Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Am I sick or Is It Bipolar Disorder?

I don't feel well.  There are many reasons I might not feel well right now but I can't rule out the possibility that this might be the beginning of depression.

I don't want to do anything.  It might be the unseasonably cold temperatures and the fact that I awoke yesterday to a snow storm.  Or it might be the beginning of depression.  I can't quite wake up.  Things that usually please me, like visitors, make me feel vaguely annoyed.  I'm not exactly annoyed at the people visiting me, but at my own lack of enthusiasm.  I can fake it for awhile, long enough to make it through a visit.  I don't lack interest.  But when the visitor leaves, I'm relieved to be alone again.  Today, though it's cool now, it's supposed to be 71 degrees.  Perfect weather for working outside.  Perfect weather for taking a walk.  But I want to pull the shades and sleep.  I can't quite wake up.  The dogs enthusiasm for their morning routine makes me irritable.  I can fake my way through the morning.  I know what the dogs expect of me.  But I just wanted to sleep another hour or ten, so when I get out of bed, I'm very very tired.  And there is no good reason for this fatigue.

Usually when I wake up one of the first things I do is look in on twitter.  I have no interest in twitter today.  I feel a little bit sick.  This used to confuse me because feeling sick can be cured, but a depression can last for years and there seems to be no reason for it.  I'm a reasonable person, so a bad mood or a need for a nap I can deal with.  But the black cloud of depression can't be dealt with in quite such a rational way as tackling a real illness or just a bad mood.  If I were vomiting or had a fever, I could overlook this lethargy and know why my body didn't want to do anything but lie in bed.

I have congratulated myself for this long period of stability.  It's been years since I had a real serious bipolar event.  I take my medications and check my emotional temperature every day.  If I'm really off, like very angry or very irritible, I realize that I might not really be all that angry or irritible, it might just be a bipolar event.  I can't take my feelings at face value.  My feelings could be quite reasonable given my circumstances.  But if they seem overblown to other people given the provication, I have to consider the possiblity that it might just be bipolar disorder and not my friend's incredible insensitivity.  Fact is, not one of my friends is all that insensitive.  Nick just called to see if I wanted to go to a movie.  And I worry that my lack of enthusiasm for much of anything might seem like I just don't want to do anything with him.  Truth is, he's the only person I'd go out with.  But for now, I'm going nowhere.