Friday, December 26, 2008

Hell Has Now Officially Frozen Over

Oh yeah, it looks all picture postcard pretty and everything, but it's no picnic. Ten inches of heavy white stuff that looks like cotton and weights thirty pounds a shovel full on top of rain that froze minutes after it fell and was preceded by a loud crack of thunder and a blinding flash of lightening on Christmas evening... Well it's just hell.

I tried to sleep most of the morning, but it was a challenge what with the whine of snowblowers and all. You'd think my snowblowing neighbors would be kind enough to help the Old One out with a little snowblowing help, but it seems that the only neighbors with the infernal machines are of the Mormon persuasion, and word travels fast in the cult. Once you scare the crazy old ones in group "therapy" with the two most fearsome words in Utah--Atheist and Gay, they cut you off and shun you. Oh yes they do. Charity thy name is not Mormon.

So I have just about broken my back today. And all the children of hiring age are off to the movies or hiding out pretending to be off to the movies, so I couldn't even bribe one of them to shovel this heavy load.

I bet next time "therapy" comes around the only group available to me will be a group of therapists armed with tranquilizer guns and fully ready to take me down. Oh yes. Nothing worse than a "gay atheist" on the 23 of December in a group of old Mormon's with bipolar disorder all loaded with the blessings of Jesus and Joseph Smith and thinking themselves among "friends" to find the devil in their midst and not all compliant like a good Mormon woman should be to shake their faith just a tiny bit, just enough to get out the word that no snowblowing help shall be given. Amen.


Anonymous said...

We just need to find a way to generate some heat, Utah. Melt the snow away.



Anonymous said...

Well, if that comment from Ten doesn't do it, I don't know what will.

Shall I send MathMan with his shovel and French Toast to help you and Ten out?

Gail said...

Hi Utah-
Great post - I love how you explain your life in such wonderful humor amidst strong references. Quite a talent! :-)

I have to work tomorrow so I am headed to bed. It is easier on the weekends without managers screwing everything up. I will be facilitating two groups and will think of your group dynamic. :-)


Utah Savage said...

Oh Ten, be still my heart. If only.

Utah Savage said...

Oh, a threesome or does the shovel make it a foursome? And me gone all gay to boot. This should be interesting. I hope somebody brings a camera phone. Maybe we can make some bucks with the film. Game on.

themom said...

Well, I'm not close enough to help "shovel" you out - and my back is not in the best shape either. Yes, the picture is beautiful...but I would be in panic mode - being "shut-in" by Mother Nature. Good luck.

yellowdoggranny said...

my nephew (from Texas) and an athiest also would probably come help you shovel your walk and then go next door to your neighbors and tell them what unchristian mother fuckers he thought they were..(his entire family are mormans)

Beach Bum said...

Once you scare the crazy old ones in group "therapy" with the two most fearsome words in Utah--Atheist and Gay, they cut you off and shun you. Oh yes they do. Charity thy name is not Mormon.

Hey, change a few words in that sentence and I could be writing about myself being shunned and the people around me. At times I sort of feel like Winston Smith from 1984 and the main character from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" surrounded by pod people.

Unknown said...

Snow's a pain in the arse. We may as well try to make the most of it because it's out of our control, but still: a pain the arse.

It's been a pleasure reading here today. Stay warm.

Radar1961 said...


That's definitely a beautiful postcard picture.

I'd love to trade places with you for at least a day! I could bundle up in layers of knitted sweaters, nestle by the fireplace, and read a really good book (preferably of historic nature). I'm actually craving snow! And you could relax on the beach...check out the waves, drink some cocktails (lava flow and pina coladas perhaps?), meet a cute lifeguard (or 2?), and watch the sunset.

You know what they say--the grass is always greener on the other side. =)