Tuesday, February 3, 2009

It's A Fairy Tale Romance

I've told you bits and pieces in posts and comments about Cal, the boy I met at his brother's coffee house in 1960. I was barely sixteen, he was barely eighteen. It was his older brother (married and with children) who hit on me, but it was Cal who I chose to drag home to my parent's empty house for the purpose of having sex with a very sweet real boy. He was gentle, kind, patient, willing and in the end probably in a great deal of pain, if the stories of blue balls are true. I was the first girl he'd been naked in bed with. He was the first boy I'd been naked in bed with. (My daddy did not count and it was because of my experience with my daddy that I so wanted to have a normal experience of sex with a real boy) I was not the first girl Cal had sex with, but the first girl who really wanted to have sex with him but who wasn't able to have sex with him.

It was the very early trauma of those years of sex with daddy that made sex with Cal impossible. I eventually had to get medical help for the problem for the clamped down muscles that would not allow me to even use a tampon. My body did not want to be penetrated by anything. My body had a mind of it's own and was determined to remain virginal if not technically a virgin.

Now, 49 years later the boy is an old man and the girl is an old woman. He has been married twice, raised two of his own children, and two of his second wife's children. He's lived in the same house for thirty years. Prior to that he lived within a few blocks of me and used to see my photos in the newspaper modeling. He recognized me. This in itself amazes me. So close and yet so far.

Then a year ago he read my letter to the editor in the newspaper and googled me where he found my blog. He started reading and read for a full year before he emailed me. That is a patient man. That is a loyal man. And of all the men I've ever known, he is the first to read my novel. And at breakneck speed. He finished it the day I took it off the blog.

We have been talking on the phone now for weeks. I am again the aggressor in this odd relationship. But he seems fine with that. I ask very personal questions and he answers without thinking for the answer I might most want to hear. He says he can't lie to me. I'm hoping that's true. I believe that intimacy is impossible where honesty is withheld.

I thought I was through with men. I thought I was again impervious, sexless, disinterested, over it all. I might be wrong about that. There might be a bit of romance left in this old woman's heart. I'll keep you posted.

29 comments:

Gail said...

Hi Utah-
Oh my this is all so beautiful, not the 'daddy stuff' but you and Cal and the past and now present and possible future. And again, you find the perfect song to match your world (and no, I never herd the song and I loved it!)
I am SO intrigued and I felt quite good reading this.
Love Gail
peace.....

Utah Savage said...

Gail, This is a good omen--your interest, your approval, and your liking the song. All good.

Amos said...

Cal is a very lucky guy.

Amos said...

And he probably watched every movie with Capucine in the cast.

Utah Savage said...

Cal is a good man, and a good man is hard to find. No jokes please, about the hard man being a good find. It isn't sex I have on my mind these days. Cal may or may not be relieved to hear this, considering our ages and all. I'm not ruling it out, but it isn't what matters to me at this point in my life. I want a friend I can love. I think Cal might be that guy.

giggles said...

Oh, how sweet and loverly.... My guess is that you have many, many people rooting for the two of you....

Ghost Dansing said...

tell him....

:)

Utah Savage said...

Hi Ghost, I have told him.

themom said...

There you go, tugging at my heart strings. What a lovely thing to happen - and so uplifting for your morale and spirits. I think it is just what the doctor ordered. One day at a time....

Utah Savage said...

So far we haven't actually met. Except that one time so long ago. I hate to leave my house, so I plan to invite him over, however it will take me several days of hard labor to get my house clean enough and myself groomed and such. You know how it is. Vanity and old age.

Lisa said...

Now this is the kind of story that I can follow and follow and follow. What fun to get reacquainted with someone from your past.

Beach Bum said...

...it will take me several days of hard labor to get my house clean enough...

Speaking with the certainty of experience the house will be the last thing he will concerned about.

Utah Savage said...

Lisa, Beach, you made me tear up. I'm doing a lot of that these days. Thanks. You're sweet. And what you say about a man's take on things is like the word of god to me. I think you know your gender well.

pidomon said...

wanted to say something deep and thoughtful but you know me.
Cal seems like a good person as are you. i wish you whatever you want out of this new/old relationship.

Steve Emery said...

I wanted to hold my breath the whole time I read this. So perfectly wonderful, and as unlikely as rainbows, yet they happen every day somewhere. It's your turn. You waited a long time for this.

So did he.

darkblack said...

Well, good.

Now don't screw it up, or else.

;>)

Liberality said...

wow. I am happy for you both and hope it works out the way you want it to.

Utah Savage said...

Ahh, the men weigh in. I will do my best not to screw it up. I promise. I am laughing very hard right now. You all know Cal is reading your best wishes for him. I can hear him cheering from 60 miles away.

Utah Savage said...

Hi Lib. I want a lot. That's a lot of pressure on a man.

susan said...

As a Crow flies, it's an even shorter distance :-)

kathleenmaher said...

Utah, I didn't get to read all of your novel. I did read some of it--the part involving your father or stepfather.
And as sweet as this revived relationship is, I can't get past being furious about how you were abused and its godawful aftermath.
How you've managed is a wonder.

Utah Savage said...

Hi Susan. Did you know we have anther crow in the flock? Really, she is now following me, and wrote a lovely piece describing in great detail, the mating ritual of the crow as Spanish dancing. Quite lovely. I used to soar, now I feel rather earth bound. An old coyote at best, living in an urban neighborhood and doing it rather well if strangely. Still just a little bit savage, still a little wild.

Utah Savage said...

Kathleen, thank you for that. I think now that everyone is dead and gone, I'm pretty much healed. Except for the thing about never having been loved by a man who didn't treat me badly. I wonder if all women who make those kinds of choices haven't all been sexually abused as kids. It's so common I think it's almost the norm. That's horrifying isn't it? And really, I'm pretty amazed I'm alive myself. You aren't the only one wondering. Therapy and drugs. My answer to every question.

MRMacrum said...

It ain't over until the fat lady sings. Follow it where it leads. What the Hell else do you have going anyway? If nothing elses it would seem you have found an old flame who will be at least a new friend who accepts you for what you are. That in itself seems pretty damn special.

Randal Graves said...

Damn you mrmacrum, you beat me to it. See where it goes. If it works, groovy. If not, no harm no foul, unless there was harm and in either case, good or bad, there will be blog fodder.

Linda-Sama said...

just enjoy, sis. live in the Now and detach from the outcome. as a Buddhist, I believe all things happen for a reason and there is a reason that people float in and out of our lives, all our life.

"That is a patient man. That is a loyal man"

a man came back into my life 5 years ago. we were together for a short time over 30 years again when I was 20 and he was 30. I know why he found me (damn the internet!), I no longer question why. I won't go into details, but he too is a patient man, and loyal. we are shakti/shiva, that is all I need to say...yet, we are not together and can not be. for now.

sitenoise said...

Imagine he invited you over to his house and there were dozens of his friends already there, and you knew they were going to be there. Kind of tough.

Utah Savage said...

Phillip, he seems to be enjoying all of this. He has been a loyal and silent reader for a damn long time. And he is letting me set the pace and name the time and place. We have a date scheduled. I will not have the web cam on. I bought Chianti today. I'm looking forward to whatever this turns out to be. Day by day, So far, it's been a lot of fun. And as he reads what we all say, he has his say, and cheers yours. He started a blog so he could comment. He's here.

Utah Savage said...

But then again, Phillip, you are right. I wouldn't be able to do it.