Monday, July 6, 2009

Death Is An Inconsiderate Lover

It all results in tears
One kind word, one instance of incompetence
That receptionist, anyones disappointment
Spoken, written, imagined, remembered
I can't make my friend
Do the things I think
Will save her life

I must not show my complete disappointment
I'm not sure I can live without her
Last night the tree removal guy called

Words make me cry, like the word deadline
The tree guys were an hour late today and I was
Screaming by the time they got here
Only one hour late for tradesmen
That's not bad, yet I feel responsible
I could not take her
Feed her what she what wanted
She wants so little in the larger scheme of things

She wants the food she wants from the store she wants
Is that so hard? The tree guys were only an hour late
They worked fast and efficiently without damaging my roof
Or fence and their competence makes me cry
My sense of guilt makes me cry.
Why must I always be guilty?
Never quite good enough. Is it like my mother said?

I offered them fresh cold watermelon cut in bite sized pieces
Cold cokes and water and their thirst made me cry
In seconds the watermelon was gone and I feel so sorry
That they don't get better treatment from women like me
And why do I assume that?

This is disappointment mixed with a dash of terror
It should be me. I'd decline all but hospice care
Not because of cost or debt or obligation or estate
Is it because I've chased you death like a needy lover?
So now you strike my innocent friend. Is that how we play
This final game of longing and regret? Does it all end in disappointment?


darkblack said...

Death comes for us all.

It's not your turn yet, but you're trying to be a loyal friend to someone who may soon be paid a visit.

Don't let it make you crazy.

Utah Savage said...

Therapy tomorrow. I sure missed you while you were gone.

Sherry said...

amazin words.

Cat said...

I can relate. I have done self destructive things over the years that should have caused me death...
but for whatever reason it was not my time and there is no way to explain how the selection process works. I like to believe that the good ones leave before me, because they were to beautiful for this place and that I still have work to do before it is my time...
but that is just me trying to make sense of things beyond my understanding.

La Belette Rouge said...

The thirst and tears seem so very related.

I know I am talking about this movie a lot, but in "Whatever Works" I was so struck by the fact that the main character is terrified of death and yet makes two suicide attempts. We are capable of paradox. We can fear death while we seemingly wish for it. We can thirst as we overflow with tears.

I hope that in this difficult time you can drink deeply of your love for your friend and welcome the tears with as much kindness and compassion as you showed the tree guys when serving them cut up watermelon and cold cokes.

Randal Graves said...

What darkblack said.

an average patriot said...

Oh my Utah Hugs for you!

themom said...

Ditto darkblack. I hope the therapy session goes well. We can support you here as much as you need. I wish a physical presence could be managed, but our words will have to suffice.