Sunday, June 28, 2009

Fran and I In Conversation

Fran said:

I have a very close friend who has been near & dear to my heart since the first grade.
She is from a large family of 12 kids. The extended family has had a series of deaths.
She said to me, you try to pick the best Doctors, hospitals, make the right choices, but in the end, a greater power makes the choices of how things end up.
You do your best to be supportive & help make good choices. Who's to know if this would have happened even if she had rested quietly that day?

At some point, you have to give it up to whatever powers of life that are greater than us.

Your plan was probably wiser, but we don't know if the joy she got from watching that toddler full of life and toddler chaos was something she embraced.

Somehow you have to find peace with the way things are.
Even if they suck, and the pain & suffering are more than you can bear.

I hope this makes sense.
It is meant to help you heal and wrap your head around the way things are right now.

Sometimes we have to breathe deep & get through it. Kind thoughts to you.

I attended a World Beat Festival yesterday.
Celebrating worldwide cultures.....
So many cultures celebrate death, as a part of one's life.

I heard a great song that said death set the soul free. "Don't worry about me, I am free"
If you think of it in this way, passing is a kind of sweet relief from whatever pain & suffering a person was burdened with.

I say this in a very respectful way.
Trying to give you another perspective to see all this in.


June 28, 2009 11:58 AM

Blogger Utah Savage said...

Fran, thank you for that wisdom. Intellectually I know all this. I would make the choice to go, to let death take me, but I am outraged that death would take my best friend first. Why her and not me? I have lived my whole life as if death were my very best lover, I have courted death in every way. I have tried in a very active way to die, only to wake up with a headache and a sour stomach.

Z has lived her life as if life were sacred and everything that she eats and drinks is holy and sacred and meant to keep her body the temple of her soul.

I have thought my soul was killed off fifty years ago and only the rotting carcass left walking, talking, hiding out like a criminal.


Unknown said...

as always, thought provoking post!

Utah Savage said...

Thank you dear. Sorry I haven't been visiting much lately. The time between June 12th and today has just vanished.

Fran said...

Oh! I did not expect my post to be featured.
My Mom is 83 years old, and in memory care.
I watched this bright, sharp independent Woman have her memory fade right before my eyes.

I hate the disease & how it robs a person of their life. So I *kind of* understand how you feel.
The fact your friend took all the health precautions & good care makes it all the more unfair.

It's hard to come up with words that comfort in these difficult times.

I tried!

Utah Savage said...

Fran, you succeeded in comforting me. That's why I posted this exchange. You are a great commenter and it's an art.

Paul said...


A big "thank-you" to you and Gail for your comments (kind words) on my blog.

This weekend, for no real reasons really, has been a terrible "lost weekend" which has not yet finished...........

I'd write more but I am at least still a bit "under the influence" now.........

I dread the eventual thud of "coming down".

RE what you wrote here.......I and others never thought I'd make it to 30 with my bad addictions (on top of the bipolar etc) yet here I am at 46 you are in your 60s, and well and truly alive despite everything........

I honestly just had a great thought!

Would it not be great for a lot of people if Utah Savage kept blogging into her 70s, even 80s.......

Who knows?

Linda McGeary said...

June is always a busy month for me too, with the book store. And this month turned into a blogger sabbatical for me. I checked in every now and then, but haven't had time to comment. I think most of my June obligations are done. I don't see as many things I have to focus on coming up.

My Mother in law died of ALS eight years ago and I had just lost my Mom less than a year before that, my Mom was 95 and ready to take the road home. We were very close, and she had had a good life, so her death was the completing of a circle. A sweet death. She laid down for a nap and woke up in heaven.
Libby, my Mother in law, was only 79. Had been healthy all her life and still had years that should have been hers. Ours. It was so quick. Six month from diagnosis to leaving us. Her death was harder on me than Mom's was. It wasn't like a natural ending of the cycle of life.

Like you, I felt like her time had been cut short, and I felt cheated.

Libby lived in the same town we live in and I was privileged to spend a great deal of time with her that last three months, all of my husbands sibs flew in often from all points, North and East, and there was always family with her, she died in her home. All but one of the five kids where there.
I spent time grieving as I cared for her and some how that time was also healing.

It never seems fair to loose the ones we love.

I hold you in my heart.

gfid said...

there's no logic to life, is there? or to death either, for that matter. a line from Heather Bishop's kids' album, A Duck in New York City comes to mind....

if you are a duck in new york city
you do your very best with what ya got

.... ducks are misfits in New York, we all feel like we don't belong where we landed, sometimes.... or don't deserve what we're given to work with..... all we can do is our best. and our best is always good enough.


Thorne said...

I'm glad that Fran has given some comfort. When you'd like some company in the rage and powerlessness of grief, I have a rather long rant on the topic entitled You Can't Fix Me
Peace, my friend. (And I shall steal that cactus as soon as I can remember to take tongs with me to town!)

giggles said...

I'm so sorry, US... There is no rhyme or reason... It all seems so unfair.....
You and Z have beed in my thoughts ....

Gail said...

Hi Utah-
Oh the questions, the "why" of it all - Very powerful conversation and I so appreciate your sharing it. During the final days of my brother-in-law, a man I love for 45 years - his last words to me were .....

"this is strange huh?"

and I think those words sum it all up i some simple and final way.
Love to you

La Belette Rouge said...

When my half-brother died I had and have on many occasions wished it had been me instead of him. He seemed to just gotten all he wanted and I seem to be always dissatisfied.

And, I know you know, I have a friend who I am having to let go of and the pain of it is profound.

I say all that to say that I so appreciate this post and this conversation. Thanks, Utah and Fran.