Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"It's Just A Simple Meme", He Said. And Then He Was Gone

But it has rules. Yes, there are always rules. This is painful, as I am unruly. And if you are squeemish and under 21 do not peek at some of the links herein. You will be offended. Oh well, here are the rules:

The Rules
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

The big Ape thinks of me now and then. I can die happy now knowing that. Yes I know I am a blog slut, but it's very safe sex because it's all in my mind. Okay, here goes.

1. I should be writing a book about the farting behavior of Americans. It's very strange. I'm not willing to give you details here, since you might try to scoop me, snigger, snigger.
(Well, one little tidbit). There is a huge Asian market for women farting. Honest to god, it's true. I know this because on one of Tom's overly long visits, he spent a great deal of time looking at either "Natural and Hairy Eastern European Naked Women" or Asian women farting. I thought the farting site was hilarious. I could laugh endlessly knowing that guys were getting off on the sound and sight of mooning farting Japanese women, probably due to a cultural tabu that keeps most women from ever farting in, say, Japan, for instance. Ring any bells with any of you repressed American women? Did you know that we all fart in our sleep? That should make you cringe if you are so repressed that farting is not part of the fun of your animal life. This is a bit horrifying, but in looking for fart sites, Utah Savage is right up there on top of the fart sites for Google.

2. I have trouble reading when I'm working on my own writing. But I am gluttonously, obscenely well read. There have been so many prolonged periods when I did nothing else but read, as if it were my job. I used to complain that there should be a professional career path for the obsessive reader. And I'm a literary snob. I admit it. There are certain writers I will not read unless I absolutely must. Like Stephen King, for instance. I hate his writing. I once had a small part in The Stand. I had to read that one. It was gawd awful.

3. The Unconventional Conventionist and I have a close personal relationship and we sometimes talk on the phone for hours. He was my first real blog crush. What do we talk about? I'll never tell.

4. My first boyfriend and I are still close. I was twelve and he was almost sixteen when I fell in love with him. We never had sex. He is coming to Salt Lake soon, like maybe this week end and we will see each other. Last time I saw him was just before I moved back to Salt Lake from Santa Barbara. I drove to Portland to see him. I stayed with him and my favorite of his wives. He and I played backgammon for hours. I was on a winning streak. He considers himself a very good player and continued to tell me that my last move was a mistake even though I was four or five games ahead of him. I went off on him. I though his insistence that I was not as skilled a player as he was terribly arrogant and condescending. Then I spent the next day and a half sobbing and unable to talk about why. It was a kind of epic grief and I haven't quite lived down the embarrassment of not being able to stop crying or explain why.

5. I worked for a professional gambler when I was putting the third husband through graduate school. The professional gambler was the one who taught me to play backgammon. I'm a pretty good player. Not great, but pretty good. Take that Larry.

6. I've mentioned this in passing, but I have a girlfriend who grew up in a Polygamist family. So I know details about the polygamists portrayed in the HBO Special Big Love which is based on the Colorado City group and it's Prophet, Warren Jeffs. Some of the shit they believe is hilarious. It's material for me, so I'm not talking about details now. Oh the hilarity of it all. And the generational cost, psychologically speaking. It is rich material. Magic underpants is the least of it.

So I now tag 1. Lady F, 2. Wee Mousie, 3. MRMacrum, 4. TheMom, 5. Bubs, 6. Sunshine

22 comments:

MRMacrum said...

Got your tag, and yeah, that is a Helluva way to pay me back. I will just assume it is a compliment. Hmm, six random things? Is anything really random?

Lady F said...

My eyes! I had to click on that link about hairy women! Thanks, Utah.

Bubs said...

The fart fetish stuff is hilarious. An email was circulating a while ago among my coworkers of a video clip titled "Brazilian fart fetish" and it was some Brazilian models (I'm assuming because they looked Latina but spoke Portuguese) farting on each other.

The pro gambler you mention--what was his game of choice? The only gamblers I've ever seen that actually make any kind of living off of it are either poker players or hardcore sports bettors.

I will attend to this tag shortly.

Randal Graves said...

All of you are deviants. Beyond magical underpants? Magical skillets? Magical condoms?

Utah Savage said...

My pro gambler boss was into it all. I played poker, backgammon, bet on everything, and had police protection. He called himself "The Fat Bald Jew." Bubs, you have just given me the idea for my next blog post. Thanks.

I told you all to cover your eyes, and not click those links if you were squeamish. Let the peeker beware.

Utah Savage said...

MRMacrum, take it as a compliment. I need to know a few random things about the men I have blog crushes on.

Lisa said...

I marvel at the things you've read. And now I'm glad to know you're considering a book on American farting. That should be a hoot! Or a toot.

sunshine said...

Alright Utah! I've finished mine!
Laura

Utah Savage said...

Sorry I've been unavailable today, I have painters in the house. I will check in later, but I'm proud of you courageous people brave enough to have read this very naughty meme. And if I tagged you, I'll be checking up on you as soon as I can.

Comrade Kevin said...

I don't think bodily functions are taboo as much as I find references or jokes about them kind of puerile and childish. Maybe I should lighten up, because as Peter Sellers said, "I think you're puerile if you DON'T laugh at them".

Naj said...

huhhaah, you are good at Backgammon ... we must have a match! :)

themom said...

As usual, just reading your post makes me laugh. I took up the challenge and it is now completed. Thanks again.

Utah Savage said...

You guys are great and very brave. I hope I haven't offended too many of you.

Kevin, I love that quote. And I agree with it. Sorry if I tweaked you, but often the best comedy is offensive to a lot of people. I do plan to examine the horror so many people have about the most natural of bodily functions. This sensitivity is of great interest to me. And wherever we run into a tabu, we run into our most basic animal selves. This does not mean that I think all tabus are to be violated, but the things we all do as part of just being alive, ought not be tabu for only one sex. And I know too many women who claim to never ever fart in front of their significant other. This seems to me to be ridiculous and unfair. The fairer sex farts too, no matter how much we pretend otherwise.

Ghost Dansing said...

i don't feel strange anymore..... that is definitely strange and thanks to that data point, i am now well within two standard deviations from the norm.....

Jang-chub Ozer said...

Looking forward to the farting book - cultural anthropology is an under appreciated field. Please keep us posted!

darkblack said...

I think the fart book's got legs...Imagine that, a fart with legs.

;>)

sunshine said...

A childrens author, Robert Munch, wrote a book called "Good Families Don't". One of my childrens favorite "fart" books. Of course we also love Walter The Farting Dog. Let's face it. Farts are funny!
Not sure I'd ever be aroused by one though. That's kind of odd...
Laura

MRMacrum said...

I clicked the link to the farting Asian women. Hmm. What does that mean I wonder? I gotta say, I am daily reminded just how much of a boring guy I really am. Fart fetishes? Hairy women? Amputee turn ons? Plate Jobs? None of this existed in my world until I began to travel the Internet. Is anyone normal out there?

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, good luck on defining normal. Well, off to have a good fart.

Utah Savage said...

MRMacrum, now I gotta know--what the hell is a "plate job?"

Mauigirl said...

This was great, loved the farting Japanese women! Who knew what perversions lurk in the heart of Man!

Seriously though I like to fart with the best of them!

Utah Savage said...

Mauigirl, I'm so glad you don't screw up your system pretending that women don't fart. You'd be surprised how many mature women have preserved this illusion about themselves. And think of the humor in it all. More fart posts to come.