Sunday, April 26, 2009

Cal, I'm Sorry

I have done something so casually cruel and careless that I can barely stand to be in the same room with myself. I have tossed off what I hope will be the last bitch slap of my entire life. I often do this with remarks about rightwing fundamentalists or other political types with whom I disagree. I think of this as snark, but maybe now is the time for me to give up snark as a form of expression. Since I have taken snark from the political to the very personal and in a most shallow and careless way, I have injured a man who did nothing more than attempt to befriend me. In this instance I have become my mother, and the feeling of having been possessed of my mother's lack of sensitivity for the feelings of others is almost too awful to bear. Cal, I'm sorry, and I know it's too late to take anything back. What I have said and done stands out starkly for me. I see the bitch who lives inside of me. It will require some very difficult work for me to exorcise this creature. She is not a woman I wish to be, much less live with. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I need to work very hard at learning the delicate art of friendship before I can trust myself to be kind and considerate enough to offer friendship to anyone. As it is, savage was truer a name for me than I ever realized before.

10 comments:

PENolan said...

Sending you a big, virtual hug. You're a very special big, bloggy sis to me - and even if you are a snarky, thoughtlessly cruel bitch sometimes when you're channeling your mother, some of those tossed off remarks have given me insight into my own BS and led me to stumble upon some grace.

Love and Light, Venus Savage, and don't hurt yourself while you're mood swinging.

Utah Savage said...

Yes dear.

yellowdog granny said...

friends will understand and forgive most of what you do if they are true friends...

Utah Savage said...

He barely knows me, but that doesn't excuse my behavior.

SarahA said...

It shows great strength to say 'sorry' and to recognize such. Hey we all slip up at one time or another. Me more than most! Ha!

NeitherHereNorThere said...

Been reading your blog quietly for months now and loving it. Had to respond to this particular post. Going through similar situation now and recognizing coming out of self contained, decade old, emotional shell is very hard. Lots of missteps and foot shooting is occuring. Apologies have been sent and have taken only one step back. Refusing to retreat from growth and new knowledge. Just trying to let myself become a human being again.

sunshine said...

(((Hugs)))
Hope that everything works out okay!
Laura

Amos said...

I'm thinkin Cal's yellow pony tail unleashed the Savage and once out she goes back in the bottle on her own time.
I'm thinkin no apology is necessary because he knows you have a good heart.
I'm thinkin that when Zion dries out he would be more than happy to show you his chain saw tricks.
Stop beating yourself up, I'm sure he is very fond of you.
I'm just sayin...

darkblack said...

Cut that shit out.

;>)

Utah Savage said...

Thanks for all the kind words. Amos, I appreciate you comment especially. If Cal can forgive me, he's one hell of a man. I have been such a shallow ass.

Daarkblack. I hear you. I will now take to my bed and shut the fuck up.