Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm Thinking I Need A Shotgun

Utah is one of those groovy states where anyone can carry a gun. And you can get a great bargain at a pawnshop. Isn't that nice? I've had a little ladylike Browning automatic. It was a sweet little gun. I only used it once to get rid of an unwanted suitor. I didn't even have to shoot him. I just pointed it at his face and told him to get lost. He damn near crapped his pants. And I loved the fact that he was the guy who talked me into buying it, because he thought I needed protection. Yeah, protection from him.

I've fired almost every kind of gun that was around when I was growing up. I used to hunt rats at the dump when I was a little girl. The gun I learned to handle was a Luger. My father brought it back for my mother when he came home from soldiering in WWII. He was also the kind of man a woman needed protection from. When we ran, she took her gun. So when I was eight my new daddy took me to the dump in Willimina, Oregon to shoot rats. He thought a well rounded child should be able to handle a gun. I was a good shot. No fancy two handed bullshit for this little gunslinger. I stood square shouldered, left arm lose and relaxed, right arm extended, head turned to sight down the outstretched right arm and bam. Dead rat. I should have swung it that quarter arc and killed the rat leaning against the station wagon, puffing on his Camel and holding his beer bottle in his right hand. But I missed that opportunity.

I hunted all through my childhood and into my teens with my dad and grandfather. We hunted doves, and pheasant. We went to the gun club and shot skeet. We hunted porcupines at night at my grandfather's cabin, finding the game with a flashlight and then shooting them out of trees or as they waddled across a trail. It was another opportunity I missed to kill those two bastards.

I never bragged about my experience with guns. But when I started dating, guys always wanted to impress me with their macho shooting skill. I might pretend they needed to show me how to hold a rifle. I might miss the first couple of cans or bottles, and they would show me how good they were, how easy it was. Then I would take the rifle and wait while the young man so intent on teaching me his game, would set up the targets again, and when he got back out of range and almost to my side, I would take out every target before he could turn around and look. It was a jaw dropping experience for the young man who seldom asked me to go shooting with him again. I hunted rabbits alone. I was a right little savage.

Once I started taking acid and smoking pot I lost my taste for guns. I mellowed out. I was a fashion model and traveled where ever I wanted, staying long enough in one fashion capital or another to get an agent and make some money and then I was off again. It was an easy life. A young beauty is welcome anywhere. And oddly men always wanted to protect me. That is until I started marrying them. Strange how quickly a man who professes to love you can turn into an abusive prick once he thinks he owns you. I finally gave up on men who claimed to love me, and decided I preferred the occasional friend and a solitary life.

Today my old friend came over to bring me his home made corn bread. I peeled a chilled cantaloupe and sliced it and we shared a lovely lunch. We talked about politics like we always do, and the subject of the Supreme Court came up. We both hate that prick Antonin Gregory Scolia, the gangster of the current court. I also loathe Clarence Thomas, but he is merely an angry, vengeful man--not very smart and not terribly dangerous. But Scolia is a Cheney type gansta. It got us talking about the new ruling concerning gun laws, and got me to thinking I've always wanted a shotgun. It's the only gun I'd really want these days. I think there is nothing more chilling than the sound of a pump on a shotgun. That sound of someone getting ready to do some real damage. And I would imagine a woman with a shotgun could scare the crap out of any intruder. It's everyone's right to own and carry a gun in Utah. And I'm nothing if not a good citizen. And who knows when some asshole might decide to ignore the beware of dog signs and intrude on my privacy.


Life As I Know It Now said...

I get to comment first, wow!
Yeah well I just finished my paper and I'm up at 3:30 in the morning so why not...
We have several shotguns here. Hubby tries to teach me how to handle the gun because he worries about me. I don't like guns though but I bet in an emergency I'd figure it out fast enough.
I have been thinking lately that all girls should be proficient in some kind self defense system, like karate or something.

D.K. Raed said...

Aaah the guns in utah attitude. The concealed weapons laws are pretty loose here. Shoot, the open weapons laws are almost non-existent.

