Dominatrix Candidate

Sarah Palin wants to discipline us all with a whip.

The naughty dominatrix is making John look mighty like he swallowed a canary and making Cindy look old. Cindy is starting to look like granny with platinum hair. I love Palin's habit of surging forward and slamming her arm out to point or shake hands with a well wisher, and nearly smacking whoever is walking beside her--could be John, could be Cindy.

Sort of Mavericky

The Republican National Convention revealed John McCain's entire campaign isn't about what is best for America. It's not about how to repair our economy or fix our health care system. It's not about ending the war or bringing our troops home. And it is definitely not about you.

No, John McCain's campaign rests solely on the man himself. His judgment. His temperament. His life story.

It's time for America to hear directly from someone who served with John McCain.

Dr. Phillip Butler is a veteran and a former prisoner of war at the "Hanoi Hilton" with Sen. McCain. He knows the real McCain. Now he has shot a 30 second ad with our friends at Brave New PAC to make sure Americans hear the truth. This is some of his testimony:
"John McCain's temperament makes it clear that he is not cut out to be President of the United States. John McCain is not somebody I would like to see with his finger near the red button."
The ad is smart and it is the truth. And since Democracy for America IS about you, we need to know what you think before we move forward. Watch it here first. Then let us know if you think DFA should join Brave New Films in spreading the word with a national advertising blitz.

This is your decision. We think this is a voice that needs to be heard and a discussion of John McCain's temperament and judgment that America needs. But before we commit to action we need to hear from you.

Please take a moment to watch the ad and share your thoughts right now.

Thank you for everything you do,

-Jim

Jim Dean, Chair
Democracy for America

(I know it must seem as if I have been missing in action--too lazy to write about my own take on the previous piece from the L.A. Times and this piece from my own inbox, and yes, you might have a point. But the truth is, my oldest, closest girlfriend was in an car accident that totaled her recently purchased Honda, but it also totaled the new car of the young man who ran a stop sign and hit her. What is nearly miraculous that both drivers limped away from this wreck that demolished both newish cars. More on this later.)

From the Los Angles Times

John McCain, Barack Obama both sell themselves as agents of change

Email Picture

Dave Kaup / Getty Images; Joe Burbank / Associated Press

Left, Palin joined McCain at a campaign rally in Missouri today. Right, Hillary Clinton campaigned for Obama in central Florida.

The candidates campaign in Missouri and Michigan, respectively. The Republican's choice of Sarah Palin as running mate has given him a boost in polls.

By Peter Nicholas and Michael Muskal, Los Angeles Times Staff Writers
September 9, 2008Flint, Mich. -- Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain clashed today over which presidential aspirant was the best person to bring about change.

Both candidates have claimed to be the true agent for change, an idea polls show most voters support. The latest polls also show that McCain's standing has improved since he was nominated last week, in part, because of his choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate.

McCain and Palin campaigned today in Missouri, a key battleground state, while Obama was in Michigan and his running mate, Joe Biden, campaigned in Wisconsin and Iowa. The Democrats stressed the need to fix the economy.

In Lee's Summit, Mo., the Republican duo again portrayed themselves as the ticket of mavericks, unafraid to take on their own party on such issues as congressional earmarks and political corruption. Energy independence, including offshore oil drilling, and the improving security situation in Iraq continue to be among their key issues.

"Change is coming, change is coming," McCain said.

Speaking in Flint, where the unemployment rate is 12%, Obama said McCain is attempting a wholesale makeover after running a campaign based on his Washington experience.

"John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, at the [Republican] convention asserted that they were the agents of change," Obama said. "Now they're trying to repackage themselves. We've been talking about the need to change this country for 19 months. I guess it must be working because suddenly John McCain is saying 'I'm for change too.' "

With about eight weeks to go until election day, the candidates concentrated on battleground states. To counter Palin's increasing success with conservative voters, Democrats dispatched Hillary Rodham Clinton to Florida, another swing state, where she too stressed the economy.

