In the years Ms M and Roscoe lived with me I was a generous supportive friend. I've always cared for Roscoe when she worked. I encouraged her to go back to school. I helped her in every way I could. Taking care of Roscoe was part of my helping her. Now it feels as if she's punishing me for my generosity. I wonder how Roscoe feels?
I'm coping. Marly and Cyrus are coping. I talked to my therapist, Fred, on Friday. He's kind enough to do a mini-session on the phone as an assessment. Do I need to see Dr Isabella or not? Do I need a change of anti-depressant or not? "Or not" is the conclusion we both came to as I talked to him. I have a bad day or two and think I'm coming undone. Bipolar disorder can get tricky when you're transitioning. The way down and the way up are dangerous times. It's then when you have the energy to do real damage or chose the final solution. I'm not worried about that for myself. I know that if I stay on top of this illness I can keep myself fairly stable. It's when I ignore changes that I get into trouble. It doesn't take much to knock me off this narrow balance beam. So I'm vigilant and I don't put off checking in with Fred.
Saturday morning I woke up and decided to cut my hair. Change can be good. Change is inevitable. Embrace change! I didn't hesitate. I got my coffee, had a smoke, and hacked off my hair. I went from chin length bob to short short in less than a half an hour. I'm good. I can cut the back of my hair using only touch to feel the length and thickness of it. I think of the first big haircut change as a rough draft. But when writing poetry and cutting my hair, the rough draft is often what works. I'm happy with the result. I almost have a Rachel Maddow cut. And the few people who've seen it have been complimentary.
Now I have to take Marly for a walk so she'll stop waiting for Roscoe.
6 comments:
Marley looks sad. I understand. It's hard to lose a friend.
They say no good deed goes unpunished. No amount of great hair can make up for loosing your big buddy. But still, it's nice to look great.
I can tell you how Roscoe feels. He wonders where his pack is, he misses you all terribly, a lonliness that is frightening. He wonders how he can find his way back to the pack. Dogs are all about routine. Sorry UT, I find Ms M selfish. I've ended up with the dogs that escaped from a lonely existence. It goes against 50 million yrs of evolution for a dog to be alone. Ya can't fight nature.
All of us miss Roscoe. Our routine has been drastically interrupted. Marley is sad. Cyrus is so anxious I can't get him to go outside to pee before bed. Without Roscoe to make sure it's safe out there Cyrus balks and refuses to budge his 160lb body. It would take a forklift to move him. I'm fighting depression. I'm sad and angry. I don't get it. Ms M is selfish in her need to have him with her even though she's not around much other than to sleep. Her mother probably is around now; she's a school teacher. But she doesn't like dog hair in her house and it's unlikely he's happy in her yard without his pack. I know if he got lose he'd come here. This is his home. We are his pack. He's not that far from here, but there are two busy streets to cross to get here. If Roscoe is left alone in the basement he'd wail in sorrow and maybe get a little destructive. Poor Roscoe. At least Marly and Cyrus and I have each other.
Saturday morning I woke up and decided to cut my hair.
Saw my picture yesterday after my daughter and I swam with a dolphin down here in Florida, somehow I had convinced myself my hair loss was not that bad. When I get home I am going bald for good, I do not have enough hair to back it worth cutting at an expensive barber shop.
Dogs do like to be settled & too many change all at once really do tip the scales. Clearly both you & Roscoe will be missing each other a bunch.
Ms. M did not have the dog's best interest in mind- since you are around all the time & dogs need that companionship... they know you are there & have some kind of canine psychic connection.... I'm convinced they have thoughts & feelings too.
So good you are embracing the change- even though it sounds like it hurts like hell all the way around.
Sending healing energy your way....
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