Thursday, June 18, 2009

Grief Turns to Rage

I visited my friend Z yesterday. Her middle son is the only family member staying with her now. He believes that the mind is all it takes to heal the body. If she had her mind in the "right space" or some shit like that, she could heal herself. I want to scream when she tells me this, but wait to see what else she says. She says she plans to get the PET scan today and then plan from there. So far she hates every oncologist at the Huntsman Institute. Why? Because they tell her this cancer cannot be treated with radiation and diet alone. Some doctor in Peteluma has told her that it can be treated with just radiation and diet. She hasn't met the doctor in Peteluma, but she has talked to him on the phone and likes his "approach." I have choked back so much incredulity and anger that I'm about poisoned by my own rage and frustration. I know it won't help her if I argue with her, so I tell her I'm glad she's found a doctor she "believes in."

This morning two things have happened to flip my switch from mild irritation to full blown screaming, out of control rage. Marley was outside for ten minutes. When I let her in I noticed she peed on the second step down from the porch. Then she waltzes in the house and shits on the rug. I calmly clean it up and put her back outside. Then I lost my internet connection. I tried to fix it myself to no avail. I called Comcast. It took two tries to fix the problem but by the second try I was so pissed-off I was screaming. Seriously. Screaming! Now it works again, but I'm poisoned by the flood of adrenalin coursing through my system. I'll now back slowly away from the computer and call my shrink for an emergency appointment.


Laura said...

It's too bad that she won't seek conventional treatment as well as what it is she believes in.
I know how hard it must be for you to stay quiet and you're a good friend for doing so.
I only hope that she doesn't regret her decisions later on. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that her children are okay with all of this. I'd be like.. "Are you nuts Mum??"
Marley's being a stinker today is she? Hopefully she'll get better with the training soon. I'd say once she got comfortable at your place but from the looks of her wrapped in your sweater yesterday, I'd say she's pretty comfy there. Hehe..

Wait. What? said...

Marley sure is bad at timing. Ack

As for your friend I think your being there and being honest every step of the way could prove invaluable for her. Her son sounds like he is coping as best he can...
just like you are.

Screaming into a pillow has proven effective for me when needed... just saying!

Nan said...

My reaction to hearing crap like "if her mind was in the right place she could heal herself" is the same as yours. Total rage. I am so fucking sick of people blaming the victims for the illnesses and diseases that are totally caused by stuff we cannot control: genetics, the environment, you name it.

Considering the issues with your friend, and the problems with the dog, I'd say your reaction to Comcast was actually rather restrained.

Blank said...

Just keep telling yourself, "But Marley is SO cute. Marley is SO cute...."

I'm sorry about your friend. And about her kid, who could use a good dose of empathy. Can you get that in I.V. form? (I WISH!)

Randal Graves said...

If the mind was that powerful, we'd probably all be dead because at least one person out there hates each one of us enough to go Firestarter on us.

Utah Savage said...

Sunshine, I've been asked support her in her treatment choices. This means, good actress that I am, that I method act my way through this and then have a breakdown when I leave. I spent $75 on crap at Big Lots after I left her place yesterday. I know shopping therapy never works nor does chocolate cake therapy. The high is good for a moment but then you get the plunge. I'm officially depressed today. I have called for a therapy session. I know I need help. And I know my fuse is short. So I've taken a valium and I'm ready to pick up the book I'm reading and try to put myself to sleep.

Thanks for the ((hugs))

Cat, Tis my bad timing in agreeing to take Marley. But once taken I have to take good care of her. Her last home had no yard, so peeing on the concrete steps probably seems very reasonable to her. Not sure how she figures it's cool craping in the house, though.

Utah Savage said...

Nan, thank you. It's comforting to know another adult understands my escelating anger. I was screaming in my house. I was shouting at an innocent party on the phone. But still it is comforting to know you can identify with my losing it.

Scarlet, so happy to see you here. I've let you down. I can't get my own three chapters edited and the edits been done, not changed in the text. Then there is the unfinished story Contessa... Life & death are distractions from writing. I keep feeling like I'm just chasing my tail, and losing the race.

Randal, exactly. Little punk is guilt tripping his own mother. God life's complicated. I'm so glad I've chosen to avoid the very intense thrills children offer in a mum's time of need. I certainly can't say as one who took care of my mum that it was anything but dreadful. But my mum was always dreadful. Do we all feel that way?

jmsjoin said...

It is really frustrating to hjave someone say that bull shit that your mind can heal you. My brother use to tell me that. When you have something like that You try everything not just one thing.

Sorry about the computer, that is trying on a good day. How old is your dog? Time to watch him closely?

Utah Savage said...

Hi James, My old dog is going on eleven. That doesn't sound all that old, but for a huge dog it's about the end of time. About all he does is eat, poop and sleep. Thankfully he shuffles outside a couple of times a day to do the excreting. He's very sweet and very patient with little Marley who is an untrained undisciplined 10 month old. But I never had a 10 month old dog that wasn't completely house trained. I'd have thought a dog Marley's age who wasn't house trained was retarded. But she came to me very recently totally untrained. She's a challenge and on a goodish day a distraction from worry.

jmsjoin said...

I want you to relax Hon you have a lot on your plate right now. My thoughts really are with Z and you! I hope you got some meds and she relaxes and does everything possible. Mt first thought with the pop was he must be getting old. How ever a ten month old dog has no excuses. I could train him real quick. I have to laugh, take him out and show him how, HaHa!

themom said...

...and the frustration just mounts and mounts. I would be screaming the same as you after all that boatload of crap. Having to keep up a facade for the sake of your friend is very hard (on nerves and mind). As for Mawley...bad, bad puppy!!!

Steve said...

peeing on concrete steps seems natural enough for me too so tell Marley she is in good company.

i hope you are able to influence your friend into the best care she can get.

sometimes it is fighting the disease as long as you can sometimes it is taking hope in something not proven and sometimes it is finally accepting that (for both the person and their loved ones) that it is their disease.
(from my experience)

ain't easy i can tell ya that but i will tell ya y'all are in my thoughts through this difficult time.