Earlier today, Republicans attacked Obama for allegedly requesting nearly $1 billion in earmarks for his home state of Illinois, a figure sharply contested by the Obama campaign.

Alaska Gov. Palin again said that she had rejected an earmark for the so-called "bridge to nowhere," and the Obama campaign immediately retorted that Palin kept the more than $230 million for the bridge and used it for other transportation purposes.

Taking direct aim at Palin, Obama accused her of flip-flopping on her claim to have opposed the bridge that has become a symbol of government pork.

"She was for it until everyone started raising a fuss about it," said Obama, standing against a backdrop of hybrid SUVs. "You can't just make stuff up. You can't just re-create yourself. You can't just reinvent yourself. The American people aren't stupid. What they're looking for is someone who has been consistently calling for change."

In her appearance, Palin again praised McCain for backing the increase of U.S. troops in Iraq as an example of how he was willing to support unpopular positions.

Some in Washington saw the war as lost, she said, with no hope for any candidate "who would rather lose an election than lose the war," she said, using the McCain campaign applause line.

"But the pollsters and the pundits, they forgot one thing when they wrote him off," Palin said to cheers today. "John McCain refused to break faith with the troops who have now brought victory in sight.

"I'll tell ya, as a mother of one of those troops, that's exactly the kind of man I want as commander in chief," said Palin, whose eldest son is heading to Iraq.

The latest polls show the general election essentially neck and neck, which was where it was before the party conventions. A CNN/Time poll showed the race deadlocked at 48%, largely unchanged from the previous week, when Obama led McCain by 49% to 48%.

But another poll by USA Today/Gallup, gave McCain a 4-point edge among registered voters and a 10-point lead among likely voters -- a big increase for McCain, who trailed Obama by 3 points among likely voters.

McCain senior aide Mark Salter said the campaign was thrilled about the numbers -- but cautioned that it was a post-convention bounce and that another milestone looms in the upcoming debates.

"Obviously we had successful convention. People were reminded of who John McCain is. I don't expect the Obama campaign to take it lying down. We have two months to go," Salter said.

"We're very confident that we've been able to use both his vice presidential choice and his convention to remind voters that John McCain's whole public career has been about change. We've been under siege that John McCain is running for George Bush's third term. We've successfully reminded people that this is who he is," he said.

So far, the polls indicate that whatever bounce the Democrats received after their convention last month was short-lived, at best. Republicans did get a bounce, generally attributed to the surprise choice of Palin as McCain's running mate.

• 

  Blog: Top of the Ticket

• 

  2008 electoral vote map

• Campaign '08 Daily Newsletter

The polls indicate a greater enthusiasm among the Republican faithful after the nomination of Palin, who appeals to conservatives who were lukewarm about McCain.

Democrats, responding to McCain's surprise pick of Palin, sent Clinton to Florida today for the second time in as many weeks to campaign.

With some Clinton supporters still angry that Obama did not select the New York senator as his running mate, aides said that Obama will lunch Thursday in Harlem with former President Bill Clinton while he is in New York to mark the seventh anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks.

Campaigning in Kissimmee, Fla., Hillary Clinton focused on economic issues, a topic Democrats have made the centerpiece of their effort to tie McCain to the unpopular president.

Clinton argued that it was Democrats in the past who were eager to create jobs and improve the economy.

"Choosing a Republican to clean up this mess is like asking the iceberg to save the Titanic. It is not going to work," she said.

There's "a tough road ahead of us, a difficult election," she said. "People need to think hard about who will make the difference in your life. . . . People are working hard and falling further behind.

"Florida is critical and central Florida is the key to who wins Florida in November," she said, adding what has become one of her campaign taglines, "No way, no how, no McCain, no Palin."

Palin, at 44 the youngest and first female governor in Alaska's history, was originally to begin campaigning on her own this week. But she's proving a draw on the campaign trail, so the 72-year-old McCain decided to keep her at his side as they stump in battleground states such as Ohio, Pennsylvania and Missouri.

