Saturday, April 10, 2010

And You Thought You Knew Everything About Me

I wrote this early in 2009.  Here's the link to the original; I think the comments are as funny as anything I wrote here. A word of warning. You might not respect me once you read this.

I think farts are hilarious. And the reaction of humans and their farting behavior is also hilarious. I have female friends who have been married serially and once for a real long time who claim to have never let one rip in front of the hubby. I think that's insane. But in doing an informal and not quite scientific study have found an alarming number of women who just don't get the humor of retaliatory farting.

I'm also a fan of the fart machine. Especially the fart machine with a remote control.

My longtime (and recurring) ex and I used to take the fart machine to the Symphony. I would slip it in my elegant Armani pants pocket and he would use the remote control. You might think this sexist--giving him all the power, but I beg to disagree. The farter is always the one with the real power. The one with the remote just gives the farter the power at the moment of maximum discomfort for the people around the farter, thus bestowing great comedic power on the farter. Innocence feigned is best in situations like that. The elegantly dressed female farter going round the nosh table at intermission in the important peoples room, the big contributors room at intermission of the symphony is one of my favorite comedic moments. I lean in next to a women who is more than likeley wearing magic underwear and has her Temple Recommend in good order and Tom hits the button on the remote control and out comes a two or three tone blast of a sound that is none other than a fart. I slit my eyes at the matron in the gold lame and quickly look away and her face turns scarlet. My eyes are watering with suppressed laughter. I put two fingers to my nose and pinch it gently. I roll my watering eyes at the man behind me as I slit my eyes toward the unfortunate matron ahead of me. He smiles involuntarily. And I leave the table with a couple of cookies on a napkin to take to Tom.

We sit for a second and laugh decorously. A man sits next to me after we regain our composure and Tom gives the remote control two hits of the button. One long bleating fart and then a very loud single note blast. Tom and I move two seats away from the man and then we lean out to look at him. He turns his head away in shame. And so it goes. I do one trip completely around the table farting gayly every time I reach for something. I stuff my face and giggle as I fart my way around the table. I'm amazed no one ever had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me. Then the bell rings and intermission is over. I am doubled over with laughter as we take our seats for the second act.

I have so many heinous stories of farting this will have to become a series. Tom once smacked me for farting most foul in the bed. He started it, so my retaliation seemed quite reasonable to me. I did not cotton to the double standard. His smacking me hard on the ass for a particularly silent and stinky fart was such a grievous breaking of the rules of fair play that it resulted in my leaving him. Oh yes. There are rules of fair play when it comes to farting.

7 comments:

CDP said...

Do you have an iPod or an iPhone? If so, you must immediately download iFart. You can select any of dozens of humorously-named farts, listed on a toilet-paper roll graphic. My children think it's the greatest invention in the history of computer science.

PENolan said...

The symphony of farts story is even better the second time around.

Fran said...

This story is a gas!
WE used to refer to some as "SBD"- silent but deadly.

I distinctly remember my Mom & Dad working on some project where my Mom cut one, and Dad announcing "Can't work here now!" and leaving the room.

Farting amongst the high falutin' is just such fun.
Can't get to the shrimp serving tray?
Just toot your way there!

Fran said...

Ok so I found the comprehensive fart soundboard... great names.
Hit the spacebar to make them stop!

http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board.htm

Alex said...

Farting around each other is a fabulous part of our family life! My husband currently yells, 'Who sat on a duck?' everytime. And when my preschooler farted the other day, I told him, 'You say excuse me when you have gas. (pause) Or just pretend it didn't happen. That's what most of us do.' I think farting has saved my marriage from arguments. Who can fight when all that hilarious stink is going on? I'm pro-fart, I guess.
But the fart machine story. That is spectacular.

mountain.mama said...

Oh, I needed a laugh today. I don't know exactly what it is that is so funny about farting. It just is.

kkryno said...

I had one grandmother who acted totally oblivious to her own flatulance. It was a major insult if you ever acknowleged a "prufftt" in her presence!

My praternal grandma embraced the art of the "puff!" And she was the expert of getting the maximum bang for your buck; so to speek!

I had so much fun with her!


;)