Monday, February 9, 2009

I'm a Little Shorter, But Good To Go

There was no cautionary tale, no warnings of dire consequences. There were lots of questions. Like, "Do you have an agenda?"

Yes, yes I do.

Are you willing to compromise?

Hummm, maybe. It depends on the compromise. I've done an awful lot of compromising. I thought I was through with men. I thought my libido had died. I was fine with that. I'm happy in my own company. But I have never been loved by a man in a way that was satisfying to me. I just might have the chance, at last. I think I'm ready. But who knows? We have yet to meet again.

Can you be vulnerable?

Hummm. (eyes widen) That's a very good question. So far this a prolonged flirtation. Chemistry is so mysterious. When we were young there was plenty of chemistry but so little knowledge. Now there is a lot of knowledge, a lot of experience, but we are mysterious creatures, wounded, carrying baggage. How can I know without an embrace with my face against his skin, maybe against his neck, where the pulse pounds, maybe then I'll know more. But I like him. I love our history and it's absence. I'm glad I disappeared after that one long afternoon forty nine years ago and left him wanting. But that has been my history with every man in my life. I was left by two fathers, three brothers, one boyfriend. That seemed like set in stone pattern to me at that age. I would never let it happen again. I could see the writing on the wall. I never loved a man who took me seriously, or supported my passion for something other than him. I was conquest, accessory, prey, the cleaning lady and cook, the laundress, but never valued as a women with strength worthy of respect. Never valued for my talent as a writer. Never read. Cal has been reading. I don't hold back much in the blog. I pretty much tell all--at least what interests me, what pisses me off, what I worry about. It's all political one way or another.

Can you give a little?

I can probably give quite a lot. The question should be, will I want to?

11 comments:

Liberality said...

you seem as if you are open to a new experience and that may be all that you need to start this new adventure.

Utah Savage said...

That was pretty much the consensus today. Thanks Lib.

pidomon said...

me thinks you are already giving a lot which is why Cal kept reading.

Utah Savage said...

Oh Pido you sweet talking lizard you.

dana wyzard said...

I came here after seeing BBC knocking you around on MrMacrums site. I figured you couldn't be all that bad if he was taking aim at you like he has me.

My slight insight after reading your words of being abandoned. Do not, ever, ever, place your happiness completely in someone else's control.

PENolan said...

That you are remotely considering the question of giving (vs. protective isolation) suggests to me that you already want to.

Utah Savage said...

Dana, I have lived alone so long and have been so sure I would never do anything that dumb ever again. But then I know from past experience that when I try too hard to control anyone other than myself and even that's iffy, I'm making a mistake. Let life happen. I'm pretty much my own person. I plan to remain my own person. But I'm thinking it might be nice to cook a meal for a man. I plan to be gentle. He's a gentle man, he was a gentle boy.

PENolan, so glad you dropped by to reassure me. Enabler or insightful friend? I chose to believe the later.

susan said...

I think it's very wonderful and remarkable that Cal was reading your work while continuing to stay in the background. It's quite likely you both hold a lot of delightful surprises in store for each other.

Randal Graves said...

I hope he's not a Republican, because that would be quite an undelightful surprise.

Utah Savage said...

He has a group he gets together with every Thursday night--The Orphan's Club. The only requirement is that they are Democrats. He lives in a town called Payson, not far from Provo, where the Mormon University Brigham Young University is located. It is the heart of "The Happy Valley." Probably the county where the most antidepressants are sold in all of America. There are only 7 members of the Orphan's Club. They have been meeting for years--I think of them as the Resistance.

Comrade Kevin said...

You are self-aware and going into this with your eyes open. That bodes well for the future.