Palin's ability to motivate the Republican base also prompted Zondervan, the Christian book publisher owned by HarperCollins, to rush out a biography on the governor that will "explore themes from her career in politics, her life as a hockey mom, and her strongly held Christian faith," the publisher announced today. The book will be published Oct. 10.

peter.nicholas@latimes.com

michael.muskal@latimes.com

Nicholas reported from the Obama campaign in Michigan and Muskal from Los Angeles. Staff writers Maeve Reston contributed from the McCain campaign in Lee's Summit, Mo., and Johannna Neuman reported from Washington,

Ghost Dansing Said...

From my comment's thread, by Ghost Dansing

The Republican Party has become a totally rightist phenomenon in American politics. they are no longer a "normal" left-center-right Liberal Democratic party....... their fascism takes the form of government default to corporate plutocracy..... government has no function in their mind, other than funneling public tax monies into corporate profit margins, because laissez faire market economies bring "all good", and if the market doesn't address a problem, it is not a problem that requires solution.

In many ways their alliance with the so called "religious right", essentially authoritarian fundamentalist theocrats, is a marriage of convenience. they cage that voting sector on single-topic wedge issues like abortion, and let them run amok on legislation and regulation of "bed room" issues and all matters of human reproduction and death because it is a fine distraction, does not translate into regulation of corporate business activities, and by and large does not effect the rich because they can ultimately do whatever they want because they have the money.

it is actually quite a sickening brew representing a general, gradual erosion of truly American values such as secular governance and individual rights...... face it, a total ban on abortion really means that the State, not the individual, is in charge of what is happening inside a woman's womb...... how do all these "libertarians" resolve that conflict in their mind?

Americans will either take back America from the corporations and "religious right", or America itself will be lost.

America, in its preoccupation with Communism, ultimately lost track of the fact that America is far more vulnerable to evolution toward Fascism than it ever was toward Communism..... the Republicans, the standard bearers for "movement conservativism", found the formula to subtly and steadly move the American psyche ever to the right, to the point that many think of the term "Liberalism" as a dirty word.

the truth is, the American Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are quintessential monuments to Liberalism..... America is a Liberal Nation, and Progressives are simply attuned to the promises contained in these seminal documents.

by the way, there is some stuff out there on the internet that is radical liberatarian anarchism. they are essentially saying that the government is fascist because it requires income tax..... that is nonsense, and that is not what i'm talking about. the Republicans also capture that vote because if that Party's "small government" and "government is the problem" rhetoric..... the Republicans are about no such thing. they are about neutralization of the government of and by the people, making it subservient to the big Corporations.

my opinion is more like this: link 2

here's link 1....... why I say America's propensity is toward fascism versus communism......

September 6, 2008 7:21 PM

here's some more good stuff......

September 6, 2008 7:25 PM

Overheard At The RNC

From Salon:

5 a.m.
The only people around the RNC headquarters now are security personnel. Cops of all stripes circulate around the hotel, nodding to one another as they pass, keeping watch mostly on their fellow watchmen. Every once in a while, Charlie's voice crackles over the radio, "Wake up!" and my fellow officers oblige by telling lewd jokes over the line to stay awake. The agony of my ill-fitting cop slacks has given way to a mellow numbness.

I am now posted behind the RNC headquarters, at the back exit, which is an outdoor ledge overlooking a park. It's a lonely perch and the night has turned chilly. Fall is definitely in the air. A man in his mid-60s -- who, to my exhausted eyes, looks a bit like John McCain -- suddenly materializes nearby. Given that I'm dead bored and my eyes have begun playing tricks on me, and that I'm manning a post in the dead of night, I can't help thinking of the ghost of King Hamlet, disturbing the night watch just like this gentleman, with "a countenance more in sorrow than in anger."

All the hotels in the area are dark. Thousands of Republicans stir in their beds, dreaming thousands of dreams about Sarah Palin. But Charles Hunter, an environmentalist delegate from New Hampshire and a veteran of Republican conventions going back to the 1980 coronation of Ronald Reagan at Detroit's Joe Louis Arena, can't sleep at all.

