Sunday, January 15, 2012

Mitt's a Mormon and Mormonism Is a Great Business Plan: Food for Thought

Mormonism is a successful religion precisely because it's a business that requires total belief in a paternalistic dogma. Big Daddies are at the top. Mommies are in the kitchen popping out babies and children fall in line to do their share based on their gender. Chores are gender specific and so are rewards at home and in the Church. As it is on earth so it is in Heaven. Heaven is as hierarchical as the Church. There are in the Mormon version of heaven actual levels. And yes they do wear magic underwear and believe in Baptism for the dead. I'm fairly sure my atheist and rabidly anti-Mormon mother was, once dead, delivered unto the Lord to some inferior level of Heaven in one of the Temple back rooms by my friend's well-meaning doddering once polygamous mother in one of those mass baptisms for the dead by the good women of the Relief Society. It's confusing I know. I don't exactly know how to make it simpler. You die. They snatch your soul. That's about it. My feeling is, once I'm dead, I'm dead. I don't believe in any of that shit so I don't care what they do. But, oddly, my mother did. If you're Catholic and you die, your family probably cares a whole bunch. If souls represent gold, is this a Ponzi Scheme?

Another way to grow the tithing population of the congregation is to convert the heathens. Up until the 1970s Mormons didn't admit black folks to the Priesthood, so the darker skinned natives of the world's peoples were off limits. They loved them on the college football teams but not in the Church. That was becoming a bit of an embarrassment once the Civil Rights movement was on the front page of even the Deseret News and playing on KSL's nightly news. Even in Salt Lake you couldn't avoid seeing it, no matter how hard you tried. So finally the Big Daddy at the tippy top of the Church's hierarchy had a "Revelation" from God that the dark folk were no longer unworthy of Priesthood and should be gone after by missionaries all the lands of the earth where the dark folk live. I kid you not. It's a strange, strange, "Religion." Tithing is not optional. Neither is joblessness. Even kids tithe 10% of their allowance. Mormonism is a money maker. Money's colorblind. That was the real "revelation."

Every boy who comes of age in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't first serve his Country in the Military - not without a fight from his family and his Bishop. Oh no, he serves his Religion on a Mission first, then he goes to college. And a wealthy family like the Romneys sees this service to Church a final and fitting method of Service with a capital S (even if this service is done in France in a fancy-pants setting). It's odd to me how the men who are the biggest blood-thirsty fans of war and torture are the ones who never went to war and have sons who haven't enlisted.

I love my Mormon neighbors. They are kind neighborly people who, if I asked for the name of a good handyman would hook me up or offer to help me.  They are plugged in, in the know, and well organized. If we had an earthquake, they'd be the ones with the plan. the shelter, the supplies...  They'd probably even try to rescue me. They're that kind of people when you've lived next door to them forever even if you are a heathen and a recluse.


17 comments:

Jerry Critter said...

The Mormons I have known have been kind and neighborly people. They just seen to have an air of superiority about them, like they know something you don't.

Utah Savage said...

They have secrets... Oh yes they do...

Truth 101 said...

I beat up a Morman who asked me in front of my daughter why I didn't want her to hear about Jesus.

I got my ass kicked by a Menonite so Jesus did get even with me.

Jerry Critter said...

Menonites must be more powerful than Mormons since Truth wins out over Mormons.

Kulkuri said...

In the early 90s I was on Cape Cod and a pair of Mormons knocked on the door. Was surprised to see one was black as had heard for years that they didn't allow blacks in their church.

Enjoyed "Big Love" on HBO. Don't know how true-to-life it was, but enjoyed the various in-fighting in his clan.

Beach Bum said...

The Mormons I have met were friendly people, more so than the nearly-radicals evangelicals I live around here in South Carolina. Still though I believe the Mormon faith to be a scam but I must admit to a life-long lust affair with Maria Osmond.

Utah Savage said...

Beach, I used to be Marie's personal shopper. That girl could really shop! That was before she got fat and and married and depressed. She was still touring then. Those were the days! I don't think she was all that concerned about covering her magic underwear. Usually Personal shopping for Mormon women is a real drag because they can't wear anything sleeveless or mini skirted or low necked. Bummer for touring if you're a performer.

Mauigirl said...

Interesting information that I didn't know about the Mormon religion. When I was a kid up near Rochester, NY, we had two nice young Mormon men come talk to us every week. My father was always a sucker for religious people because he loved to talk about religion and philosophy. Never converted to anything but LOVED to talk to people about it. They even took us to Palymyra to see where Joseph Smith had his vision. I was 9 years old and my most favorable impression of them was that one of the two men could put his hat on his foot and kick it in the air so it landed on his head. They finally gave up on us as they realized my father wasn't going to convert (my mother just was along for the ride). I too have noticed that Mormon people do really seem to live their beliefs in terms of friendliness, helpfulness and just plain all around good will.

Utah Savage said...

Mauigirl, I'm not an insider, but I do live among the Mos and I do have friends who grew up within the belly of the beast, so to speak. They love to tell stories about the how truly weird their religion is. I'm just passing it on. As I say here, I love my Mormon neighbors. They are very tolerant of me and my weird ways. And god knows, they were very tolerant of my crazy ass mother, and she was rabidly anti-Mormon.

One thing I do know for sure. Mormonism is a paternalistic business and as such it breeds all manner of scammers. Utah is the scam capital of the America. I'll write a blog post about that later. it's based on "trust."

no_slappz said...

It's worth mentioning that good health seems to define much of the Mormon life.

It's easy to document. When looking at a map showing the costs of healthcare services by region, the map shows the lowest expenditures in Utah.

The Mormon rejection of cigarettes, alcohol and coffee is the reason.

Truth 101 said...

Those are things that make life worth living.

It's good to be catholic. We encourage all that stuff.

Jerry Critter said...

You've got a point,Truth. Is a pure, good, healthy life really worth living? Some of my most enjoyable memories are not of me being the best I could be.

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Kay said...

I joined up when I was 19. even married in the temple and wore the underwear. My husband..also a convert when he was in the army..never went on a mission...after doing the temple thing..he never went back..freaked him out too much. I tried for longer but my 2 sons figured out at a very young age that it was all hooey..we all decided to quit at the same time officially!! Took 10 years to get them to take our names off the roles. We were told we were going to hell. Our neighbors who were never friendly really hated us after we left..guess they couldn't figure out how we broke away from the cult!!! I have never been happier. Sometimes it is fun when someone asks if we are members and I say we used to be..they get horrified and tongue tied. But I work with lovely Mormons and have some friends who are members...but they feel sorry for me...they think I will someday come back...but we don't talk about it! Of course you live in more "liberal" SLC. I am in N.Utah county! That could be the difference in neighborliness.

Utah Savage said...

I used to fly in from fairly exotic places, like New York, and have East Coasters marvel and the number of blonde kids with blonde parents were disembarking in Salt Lake to be met by hoards of blondes of all ages. Seems all female Mormons are blonde and all children are blonde up to a certain age, They are mysterious.

D.K. Raed said...

I left THE church at age 14 (the age of reason). Yrs ago, an LDS guy I worked with found out I used to be mormon and kept hounding me ("don't you feel like you're missing something?" "yes, but not what you're selling"). To yank his chain, I once asked him what women would do in the celestial kingdom. He said, and I quote, you'd be in charge of raising celestial children!!! childless by choice, this horrified me.

Grant Gibbons said...

So your Mormon neighbours are nice to you, tolerant if your weird ways, and patient of your rabidly anti-Mormon mother and you write this kind trash about them? How can such nice, tolerant, patient people be thoroughly dogmatic and paternalistic?