Saturday, January 3, 2009

I'm In a Real Bad Mood

Disorder and freezing rain with a heavy dusting of snow have turned me into one very pissed off woman today. I've put off getting the radiator flushed and refilled with the appropriate antifreeze for my Dodge, which came here from Tucson, where it didn't need antifreeze that covered temperatures below -5, so now I'm fucked. Can't start the car for fear of cracking the block. I only wanted to start the car so I could run the defroster a while and try to soften the sheet of ice in which the whole vehicle is incased. Oh well, I'll be fine for a few days. But damn it's cold, and it's the kind of cold that sets my teeth on edge. All the walkways and driveways are thick with ice and must be salted. This sets the dogs teeth on edge and makes me feel guilty. But I don't want to break my hip, nor have the mail person break his/her hip and sue me, so salt it is.

I know I should eat, but I don't feel like it. I'm not exactly hungry, just running on empty, so eat I must. One bowl of chili later and I'm still pissed off. I have furiously vacuumed the main room, but now the real test is, will I actually go all the way and vacuum the greenhouse/bathroom, and clean everything like my life depended on it? And who knows, maybe it does.

I have stories half finished and languishing here and there all undone. What an untidy life I lead. I have tiny editorial corrections noted and ready to be made on the novel, but for some reason I keep putting it off. Is this my subtle way of sabotaging myself? Because I have very nearly made a career of sabotaging myself. I did it with every relationship I've ever had. Well with men, anyway. This is not to say the men had no part in the sabotaging.

Tom, refusing to read my writing was a big mistake, just in case you were wondering. Pat, sending me an email telling me you read my blog and like my writing, but can't read the novel, just made me hate you more than I already did. If you "can't read (my) novel" best you tell me why, rather than just leave it hanging there. Of course my question would be "why?" Is it the writing? Is it the content? Are you a pussy? A coward? A stupid asshole? Why bother sending me an email at all, if you're just going to insult me one more time? What is it with certain men? And why do I know so many of this certain type of man? Is it the age of these men? Is it generational? Are all the men my generation assholes? Nick seems to be a very nice man, he's smart, kind, generous. But even Nick refuses to read my fiction. This may end up being my bottom line. Can you read my fiction and tell me how you feel about it? If you don't like it, can you tell me why? I know all these men are readers of fiction. Both Tom and Nick have great taste in books. As for Pat, I have no idea about his reading taste.

I know I'm a difficult woman. How could I not be? If you read my fiction, you would know the answer to this question.


denverdoc said...

Whoa, your teeth really are on edge! That's a good expression--teeth on edge--you're a good writer, I liked your novel, I have mixed feelings about your politics, and I was very happy to have you visit my blog. This too shall pass, this gloomy western weather, and my teeth felt a bit edgy as well today on the other side of the Rockys, stuck inside, reading another doctor's memoir about his father's demise and realizing that it was more or less the book I wanted to write but blah on him, he got there first and did a damn fine job of it too. I washed my tub and found it vaguely satisfying, hope you vacuumed your greenhouse (but who really vacuums greenhouses?). Best wishes for a successful New Year!

Utah Savage said...

Glad you're back. So my politics are a problem. Not a big fan of universal healthcare?

The green house is part of my bathroom. Kind of makes you shiver doesn't it? But I can take a bath at night and look at the moon and stars through the ceiling.

Unknown said...

Utah, now I see what you mean about deleting mean remarks.

Most of the people I care about don't read my writing. Or, if they do, I don't hear about it.
The few who do read it give me hope. I'm so grateful to anyone who reads my writing that one guy told me, enough with the thank yous already, because--get this--he enjoys reading me. And I only know him through the internet. So he doesn't have to deal with being around me, ever, and reading my writing. In case, the combination's just too much.

Utah Savage said...

Are you back home, Kathleen? I have one more god damned day of the holiday season to get through and then maybe life will seem "normal" again.

I just got news that one of the bloggers on my blog roll killed herself on xmas eve. She too was bipolar. I'd put money on and xmas eve suicide for me too. This time of year seems to be very hard for those of us who are bipolar. So every year I survive xmas is a good year for me. Still the season does nothing but piss me off and make me a little crazier. I beg friends to leave the gifts and cheer at home if they must come visit me. God I'm an asshole.

yellowdoggranny said...

holy shit woman!...take a deep breath, count to 50 and then go smack for me..
suppose it's a bad time to tell you it was over 80 here today and yesterday...