"This is my last convention," he tells me, lighting a cigarette.

"Why?"

"I'm a real McCain guy. I served. But I liked the old McCain -- when he was a true hero, before he signed on with the yahoos. I actually believe in 'country first.'"

"Not a fan of Palin?"

"If I were McCain I'd probably bring her onto my ticket, too. That's exactly the problem. I guess I tricked myself into thinking that McCain, even after he watered himself down for the election, could somehow restore sanity. The Democrats tried to paint him as a twin of Bush. Not true. But Palin ... she does remind me of Bush. McCain has made a devil's pact and sealed this party's fate."

Even though he's older, he smokes his cigarette like a young man, with earnest haste, before he flicks it off into the dark.

"That's it," he said, "we're through. Even if we win, we've lost."

Emphasis added

I've been tagged. Watch Out, It's Coming Your Way

Non, Je Ne Regrettes Rien has tagged me in one of my favorite games--a simple meme. Thankfully not one that requires critical thinking or creativity. It does require a bit of introspection and a trip down memory lane. Get ready, don't even try to duck. This will be coming to a blog near you soon.

1. Where was I ten years ago?

Sadly, I might have been here. But those were still the days when I traveled, so I might have been in San Antonio, in a hotel room overlooking River Walk, eating my room service dinner on the balcony. I would have finished the meal with a joint, and then joined my friend and fellow make-up artist, Eck, getting drunk and disorderly on the River Walk. Or I might have been in Costa Rica, thumbing my nose at my first love/last love by staying at his Costa Rican lover's house in the wilds outside of San Jose. Or I might have been visiting my friend BB in Santa Barbara, staying at his house overlooking Hendry's Beach. His house was in a lovely location in Yankee Farm, right next to Hope Ranch, and walking distance to Santa Barbara's loveliest beaches. But probably I was here taking care of my crazy mother.

2. What was on my ToDo list today?

Not a damn thing. Well, not really. I did go out for provisions, but it was kind of impulsive and could have easily been put off until tomorrow. I had half way expected a visit from an old friend whose daughter is in town briefly, but daughters visiting are kind of like herding cats. They do what they damn well will. And then while I was off on my impromptu errand my oldest girlfriend dropped by. I was sorry I missed her, but will schedule time with her soon--like tomorrow. I wasn't even going to write a blog post as the billiousness of the Sarah Palin exposure had not yet left me. But then I went visiting and what do you know? I'd been tagged. It could happen to you.

3. And my favorite number. What would I do if I were a billionaire?

Well, I'd start planning some very luxe travel. I will no longer fly. Not even the notion that I could buy or lease my own damn plane would tempt me to fly. I loved train travel and ship travel when I was younger and never really liked flying, not even first class. But I would do some mighty first class train travel from west to east coast visiting blogger friends across the country like you Dcup, and you Randal and you Beach. You all know who you are. And then when I got to New York, I'd board a luxury liner of some sort (do they still exist, I wonder) and sail off to France where I would buy a little flat in Paris for my friend N,JNRR. She and I would travel around the Continent eating in the very most interesting restaurants--not always the best known, and stay in lovely small hotels with divine room service. I would give my house in Salt Lake to Ms M., and then relocate to Santa Barbara. I'd write and read and do good works. I'd live well, but not terribly extravagantly, and offer my hospitality to worn out bloggers and other friends seeking respite for awhile as they write their poems and stories and novels, paint their pictures, compose and play their musical masterpieces. I'd have a couple of cats and a couple of biggish dogs, and I'd be one of Santa Barbara's batty old women. Oh, and send some talented and interesting young people to study abroad or where ever. And when I die, I'd leave a bunch of very happy people richer than they were. It wouldn't be all that long a time to wait, since I'm am the oldest of you all.

