spit tea all over the keyboard when I read that your lilies have wilted. One of my favorite songs is by the group Saffire the Uppity Blues Women, titled "Shake the Dew Off the Lily." It's from their Broad Casting album. ( for a clip.

You go, girl!

The Crow said...

PS: if you visit their site, listen to the clip "Tomorrow Ain't Promised."