I'm fading into the background of my own life. I'm hardly even here anymore. Nothing works to distract me from the bleak realities of my everyday existence or the disgust I feel for my bad attitude. There are no humans in my photos. That's a result of my having alienated everyone. There's no one left to offend. I have driven them all away. I make no effort anymore. And aside from the things I've blogged about there are a couple of new things that are now just having an impact on my state of mind. Yes, circumstances can tip the scales toward a bipolar event.
A couple of weeks ago I found out that my internist is going to work for the V.A. I think it's admirable that she's willing to work with Vets, but she has been a very good medical professional for me. She knows me very well. She was the gate keeper, the nerve center, the one person who could tell me to call my shrink when I got too gloomy. She didn't nag me. She didn't judge me. She seemed to genuinely like me. I don't get that much. I know I'm not that easy to get, to like, to care about. I'm sometimes very prickly, impatient, irritable. Now I have to start with someone new, who hasn't read my fucking chart, who has no idea who I am or how I think, or what matters to me. She even shared my political passions. I've been sitting on this catastrophe as if it hasn't really happened or won't matter all that much, but today as I was filling my pill minder I saw that I was running out of Warfarin. I called in my refill but the pharmacy will need to contact my doctor to get more refills. And that's when it hit me. I've lost someone else who really matters in my life. Now I have to negotiate everything anew. Now I have to prove to someone else that my bipolar diagnosis isn't the totality of who I am. My bipolar disorder is a challenge but it doesn't explain everything. It's not the only reason I'm a difficult woman.
Last night Ms M came home from Michigan to pick up Roscoe. Last night Ms M told me she's taking Roscoe with her to Savannah when she moves in July. Months ago she asked me if I'd keep him when she moved. I said yes. At that point I began to think of him as my responsibily. He's a wonderful dog who has spent almost all of his life here. This has been home. This place, these people, these dogs are his familairs. I was losing Ms M. But I was happy for her, proud of her. I was doing her a favor and doing her dog a favor. Now I'm losing them both. If you've looked at my photos much you know that Roscoe is the most photographed presence in my pictures. Roscoe is a big part of my life. Roscoe has special needs. He's a dog who hates to be alone. Now I have to start learning to live without him. My life is shrinking at an alarming rate.