4. Five places I've lived.

Paris, Texas
Milan, Italy
San Francisco, California
Middletown, Connecticut
Fayetteville, Arkansas

5. Bad habits.

This is easy. I smoke. Need I say more? Top that, you candy assed babies! I swear like a sailor. I like to be alone, stay up late and sleep in.

Tagees:

1. Dcup
2. Diva Jood
3. Poetryman
4. Beach
5. Linda Sama AHC

Have fun my darlings. And, believe me, it was a relief to avoid another post about The Pitt Bull in Lipstick.

From Immoral Minority

Thanks to Enigma4ever I was led to this piece, posted by Gryphon at Immoral Minority. Read this.

I feel some constraint since reading Liberality's piece yesterday about playing nice with the children. I get the fact that we should be better than that. But I'm afraid that if we are better than that and nicer than they, were going to lose once again.

I'm happy now ... (with the RNC)

It hasn't even stopped talking yet and she's obvious. I'm not going to mention the fucking hairdo or the way she talks without moving her lips very much, or the nose wiggle fuck, or the condescending jowls, but CLEARLY this thing is coming off as a smarmy little piece of shit. Nobody would want to fuck her now, right?

I felt it better/more polite to avoid dropping a C-bomb here but fuck, it was hard.

Vigilante, This One's For You

What can I say?

Maybe that this scares the crap out of me?!!! I think most men who've seen this Tina Fey look alike, Democrat or Republican, have thought, for just a nanosecond, "I'd do her."

And a lot of women are thinking, "I feel so sorry for her..."

Is this combination of instinctual reaction to something like a train wreck going to insure another win for a Republican administration that hasn't a clue how to govern?

Thanks to Diva Jood for This Fine Find

John McCain's unfit to serve. Read it, really.

From Linda to Me

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

Tina Fey/Sarah Palin

I can't look at a photo of her without seeing Tina Fey, so I'd bet money Tina Fey will be praying Sarah Palin ends up Vice President.

It's going to be an interesting political season.

Kind of a Sexy Librarian Vibe

We all know that librarians are incredibly sexy--Lib's a librarian, Randal is a librarian, and I was a librarian. So no further proof that librarians are sexy is needed. But here is further proof that Sarah Palin has that sexy librarian vibe. Also I did see Cindy McCain turn a bilious green the first time I got a glimpse of the current Mrs. McCain preceding the sexy librarian up the steps of the said Mrs. McCain's own private jet. Picture it. First goes Cindy, then comes the Veep in waiting, followed by the gallant, heroic, womanizing nominee, with his face at butt height, hard on Palin's heels, and what lovely sexy high heels they were. When they get to the top of the stairs, they all turn to wave at the camera and again Palin stands firmly in front of Cindy and nearly slaps Cindy's face in her exuberant waving. John stands on the other side of Palin looking sheepish.

Here is Craig Fergusson's take on Sarah Palin

Gustav

Louisiana and the Gulf Coast bloggers, this song's for you.

Breakup

As so many things are going dreadfully wrong for me--heart, bipolar disorder, teeth, economic health, I got a letter from my first boyfriend a couple of days ago, letting me know in no uncertain terms that yes, I am indeed a man hating asshole. When I say boyfriend, I mean childhood boyfriend. I was twelve; he was fifteen or sixteen. He says fifteen, but what's a year's difference at this point? I was still a child, he was a teenager. One could say, despite the fact that we are now both old, I might still be that same child and he that same teenager. It was my parents and his friends who were opposed to our relationship when we were our younger selves. Now it is, finally, his better judgement that he should breakup with me. I give so little, ask so much. I never initiate, I only respond. What's in it for him? Obviously very little. He has said to me and to his real intimates, that I am smart and well read as a justification for continuing his friendship with me. Good so far, but is that enough to carry on a long distance friendship for fifty two years? He has always been married to one woman or another in our adult lives, so I have never been the one to initiate communication. But at least I have always responded to his attempts to keep some kind of relationship alive. I'm capable of charm now and then, but anyone with bipolar disorder is a bit uneven in the charm department. And even before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, we both knew my childhood had left me damaged, if not purely crazy. So no matter how smart and well read I was, I was always difficult. But I did know enough to avoid interfering in his marriages, so I did not initiate contact, ever. I may have had shaky boundaries in the rest of my life, but one of the things that made our friendship possible was the fact that, though we were sexually exploratory in the childish part of our relationship, we never had sexual intercourse. So, in my mind, we had kept our relationship non-sexual throughout it's history. I was never a threat to any of his adult romantic relationships. That was not an accident of fate--it was a conscious decision. If we could say we loved one another, that love was never complicated or colored by sex.

