Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day? Not So Much

I was very unlucky when it came to fathers.  I had two of them.  If only they had been the gay kind, I'd probably have been better adjusted and liked men more.  I'd probably have chosen nurturing, gentle, kind men to get involved with.  But no, like my fathers, the men I married and lived with were selfish, bullying men who drank too much and felt a sense of entitlement just by virtue of gender.  Men of my father's generation did not help around the house.  And so the men I mated with refused to do domestic chores.  Men of my father's generation ruled the family, and women and children should know their places.

My sperm-donor father did not want me and never gave me the slightest attention unless I spilled my milk or spoke when not spoken to.  He was harsh with all of us, but especially harsh with me and my mother.  He never held me.  There is not a single photo from the beginning of my life until the day my mother and I ran away that shows he and I together.

My adoptive father wanted me, he held me, and then he used me to satisfy his sexual needs from the time I was almost seven until I started menstruating, at which point I became a liability.  That's when all affection stopped and he and my mother began to watch me like hawks waiting for the sexual monster they'd created to get pregnant and disgrace the family.  So no, Father's Day means nothing to me but a reminder of the power father's have to shape their daughter's future relationships with men.


darkblack said...

Yes - Just another arbitrary day with an honorific that signifies a potential Hallmark purchase in the offing, with any and all related annoyances to follow. F*ck it.


PENolan said...

Virtual reefer headed your way.

Utah Savage said...

How nice. Two of my favorite people to bah humbug father's day with me. It used to damn near kill me as a kid to have to treat that bastard as if he was a real father. How I knew what a "real father" should be like was probably gleaned from TV.

Tricia, I received your reefer and am now enjoying a refreshing adult beverage with an aromatic and tasty smoke. Bless you my child. Wish you were here.

Fran said...

Sorry you had bad dads, even a criminal dad.
My Dad was an alcoholic, and he died when I was 17.
But later in life, I have a fantastic guy who has been a great Dad--- through the thick & thin of it all. And his Dad set the bar very high....

So I am glad to have run into really good fathers amongst a rash of genuine idiots.

Jeanabella said...

Father's Day fell on my birthday again this year, (June 20, 1945) as it has most of my remembered past. My father died in 1996 and was an alcoholic most of my childhood and a "dry drunk" after that. He beat my mom and me and scared us on a daily basis. I also chose the "wrong men" and paid the consequences. I did believe that one day I would be with a great guy who would not hurt me and I finally met a great guy and after 15 years with him, he hasn't changed a bit. It did take a while for me to get used to a good man. I still tighten up when he comes through the door sometimes, and then I remember that I am now safe.
Let me just say the from my experience with men who are like my father, mostly they are bullies and insecure people. I learned to remove myself from people like this and to be happy in spite of a fearful childhood. Thank you for sharing with us.