Even though the hub has tried (mostly in vain) to teach me about guns (for self-defense, as Liberality says!), I still have this recurring nightmare that at the moment of truth, I have forgotten to take the safety off, or something important, so that I'm pulling the trigger for all it's worth, but the gun won't fire & the fearsome creature I'm aiming at is almost upon me. The creature is human, but doesn't seem to be anyone I know. It's not Antonin Scalia ... but for some perverse reason, I now find myself wishing YOU had dated him & used your gun & saved us the last 8-yrs.

Utah Savage said...

Well, you women are up late. I think we should be able to know how to use a gu, especially if they're around and you have someone willing to teach you. It's time to get prepared. Times are getting tough. Some little bastards trying to make a buck are vandalizing vehicles parked on the street. I have allowed the vines to overtake my back sliding gate to the back parking spot I can lock. It just been too damn hot to work outside during the day, and by the time I get my energy working, its too dark and I'm into a different kind of sloth.

I'm not suggesting we become the vigilante broads on the rampage. I'm just saying, use what you have to when and if you ever need to.

Nan said...

Shooting rats at the dump. . . a rite of passage that probably no longer exists as the old-fashioned dump has morphed into today's huge sanitary landfills. One of my younger sisters loved to do that; I could never get into it. I limited to my "kills" to pop cans and bottles.

We used to have quite an arsenal, the usual rural dwellers' assortment of rifles and shotguns, but lost them all in a burglary in 1990. The one that bothered us the most to have gone was the single-shot 22 my long deceased mother-in-law got in exchange for eggs back during WWII. It had sentimental value. The only one my husband bothered to replace was a deer rifle because that was the only type of hunting that still interested him.

I've never really thought about shooting anyone, but there have been a few folks that I would have loved to cover with honey and stake out on an ant hill. For real bastards shooting's too fast and easy.

BTW, don't advertise the fact you have guns in the house. There's some fairly conclusive statistical evidence showing that people with guns in the house get burglarized at higher rates than people who don't. Your dogs are probably a better deterrent against intruders anyway.

Utah Savage said...

I have no guns yet. And the only gun I'm desirous of is a shotgun. I don't even think I'd need to keep shells. Just the sound of the pump in the dark... and a big dog growling deep in his chest should do the trick. Just thinking about it.

And to reassure my doctors that I'm not planning to off myself, there are easier ways to go, without trying to shotgun yourself to death. In fact I think it might be damn near impossible. I have many other less painful and messy ways to accomplish that if I must.

Utah Savage said...

Lib, I like the ass kicking methods, too. Especially for girls. Girls should learn to defend themselves and as early as possible. It's just another form of dance, so to speak.

Anonymous said...

Your other commenters have covered the gun/self-defense issues. I've had just a little experience with guns, but I respect them and understand their place.

Instead, I want to comment on the writing.

Good writing. Very good writing.

That is all.

Randal Graves said...

Yeah, if I ever have to own a gun, it'd definitely be a shotgun for precisely the reasons you outlined. You hear it, you know what it is.

Utah Savage said...

Lib told me why she was up in the wee hours. But I'm curious DK and Nan. What the hell are you women doing reading blogs at 4 AM?

Dr. Zaius said...

hrumph My vice president is quite fond of guns... And dynamite.

D.K. Raed said...

UT, the 2AM hotflash is a truly a thing of wonder. add to that misery, we have a sick old dog that is also having trouble sleeping. so many nights, we are both up & there you have the mundane truth of it. It's certainly not like I'm having any great mental leaps in the middle of the night that force me to get up & write them down so that I can cure cancer or something the next day. I wish!

Vigilante said...

Girls with guns turn me on. I can't help it. And I can't explain it.

Unknown said...

My abusive father also taught me to use a weapon. And I thank him for that...not much else, but I do thank him for that bit of education.

As a progressive that believes in the right of gun ownership, its a double-edged sword for moi..

I do love your 'war' stories dear woman..makes me remember my own, but I am not as good or wonderful as you are in telling them. ;)