What was he to me? Touchstone, anchor, bedrock. Is that enough for me to call him my friend? I think so. I require nothing of him that he has not offered. But once a thing is offered, I do ask that it be given. He suggests that I'm not appreciative of help given. Worse yet, I don't even acknowledge that it has been given. It was offered, not asked for, and offered again and again. It's help with my writing we're talking about. He was the one who first encouraged me to keep writing. He offered to help edit my novel. He read the first draft and made many suggestions that kept me going. This offer to help began probably twenty years ago. No doubt he is sick of the story by now. I am too. That's why editing is such a chore. Now that my heart and teeth have become a serious problem for me, just getting out of bed is dicy. I am no longer able to clean my tiny house without experiencing chest pain and nausea. I'm looking for a house cleaner. I'm trying to make it through today. Feed Cyrus and myself. Get him outside a couple of times so he can pee, etc. That's about it. Is it all about me? Do I hate all men? Do I have no friends? I think that's a tad harsh, but there may be some truth in it. If it's all true, I am my mother's daughter. Unlike my mother, I can say that I have loved. As little as I know how to love, given my childhood's lessons, I have loved. I have friends. Life long friends. Even though I am a recluse, I have friends. Are my friendships reciprocal? I believe they are, but you'd have to ask each of my friends if each feels that our friendship is satisfactorily reciprocated. Do I give as good as I get? Probably not. I'm a crazy recluse.

I am trying to get my affairs in order--trying to make sure this property goes to a friend, a woman who will love it as much as I have. A young woman who will find it the refuge and sanctuary that it has finally become to me. I want it to be an opportunity for a better life. I want to leave no burdens for anyone to deal with. And if all goes well for me, then, at least I have one less thing to do in the future. Maybe I'll be healed, and go on to live another fifteen or twenty years, mind still working and creative. I might yet learn to love a man in a way that feels like love to him, and doesn't harm me. That would be a wonderful outcome. But I'm trying to be prepared for whatever happens. I am in the early stages of heart failure. I'd submit that I have always been in heart failure, but only now is it about to kill me.

In Case You Missed This

From Salon this Morning:

Sarah Who???

Well, so much to cover in so little time. First off, who the hell is Sarah Palen? I want to hear from Cindy.

Loved the Dem Convention. Thought it was pretty much pitch perfect. Bubba did us proud, and even he was disciplined. Go Bubba. Claims to be ready to campaign. Hillary, too And Barack's speech was perfection. Enough! One of my favorite words in Italian was Basta! And Barack delivered that one word with the perfect inflection. Nicely done Dems! Chris Matthews is ready for the looney bin. I thought he was going to swing on Keith.

Now for the important stuff. the flabby valve problem is called Stenoses:

Diagnosis and Assessment of Valve Stenosis and Regurgitation and Coarctation of the Aorta with Doppler Ultrasound

valve stenosis • valve regurgitation • coarctation • Doppler echocardiography

ABSTRACT

ABSTRACT. With the use of Doppler ultrasound localized increases in blood flow velocities can be recorded and used to diagnose obstructions to blood flow. From the increase in maximal velocities the pressure drop across an obstruction can be calculated, both the peak instantaneous and the mean pressure drop. Regurgitations are diagnosed by recording reversal of blood flow across the valve. Semi-quantitative evaluation of the degree of regurgitation can be made by using both jet width, extension and intensity, as well as increase in forward flow velocity, reversal of flow in great vessels and influence on pressures. In coarctation of the aorta localized increase in velocity in the descending aorta can be shown and the pressure drop can be calculated. In some, more than one level of obstruction can be shown. In neonates the presence of a patent ductus arteriosus may mask the obstruction and a significant pressure drop may become apparent only when narrowing or closure of the duct occurs."