Katie Schwartz said...

Shalom my love;

I am sorry you're in such a foul mood, though I love how vividly you've written about it.

Maybe you're allowing the bits and pieces of your novel to ruminate a bit more before completing it. Maybe it's not sabotage. Maybe. Something to consider, yes?

Do you have noshies for when you do get hungry?

Regarding relationships, wow, I relate so hard. I choose the wrong men. I've never shared my writing with men I've fucked. I wonder why. That's neither here nor there.

I do admire your willingness and desire to do so. I think the fact that previous boyfriends didn't and won't is entirely their loss.

Love this post.

Stay warm!

susan said...

Once the 'season' ends at least it means every next day is one day closer to spring. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I'm sorry to hear you got such bad news about one of your visitors. Life can be hard in this land of too much expectation and rare realization.

Utah Savage said...

Well, it does help to have powerful friends. The women are now at the table. These are women who understand me. I feel cradled in strong capable hands. Thank you. Katie, I do have nosh in my fridge, I even made fudge yesterday. I was craving chocolate after reading about Dcup's Chocolate Chess Pie. And you were there, too. Thanks for visiting. Isn't it late where you are? I feel that we are time travels in a way. West coasters are still up. East coasters are down or out and having fun, hopefully.

SaoirseDaily2 said...

I got out for a little bit today, was able to drive and shop. I am not as miserable as I was. I know now people can really go crazy from Cabin Fever.

They have forecasted 4 to 8 or maybe 10 inches of snow by Monday morning. When will it ever give us relief. Maybe by May or June. The berms around the house are waist high and we haven't seen the sidewalk in about a month.

Tomorrow I'm staying downstairs in my makeshift studio and create beautiful things and I will be happy.

Talk soon.

Utah Savage said...

Susan, I always am calmed by your presence. I wonder why that is? You soothe me.

YDG, you have just used one of my favorite curses--I often use it as a post title. Holy shit! or it's gentler cousin, Holy Crap!

Utah Savage said...

Saoirse, I write a response to one and another arrives. These are good strong friends. But then, as you can tell from this post, I am not the easiest woman in the world to live with. You are so much sweeter than I. I hope that man knows what a treasure he has.

MRMacrum said...

Oh no. I visited your novel with the idea that I would continue to read and hopefully finish reading it in the near future. Like any book I have set down for a period of time, when I come back to it, I pick up where the bookmark was left. I can't do that with your novel. The bookmark has moved. You rearranged it.

I am sure it made sense breaking it up into parts, as the original flow was more of a series of short stories that had no real connection or flow between them as a whole. Some flowed well into the others and some did not. Anyway, I will start over and let you know what I think.

I stopped reading because your novel really disturbed me. Stirred up memories of my own youth I had thought were well buried.

I have been MIA lately because of health issues and needing what energy and focus I had to be directed towards the reality that I live in.

Utah Savage said...

MRMacrum, I hope it isn't too confusing. I didn't make big cuts, I just combined chapters. Some were too small to be chapters, some needed editing, I wasn't thrilled with titles, etc. I hope this hasn't put you off.

The men I'm complaining about new me well and for a very long time. I always wrote. When asked if one of them would read something it was always a flat out no.

Kulkuri said...

Some people think if they live in an area like Tucson they don't need much anti-freeze in their vehicles. The anti-freeze also raises the boiling point of the coolant which is a good thing where it is hot. As long as it is not froze solid you can start you car and thaw it out, then drain out some of the coolant after it cools enough to open without getting scalded. Add some anti-freeze that is undiluted to lower the freezing point. Make sure the coolant you drain out isn't where animals can get at it, because if they drink it they will die.

giggles said...

I'm here, too, Utah, but with nothing profound to say... Hope to be considered a friend.... And I say, if you're in a bad mood and people can't handle it, it's their problem...yes? You're just expressing yourself! Nothing personal (usually, i expect!) so no offense should be taken?!

Stay warm.... I'm thinkin' 'bout ya! (and reading your blog...just not commenting....)

Utah Savage said...

oh, in this case, I do believe I mean to give offense to first two men mentioned, and a pointed question to the man I movie with.

lisahgolden said...

So much here. So much. I think I need to go do some furious vacuuming to think about this. It sounds like some familiar territory - the self sabotage stuff, especially.