Monday, April 20, 2009

But I Feel So Bla...

I worked myself into a frenzy, sweating enough to strip down to the wife-beater T shirt, yoga pants and Wellington's. I worked hard outside and in. I drank water as I worked. Now I ache in every bone and muscle. And though it's gorgeous outside I'm filled with lassitude. Is it me or is it bipolar disorder? It would be awful to slip into depression now, just when it's safe to go outside again. I'm just short of wanting to slip into a cottony sleep. And it just might be that the last three months of feeling sickish, are really the usual first symptoms of a mood swing. So many times after a long period of feeling good, I started feeling like I had a strength sucking virus. Tests would be done, even going so far as to an endocrinologist for a work up. And after months of tracking down the culprit, the final verdict would be depression. This is not the right season for depression. I don't want depression. I will not be depressed. But it creeps in on tiny cottony feet and saps your strength. It confuses you and makes you drift off course. I start one project and then notice another and am finally convinced before I do this big a job I will have to have a nap. But I yearn to be outside....

16 comments:

Sherry said...

yeah, depression does sneak around, slinking and oozing thru the floorboards.

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

I find being marooned in the Midlands of South Carolina depressing. All the suburban drones are out in force with weedeaters, leaf blowers, bags of extra strength fertilizer, and of course CO2 belching riding lawnmowers that cost as much as small cars.
I really need to get out of town!

Lisa said...

I hope you can find it in you to give in to your desire to be outside. I understand the depression, but I hope that it's just bone-tired physical exhaustion making you feel this way today.

themom said...

Don't give in...enjoy that outside beauty. Seasons are changing rapidly now and it's time to enjoy. That's what I'm going to do as soon as I get this house in order. Hopefully. :)

Steve said...

hope those tendrils sneak back out on their cottony paws and you spend as much time outside this spring as you want!

Liberality said...

Get out in the sun as much as you can. Sunlight is truly a mood enhancer and it's natural.

susan said...

I'm well aware that appearances can be deceiving so I hope you'll forgive me saying the picture of your garden in early spring looks too lovely for sadness. Then again, there are subtle triggers to our moods that can't be transferred or shut down at will.

Tengrain said...

Come frolic with me on the lawn at sunrise, we can dance a garland to the rising sun in the east.

Regards,

Tengrain

Utah Savage said...

Tengrain, you nearly stop my heart sometimes. I gasp at the end of a sentence like that from you and bloom with longing.

yellowdog granny said...

im too impatient to be depressed....i get depressed over something and in about 4 hours im like 'well, fuck this..this is boring, let's move on to something else, what's on the tv?'..

Randal Graves said...

I try to channel the depression into something creative. And if that doesn't work, there's always booze.

Kulkuri said...

Why do people insist on called a certain style of undershirt 'wifebeater tees'?? When did that become common usage?? While I am not a fan of that style of shirt, I also don't think it is a good idea to call them wifebeaters. I prefer to call them by the name they used to be called, 'Dago t-shirts' or 'Dago Tees'!! Just a thought.

Utah Savage said...

Kulkuri, I like that. Dago is a term white people call anyone who speaks Spanish or Italian isn't it? Sounds like someone will be insulted no matter what I call them.

Pagan Sphinx said...

Make yourself go outside. I'm trying to. I only want to go out when the sun is shining and it hasn't been. I've even been waking up early to try to get some sun because for the last three days, there have been some early morning shafts. By 9:00 they're gone.

I'm not much help, am I?

Utah Savage said...

Well, I have been making myself go outside. I have even made some progress cleaning up a bit. I got the cushions out and swept the floor of the gazebo. I'm almost ready for a party if a party presents itself.