And it's regurgitating. Ick. The hole in the heart is called Patent Foramen Ovale.

Today I asked my Nurse Practitioner, who I had gone to see for a clotting factor test, "Am I fatigued, listless, and stupid because I'm depressed, or is it my heart?" She said, "It's your heart."

Tell No One, Ask No Questions

I went to a complicated French thriller this afternoon with Nick. A film made of a novel by an American mystery/thriller writer whose name I can't remember. The movie's called "Tell No One." I went partly because I always enjoy my time with Nick and partly because UC kicked my ass about going out and having some fun. I'll leave the movie reviewing to K and J. Nick brought home-made fresh peach and blueberry torte for me. What a guy. My admiration grows.

I set my alarm yesterday so I could wake up around eight and call the cardiologist's office to make sure my appointment was at 1:00 with (new to me) Dr. Whatsisname at the usual place. They put me on hold for forty-five minutes. Then came back and told me Dr. Whatisisname was always in Green River on Mondays. There was no record of my appointment. It will take two and a half weeks to get in to see him. He's the hole in the heart specialist--Mr. Fix it. This means moving my followup with Dr Weiss, the Heart Rhythm Specialist. I am going to need an ablation. But the hole in my heart complicates the ablation some.

My Nurse Practitioner, who is the real center of the swirl of specialists, the one monitoring all my meds, and getting all the records together in one place where she can both oversee and explain the problems to me, was the last medical person I talked to before I crashed. I was in getting my clotting factor checked. I asked her what else the stress test and echocardiogram, and the test for the hole in the heart revealed about the rest of my heart. She told me that my valves don't close. My heart walls have "thickened" due to a life-time of high blood pressure medications. The valves are loose and flabby--thickened. I didn't ask, "Is this a problem? " I know it can't be good. I didn't ask, "Can this be fixed?" I don't want to hear the answer to that. I think my heart's broken. It doesn't help with the depression. But everybody's got problems and most don't whine about it all the damn time. This is something I'm going to have to work on.

While I was with Nick today I felt a bit as if we were minor, but interesting, characters in a complicated French thriller penned by an American mystery writer. It was a very neo-post- rationalist noire, glaring sun in an urban landscape, moment. I was smoking.

Now I listen to the talking heads tell us what we think and what we feel according to the polls. If they're right, we're fucked.

Depression, the Dark Slide

Depression is a damn dark place, even with the sun shining brightly. People I love annoy me with their cheerfulness. Kindness feels like intrusion and reminds me how sick I am, how utterly incapable I am of returning even a smile. The list of things I have to do grows daily, and I don't make the slightest effort, because just feeding the dog and answering the phone takes all the energy that I can muster. If I knew how to turn the phone off I would. I don't cry, that would require too much effort. I leak tears. I leak tears because Martin Luther King is dead and we still are a racist country. I leak tears, because I no longer have the energy to kill myself, and yet tomorrow I go to see the other cardiologist, the one who knows what to do with the hole in my heart--and I know nothing can fix the hole in my heart. Oh you can probably patch it up, but I'll still have a hole in my heart.

Phillip, who has helped me so much, now scares me. His anger is righteous. And I'm such a coward, I don't have the balls to listen to him. I have turned off the Ichat. I have disappointed him, and he had such faith in me as a writer. He should be mad at me.

Larry, my oldest friend and first boyfriend, is mad at me, or maybe he has finally gotten fed up with trying to keep a friendship alive with a woman who might just slap him in the face for no good reason. Maybe it's because he loved Maggy once, too. Maybe it's because he's comfortable and happy without me. Maybe it's just because I'm never stable enough for him to get the timing right--is it safe to talk to her now? No. No, it's not.

Last time I wrote a post it was to say I was giving it a rest. I was starting the downward slide into depression, and thought if I laid off the daily blog post, I might at least retain a bit of credibility, a bit of good feeling from my fellow bloggers. I said I was going to edit, finish Maggy, finish writing some short stories. I thought I would give myself a break and clean the house, work in the yard, loose a couple of pounds, pull myself together. But I'm just hoping for oblivion. You might be thinking, "Snap out of it! Get up off your ass and do something." Good advise, but mine are deaf ears, so save your breath. Nothing you can say will get me out of this.

Last time I talked to my shrink, it was to ask permission to increase the dose of my daily antidepressant. She asked me if I was into real depression. I said, "No, I'm leaning that way, but I think I can head it off with a slight increase in my dosage." I was teetering on the brink and didn't quite know it then. I thought I could squeak by, slip past the darkest part and emerge smarter, brain engaged and still competent. I was wrong. I am depressed. And now, like every other bout I've had with depression, I'm afraid I'll never emerge from this place where even despair would be something. There is no competence now. No one shouting at me to get off my ass will move me. Only my dog's needs for food and the time outside to pee, will get me out of bed.

I have increased the dose of my doxepin to 100 mg--the standard dose. It might work given a bit of time, but till then I still have to go to the heart doctor tomorrow. I'm paying a friend to drive me there and ask the right questions and take notes. I know I'm not capable of doing it myself, and she needs the money.

Nick wants to take me to a movie on Tuesday. I'll go because he's the only man I know who doesn't get mad at me when I'm an asshole. He takes my word for it that I can't help myself. In the meantime, I'll be sleeping with any luck at all.

She's Going Down For Awhile

It doesn't take much to knock you off that narrow fence you try to traverse in your journey through life with bipolar disorder. It's a high wire act to hold so still, while moving forward. Any other illness or new medical condition can trip your wire. The introduction of medications that might or might not interfere with your bipolar drugs can do it. And then no matter how careful you are, how little you do to stimulate or muffle your senses, it can just happen for no good or bad reason. And if you always were crazy for other good and valid reasons, whose to say whether or not it's bipolar disorder or general craziness that's sending you over the edge? But over the edge, and it might take weeks or years for you to regain that tenuous balance again. Or never. Lose your mojo and you just might never get it back. It might be just like love. Risky business.

There are so many prohibitions and restrictions. At some point you might feel straight-jacketed while out and about. It's embarrassing to be seen so addled, so trussed up, but opened like the acid moment when you understand that you can see under the skin, into the cell.

The one thing that scares me most is losing the spark that feels creative in me. This is probably all an illusion, but it's my illusion, and thus, my reality. And once lost, how will I ever know if I have it back, and if it's back will it feel the same, be as good, work as well? I am told often to take it one day at a time. So I get through one day, and then another, but day after day, I find myself missing. The thing that makes me the person I enjoy being is gone, and I might never get it back. And then the question becomes, how long can I live without the spark that makes me who I am? So finally, if I can no longer be the person I really am--the person I get a kick out of, the person who delights and entertains me with her dark wit and hard won wisdom--then what the fuck's the point? When it finally becomes pointless, it's essentially hopeless. And when it's hopeless, well, you might as well be dead, since you're just taking up space. And then I start counting the ways I could make it happen. My final creative act. This is something I've been contemplating since my late teens. So don't hold your breath.

I had a reason to keep writing this thing. I thought I had something to say. Now I don't. Sometimes I write such shit it embarrasses even me. And I'm not all that easily embarrassed.

Phillip, how about you take over for awhile? Or we'll just go silent while I finish editing "Maggy." I have stories still to write, but they are fiction and will be worked on in their own space. And since you are Sitenoise, what the hell do you need with the trouble that is Utah Savage?

I've probably said this before, but it's been fun while it lasted. Sorry if I offended you, or hurt your feelings, or embarrassed you, too.